Hi Chris,
I can understand what you said and that is it - I’m tired!
Marcus.
Hi Chris,
Hi Chris,
I am really sorry that you went through that dark patch in life.I would just like to tell you my story about
suicide, my husband commited suicide in 2007 at 35 and i was left with 2 children he didn’t have ms.
Anyway i became very ill,three months later my mum died of dementia at 66.I kept on going backwards and forwards
to the doctor who done numerous test and couldn’t find out what was wrong i think they thougt it was stress.i was
diagnosed in 2010 with rrms.I can fully understand how you feel,i know it’s very hard but try and stay strong.
Because if someone commits suicide it is the people who are left behind that are devastated.When this happened to me
i didn’t think i could get through another day,but i got the strength to do it.The way i look at life is no matter what you are
going through there is always someone worse off.But i do fully understand that when you are going through certain
things you feel you can’t take no more.I found talking to people outside the family was the best thing to do.Seek help we are all human we can’t cope alone. Take care
Sorry but tonight this post is very relevant to me - I’m at the end of my ‘proverbial tether’
I’m 98% of the time a strong person but sometimes I just flip and can’t cope - I get angry and totally and absolutely let rip!!!
Like tonight - there were arguments – Iit started simply as usual - I asked my son how is new TV was – dirty looks – I asked him if he was ok – dirty looks - I said he had 2 weeks tholiday o recover now (he’s been ill with a virus) – he said ye “I’m trying but I’m listening to you complaining about work etc downstairs” – I flipped – said I’d had enough of walking on eggshells around him
I screamed that I’d had enough of him constantly being confrontational towards me no matter how I tried to show him how much I care and am concerned
Hubby the whole time was trying to talk to me – hug me – but all of it needed to be said - this was nothing to do with hubby – this was to do with me and my son – but he sniggered when my son made a flippant comment as he left
I didn’t want to be hugged/touched – when I pushed him away he said ‘f__k you ‘ I couldn’t believe it - I know he was drunk - so was I after 2 glasses of wine I suppose
I had a go at him and said I was going to bed
I threw a few more remarks and then hubby put two his two big fat fingers in a ‘V Shape’ towards my eyes – isn’t that a threat? It certainly felt like a threat
I said go on then - I think he probably would have to be honest - we screamed at each other and he went to bed
I’ve just had enough
I’m too f_c_ing tired for this world
No matter how much I love – it’s just not enough is it?
I feel ill – I feel ugly – I feel fat – I am just sooo tired of fighting – at home and especially in work - I’ve been ill for a long time but kept on working hard despite knowing it was makin me worse - all the stress I’ve had to put up with because of two of my colleagues - one a senior male - the other a very selfish, unstable female - well they got into this very bizarre relationship that just poisoned the whole office and totally undermined me
All this - illness - and I’m also sick of dealing with debts
I love my son more than life but I just can’t take anymore of him directing his anger, frustration and distain towards me – I feel like he loathes me sometimes - I’ve had 30 years of it – he’s a man now - I may not be a perfect mother but I’ve stuck it out and made the best decisions I could over the years
I’ve had enough of this life to be honest
I don’t see the point anymore to be honest
It’s all me – nobody else to blame – I just don’t have the coping mechanisms other people take for granted anymore
They say that suicide is painless don’t they xxxxxxx
Hi Kizzydane You just need to calm down, it not easy , but irrespective of what said/done in the cold light of day it different. Get your ms nurse to refer you to a brink-mine did. I know where u are comming from. Take it easy Mike x
Sorry x I’m not normally at this point xxxx
In fact I can’t remember the last time I even contemplated giving up - if ever there was really a time!!
I don’t have an MS nurse
I don’t even know if I have MS let alone having a supportive nurse on the horizon!!!
I’ve been ill for years - getting progressively worse and I don’t even know what the hell is making me so ill!!
Emotionally I’ve had a gutsful xx
How effin sad is that???
xxxxjenxx
Sorry Mike - I wish we could delete these posts x that was wrong of me to offload on here
I’m so sorry x I’m normally a happy bunny after 2 glasses of wine but for some reason - tonight life is bleak xxxxxx
[quote=“Anonymous”]
I have severe M.E. - the “spoon theory” might have be invented for/by us. I am more or less stuck in bed, with a body that won’t do what I want and a brain that has a habit of seizing up so that I can’t remember a word, finish a sentence or understand anything complicated. That was life 10 years ago. I was tested for MS (LP, MRI - the works) and didn’t have it; all the dreck really was M.E. Five years ago they tested again and decided that I now have MS as well - confirmed progressive at last visit to the neuro.
So yes, I have very seriously considered suicide. Haven’t tried it, don’t need to - yet.
The arguments for everyone can imagine. I’d like to answer some of the arguments against.
1] “It’s cowardly.” So is life a game of Chicken? Why should I put up with an existience reduced to pain and misery, with no real-life reason to suppose it won’t just get worse, just to prove how brave I am?
2] “Think of how bad your family will feel.” Think of how bad my family will feel if they have to watch me descending in a pit of blindness, pain, incontinence and incoherence. Remember the last 3 are already there in part. Should I wait until everyone is praying (or at least hoping) that I will die soon - not because I’m too much trouble, or they want there to be some money left, but because they love me and are suffering along with me. Everyone was so relieved when my grandmother died - her last few years were hell on wheels for her children and even as far gone as she was in dementia, she was unhappy.
3] “Think of everything you have to live for” That is mostly a list of all the things that I used to live for and have been taken away by one disease of another, and that list was already severely curtailed by illness. I have just written some long and bitter paragraphs justifying that statement, decided that detail was inappropriate here and deleted them. Suffice it that I, like many others, could justify that statement.
4] “Think how bad it would be for the person who discovered your body.” That’s a risk I’m running by staying alive as well, whilst choking or DVT or a stroke could take me away.
5] “They might discover a cure.” I hope I don’t have to explain to anyone here how unlikely it is that someone will just “discover” a cure, with no advance publicity and how impossible it is that such a cure would be suddenly be on the list of things my neurologist could proscribe. I believe that the average time taken from laboratory breakthrough to commercially available drug is over 10 years. And how, if a cure, or even a treatment, were developed it would benefit the newly diagnosed first, not those with years of having bits of their body taken over by the disease process.
6] “That’s just the depression talking.” Well, it might be the depression talking but then, as my GP said, “You’ve a lot to be depressed about.” There is no reason to expect those circumstances to go away, or to suppose that a clear-eyed, not depressed, view of my life would make it one worth keeping. CBT doesn’t change that.
The God bit I am leaving out of this argument, that is for those who are worried about it.
So I shall try to keep enough money in my savings for the Dignitas option. I would prefer to have a straightforward and compassionate end here, but it looks as though anyone like me will have to end their lives whilst they can still travel and talk and swallow. Or, of course, I can hope that some piece of food, or blood clot will kill me, and not just take even the suicide option out of my hands.
This post has been a little more about me than I wanted it to be, but most of what I have said applies to others who have reached a certain stage with their MS. I do not advocate that anyone else should seek to kill themselves on the grounds I have given. While they still have reasons of their own for going on, then I would not want anyone to create or foster a desire for suicide in themselves or others.
But I do not believe either that anyone with severe MS who wants to end their lives should be turned into a case for treatment or special watching to talk them out of it. It is after all, their body, their mind, their life and - in the end - their death.
[/quote] Your honesty is admirable and you have written eloquently, echoing many of my thoughts. Thanks for having the guts toarticulate them so well - at least nothing wrong with your cognitive abilities. I totally understand every word. Good luck.
Don’t apologise Kizzydane. It’s OK to offload. Maybe it helped a little? I hope things get better for you. Take care
Suicide is a very strong impulse when things, you take for granted, for the majority of your life, become hard to do. Besides the personal abolutions to physical issues. Interpersonal relations are strained. Selfishly I want to go through this - not suicide - MS on my own. The wife has switched off and devotes her time and life to our grown up children. She favours the son and has freely admitted this over the years as birth of daughter almost killed her. She will do anything for them and recently has become a good friend to daughter to be fair, but I’m not even spoken to.
Yes the Samaratins, MS Nurse are there but they always refer to specialists. My own Doctor is now a practiced referral merchant - when I can get an appointment, he has a protective army of receptionists to deter you when you really need to see doctor. I try to stay away as much as possible from Dr.
I work in building maintenence. Now as post inspector. I used to do all the jobs I inspect, but the opportunity arose to become an inspector a few years ago before being dx with MS. Now I feel marginalised but working for very little money.
I decided to “facelift” the kitchen new w’top unit fronts etc; but lifting worktop and cutting joints – what was normal for me - now stress and strains my muscles esp legs. My arms and hands are rebelling and seizing on a more regular basis now but I will not give in. I will finish the kitchen even if I have to do it with my teeth.
Thanks for the opportunity to talk!!
Hi, this post has been resurrected from a couple of years back.
i`ve read all the replies and just wonder how those contemplating suicide, are coping today?
luv Pollx
You probably won’t hear will you? And that will probably be because they don’t go on this website any more or because they don’t go on very often. But it might be because they got tired of this horrid disease and committed suicide. Personnally, once it looks like I’m going to be bed-bound, I’ll be on my way. I’m not saying that this is right for anyone else but I believe it’s right for me. My sister (born again christian) is absolutely sure this shouldn’t be allowed. My view is that not allowing someone to die, no matter what state they’re in, shows a tremendous lack of compassion.
Hello,
Im gonna agree with anon. When i am sure i will be bed bound, i think that will be it for me. It is madness to allow people to suffer without the choice to end it.
Darren
Hi Guys x
I re-read my ‘rants’ in this thread yesterday and it brought back all the despair, lack of control and feelings of being totally out of my depth at that time
But I can say that after struggling so long without any help - since starting on Baclofen and Gabapentin - I have my life back! Not 100% but near as damn it!
However - I don’t think I was suicidal as such - even at my worst point - just sympathetic and more than anything at times where I was just totally out of the best drug of all - HOPE!!
As for where people are now - I just hope with all my heart and soul that they have moved on from the hell they were in and as Anon says - just not visiting here anymore xxxxxjen xxxxxx
Amendment!
I shouldn’t say I have my life back - after redundancy and my lifestyle totally curbed both physically and mentally - that old - pre illness life has gone!
What I should have said is I have a new life - an adaptation that is suiting the new me just fine!! xxxx
Hi, I am so happy to read how you have turned your thinking right round.
Okay, lie for most of us is vastly different from what we hoped for, but even so, it can still be a good life.
It just shows you that getting the right medication can make a huge difference.
luv Pollx
Hi anon, yeh, perhaps a lot of what you say is true.
poll
I was diagnosed in April 2009, thats when everything changed for me, i could not stop thinking about ending in a wheelchair, and not to be able to do things for myself. I have had employment up until April 2011 and in August 2012 had a brief spell with the Nursing and Midwifery Council, that ended as soon as i refused to go out with my managers friend and at that time my girlfriend was pregnant with our son who is now 7 and a half months.
I used to be a goalkeeper before diagnosis and its hard not to be able to play no more. I have been having suicidal thoughs for a while now but more recently, i am tired not able to find employment and cannot stand seeing my son each morning knowing i cannot provide for him, i do all the nappy changing and bottle feeding and all what dads do apart from working and earning money. Im thinking of ending it and i have gone as far as how i will do it. The pains i get in the legs are unbearable, and my mood swings like a sesaw. Employers wont employ and i dont see why im here for. My son has an amazing mother who i really love, its hard being a man with a family, unemployed and disabled. Now i will have to watch her come out of Maternity leave and go back to work. I really cant take it anymore.