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Favourite Jokes Please

Anybody got any good jokes? I reckon a lot of us struggling at the moment need cheerng up.

My favourite one is:

Two people sitting on a bench and one says to the other while they are gazing at the moon “I wonder which is furthest away Africa or the moon”. The other person says “Africa silly because you can see the moon”.

What is your favourite?

Shazzie xx

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself. “Oh, no… Now my wife will kill me!”

Bob says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

“You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!”

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says,
“Nowainaminit, I can e’splain everythin. tsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got sick on me…he had one too many! and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an’ gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!”

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, “But this is forty bucks…”

“Oh, yeah… I almos’ fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.”

Hahahaha!! Very good.

Shazzie xx

Ha ha Shazzie, love it!

One of my favourite corny jokes is:-

Q. What do frogs wear on their feet in summer?

A. Open toad sandals.

Tracey x

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

Really sorry. Angela x

Lol Tracey. That is brilliant!! And clean too.

Thanks for the laugh!

Shazzie xx

Angela. Very good!!

Shazzie xxx

Two Englishmen called Mick and Paddy are on holiday in the Vatican City. They overhear two cardinals talking and one says to the other,“Isn’t it terrible that the holy father will be dead by saturday.” Mick says to Paddy,“Let’s get home, sell everything and put a bet on that the Pope will be dead by saturday.”

It’s sunday night the pope has died and Paddy is sitting in the pub crying.Mick comes in with a plane ticket to Hawaii and a suitcase full of tenners.Mick says,“What happened,didn’t you get the bet on?” Paddy says,“Yes…but I had him in a double with the Arch Bishop of Canterbury.”

Two elephants fell off a cliff

Boom boom.

Little boy: “Mum, what are your boobs for?”

Mum (slightly taken aback) - " well son, when you die they blow up like balloons and carry you up to heaven".

Little boy: “Oh, in that case, I think the girl next door is dying”.

mum: “why do you think that?”

boy: “Because dad is in there blowing up her boobs, and she’s screaming God, I’m coming”.

Wb. Very funny!!! I am feeling better already!! Nothing like a good chuckle!!

Shazzie xxx

Joseflkloz1702

Naughty but funny!!! Hehehehe!!

Thank you so much everyone for cheering me up on a bad day.

Shazzie xxx

Why did Edward Woodward have 4 D’s in his name?

Cos if he didn’t he’d be called Ewar Woowar!! Boom Boom!!!

Frog goes into a Bank and asks the teller; Paddy; for a loan of £30,000. Paddy asks the frog his name and he says it’s Kermit Jagger; his dad’s in a rock group.

Paddy also explains you must have collateral? So Kermit searches his pockets and finds this perfectly formed porcelain Elephant. Paddy say’s she will have to see The Manager about this!

So she explains it to the manager who say’s; It’s a knick knack Paddy Wak give the frog a loan; his old man’s a Rolling Stone.

While robbing a house a burglar hears “Jesus will get you.” The burglar looks around but its pitch black and can’t see a thing and hears again “Jesus will get you.”

He then sees this Parrot on a perch and say’s to him “have you been saying Jesus will get you?”; “yes” the Parrot replied. “What’s your name” the burglar asks “Moses” the Parrot says; “what type of person in their right mind is going to call a Parrot Moses” “the same type of person that calls a Rottweiler Jesus.”

Two Irishmen on board a ship, standing on deck looking into the horizon. A big hand appears at the aft end from the sea and travels to the stern before disappearing back into the sea.

Paddy turns to Mick and said…

Sure Mick that was a hellava big wave .

News; a man has drowned in a vat of museli.

He was pulled under by a strong current.

In other news; a man was found dead in a pizza shop. He was covered in cheese, ham, olives and anchovies.

Police think he topped himself.

Sorry

JZ

Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science…

Description: Description: Description: Description: Description:  Description: []
The new element is Governmentium (Gv)… It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.

What do you call a Deer without any eyes?

No I Deer

What do you call a deer withiout any eyes or legs?

Still no idea.

Some of these really made my day, thanks.

XX