Wallowing in despair

What is wrong with being depressed, unhappy, p**d off with this m.s.

As soon as a post appears with a hint of self-pity or depression etc we get replies suggesting we get counselling, we look on the bright side or we meditate.

What ends up happening is we remain depressed, unhappy, etc but learn to hide those feelings and learn to put a brave face on it.

M.S. nasty and destructive - lets be honest to ourselves and others and stop putting a false happy face on!

1 Like

Well, I have just written a lengthy answer to the post above this one, asking how we cope.

I know it isnt exactly the same, but there are similarities.

Yes, we all get down and even worse than that at times, due to not being able to do what we want, when we want, how we want etc.

But the thing is, whilst we can be honest on here about how we really feel, I dont think we`d have much of a life remaining downhearted. Where would life take us then? Into a much deeper depression…one that only doctors MIGHT be able to help us with.

Let`s face it, no-one wants to dispense empathy, sympathy constantly…to someone who refuses to seek help. Yes, that is wallowing!

Pollyxx

2 Likes

Speak for yourself. And so you do, and quite right - your experience is your experience. It isn’t the only way of looking at the world, however.

I’m not going to infuriate you further by musing about whether you might usefully explore more nuanced versions of your view that the only honest alternative to despair is putting a brave face on … (Oh dear, just have. Oops!)

Alison

3 Likes

krakowian

“What is wrong with being depressed, unhappy, p**d off with this m.s.”

Nothing!

Neither right or wrong, if that is how you feel then that is OK. I have my moments when I am utterly distraught but personally I find being positive easier and takes less energy than being down. I also think that it makes things slightly less difficult for my friends and family when I am positive.

However you deal with / manage / cope with your condition I wish you all the best. (I hope this is not offensive.)

Mick

2 Likes

Actually I think I’m mostly with you on this one Krakowian.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to be utterly pi**ed off with MS (or HSP, or any one of a thousand other chronic disorders). Added to that, I think it’s OK to be fu##ed off with crappy legs, bladder, bowels, hands, brain, etc, etc, etc.

I am mostly reasonably cheerful about having MS, but underlying that is a deep down sodding wail of ‘its not f’ing fair’. And you can add as many expletives to that as you choose. I frequently do. Sometimes out loud but often just in my head.

I often see people walking and stare at their feet, doing the right thing, and they don’t have to think about it. They’re not even aware of what a bloody marvellous thing a fully functioning human body is.

And when I see very fat people walking in front of my wheelchair, I want to shout at them, for wasting the miracle that is the ability to walk without help. (And I am aware that many people have hidden problems causing them to gain weight. I’m not just whinging about fat people, it’s anyone who wantonly ruins the body they’ve been given!)

I know there are people worse off than me. I accept that, and on a good day I’m quite able to be thankful for what I’ve got. And given the choice between say MND and MS, I’d opt for the MS. And of course it’s possible to say that about an awful lot of diseases and disorders. Equally, I’m happy to be living in relative affluence in the UK rather than scraping a living in Dharavi or any other slum in India (or anywhere else in the world). Or of course in the middle of a war zone.

But I do reserve the right to be right royally furious at times about having MS and being as disabled as I am.

And I am not clinically depressed, I just think that having MS is a truly shitty thing to happen, to you, to me, to us all. And acknowledging that is OK in my book.

Sue

3 Likes

OK in mine too; in fact I couldn’t agree more about the importance of staring the beast in the eye and calling it for what exactly what it is. MS is a pestilential bastard. But I also think it is OK to leave it at that - what else is there to say on the matter anyway?

I do not think there is anything false or fake about then turning one’s attention to making as good a life as possible until MS, in its inimitable style, wrests the focus back onto itself, as it does at every opportunity. For me it is all about not giving MS more air-time than I can help. It takes so much from me by force; I’m not willing to donate any extra voluntarily if I can help it.

Alison

5 Likes

I think having m.s knocks anyone with it, so how can we add further depression on top. Can’t get depressed, for being depressed. Couldn’t agree more with the headliners comments.

1 Like

I feel unwell a lot of the time and I feel down. However if asked how I feel, like a lot of us I lie and say ‘I’m fine’

This is because people are sometimes uncomfortable with the notion of someone near them being unhappy/depressed.

As my mother used to say ‘Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone’ –

The result is that we may not be regarded as we really are.

On a very personal level I would like someone to acknowledge that at times I’m very unwell, struggling to cope and offer support etc.

But I put on a happy face.

Of course the danger of being honest about things is that people may be frightened away - but should we ‘hide’ our real selves because we fear isolation?

I sometimes answer the “how are you?” Question with “do you really want to know?” This can lead to open and honest discussion or at the least an understanding that “fine” represents a range of feelings. Not everyone can cope with a straight answer. Despite explaining that I have a chronic progressive condition to one of my neighbours, he insists on asking me if I am getting better each time I see him. Part of me wants to bellow a tirade of expletives but I do not think this would help.

Mick

1 Like

Hate it, hate it, hate it…MS, that is, with a passion…my depression is controlled by medication…

5 Likes

I don’t think there is anything at all wrong with admitting that MS is sh!t and it gets everybody down.

However, when people come on the board to ask for advice on how to cope or looking for some hope that things will get brighter then suggestions of things that other people have found helpful in the past (be it counselling, mindfulness, mediation, exercise, God, chocolate, punching things or knocking back the vino) have got to be a good thing. They show that other people have experienced the same or similar dark feelings in the past, have had their time to wallow, have found a way through it - and care enough about the OP (who they have most likely never met) to reach out and try and make them feel less alone.

The nice thing about this board is that it is a safe space where we don’t have to put on a brave face - and at the same time can look to others for support which is readily available in bucket loads.

4 Likes

You can’t beat cilatopram.

However, I read an article today about Tanni Grey-Thompson, the hopelessly overachieving, gold medalist paralympian and cross bench peer.

She is quoted as saying, “[When she was competing abroad] People would say “Did you have a nice time?” I always felt grumpy replying, " It’s not a holiday.” in the end I just used to say, “Yeah, it was lovely.”

If grumpiness is good enough for her it’s good enough for everyone. At least we’re not in denial. Denial has no purpose. It’s a bad teacher.

Cheerfulness is only a hypocritical social convention we adopt so other people don’t feel uncomfortable. It’s the lubricant that oils the wheels of civilisation.

Have a nice day.

Anthony

3 Likes

Oh yes! Citalopram, you save me from panic. The last time I felt deep unease, it was justified. Then I realised I’d forgotten to take my escitalopram. I took it and could read the online news and even cope with seeing a certain presidential hopeful with tiny hands and dreadful hair. I mean US presidential hopeful. I’m not there, but can see the dreadful possibilities that may ensue. Politicians lie.

1 Like

Katy - you list things which may help - e.g. counselling, God, etc.

In reality they don’t help our actual physical state – for instance, no amount of counselling is going to restore wonky legs

So what does counselling or any other therapy do for us if it isn’t helping us physically?

Some may suggest that it helps us ‘come to terms’ (horrible expression!) or not to be ‘in denial’ about things.

My concern is that what counselling etc does is encourage us to put a brave/happy face on and to hide our true feelings about our m.s.

How we really feel and how we are coerced into presenting ourselves are two different things -

Does it do us any good to present this fake ‘I’m fine’ persona when in reality we are struggling with a mega-crap disease.

1 Like

Have you tried 18 year old malt whisky?

1 Like

“Cheerfulness is only a hypocritical social convention we adopt so other people don’t feel uncomfortable. It’s the lubricant that oils the wheels of civilisation.”

Not unlike an 18 year old malt…If that’s your thing.

Sometimes cheerfulness is the path of least resistance which helps me to budget my limited energy resources.

Mick

4 Likes

Love the ‘new you’ - aka Marty Feldman.

1 Like

Yum

1 Like

I am not suggesting these things help your physical state. The posts which prompt suggestions of counselling etc. are ones where the OP is actively looking for advice on how to manage non-physical issues. Although my guess is you know that.

And, as far as I am aware, no-one has suggested a one size fits all approach to managing emotional and mental health issues triggered by MS (or anything else for that matter). The posts I have seen are people suggesting methods which may have helped them in the past, and which may therefore be of benefit to others (even if they have not worked for you).

I agree we should not feel coerced into presenting ourselves with a fake persona (for MS or any other reason) - and have not suggested that this is what we should do. I also agree that at times, and for a time, wallowing can be the best medicine. However, if people are looking for other more positive suggestions of coping mechanisms then I believe sharing them is helpful for the reasons in my earlier post.

4 Likes

Its this type of post which actually puts me off trying to help others. Your damned if you do and damned if you dont.

People come on here to talk and explain how they feel, this to me is actually a form of counselling in itself, as one is asking peers how do they cope with the stresses and strains of having MS. Does it fix us physically, it might not stop the mobility being wonky, but by asking and receiving the right answers, it simply might help that person to cope with the pain etc, like a form of cognitive behavioral therepy.

In all the years i have been on here i have never once read of anyone saying LOOK ON THE BRIGHT side of life, isnt that a song?

We try to support people, if they dont want supporting then why post in the first place.

I am depressed to hell right now, but i wouldnt want to tell someone who is depressed i am too, so i try to stay positive in my answers.

I have had counselling for my anger because MS robbed me of so many things, and it really helped me to put things into perspective.

If someone wants to be depressed and unhappy with their MS and are happy not to have suggestions then thats fine, but form me if they are happy with not having answers then why talk about it in the first place?

No one is here to upset anyone, we are all in the same boat. I feel quite rejected now, to think that perhaps i have posted something that may have been inappropriate or kept for a later date to beat me with a stick over lol… I shall be more careful what I say in future lol.

Always look on the bright side of life…Cheer up Brian…

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
Don’t grumble, give a whistle
And this’ll help things turn out for the best…
And…

…always look on the bright side
of life…
(Whistle)

Always look on the light side
of life…
(Whistle)

If life seems jolly rotten
There’s something you’ve forgotten
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing
When you’re feeling in the dumps
Don’t be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle

  • that’s the thing.
    And…always look on the bright
    side of life…
    (Whistle)

Come on.

Always look on the right side
of life…
(Whistle)

For life is quite absurd
And death’s the final word
You must always face the curtain
with a bow
Forget about your sin - give the
audience a grin
Enjoy it - it’s your last chance
anyhow.

So always look on the bright side
of death…
(Whistle)

a-Just before you draw your terminal breath…
(Whistle)

Life’s a piece of shit, when you look at it
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true
You’ll see its all a show, keep 'em laughin as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you

And…
Always look on the bright side
of life…
(Whistle)

Always look on the right side
of life…

C’mon Brian, cheer up

Always look on the bright side
of life…

Always look on the bright side
of life…

Worse things happen at sea you know.

I mean - what have you got to lose?
You know, you come from nothing

  • you’re going back to nothing.
    What have you lost? Nothing.

Always look on the right side
(I mean) of life…

what have you got to lose?
You know, you come from nothing

  • you’re going back to nothing.
    What have you lost?

Always (Nothing.) look on the right side of life…

Nothing will come from nothing ya know what they say?
Cheer up ya old bugga c’mon give us a grin!
There ya go, see!

Always look on the right side of life…
(Cheer up ya old bugga c’mon give us a grin! At same time)

There ya go, see!

5 Likes