Forum

Dating and MS.....

When you have MS and its not always visible to others; new people you meet automatically assume that you’re healthy…having been single now for 9 months and never had the issue of disclosing in my previous 8 yr relationship (as i had been diagnosed during that time) I have been dating but find myself bolting before it goes anywhere…I need a mans opinion?

Does having MS make them reach for their trainers and run for the hills?

I’ve had relapsing/remitting MS for nearly 4 years now…i’ve come to terms with it but not sure if asking someone else to do the same is too much to ask?

I know I’m not a bloke but wanted to comment on this as its a question that I’ve been interested to know the answer to. I’ve been single for a while and will be looking to date in the future when all the other investigations are over and I was wondering when you should tell someone about the diagnosis.

Hey Karina…not quite so new to ms as i am to dating, i think there must be more people who wonder about this. I’ve told family and close friends and most recently my employer and closest workmates, one of the guys at work offered me his seat! lol…

I dont really know where to go with it…i’ll openly admit its a wee bit scary…so if anyone has the answers or advice feel free!

I’m not a man either (given the ratio of female to male posters here, you might not collect many male opinions).

But I think it depends entirely on the man. I don’t think you can generalise about how “men” would react, because they’re all individuals, with different attitudes and values. I guess it will be a complete no-no for some, a worry, but want to know more for others, and no big deal to a few.

I agree it’s hard to know when or if to disclose. I think, ideally, as early as possible - but probably not on a first date.

I don’t get out on many “dates” these days, but I had one earlier this year, with someone who’d been a pen-pal first. So I didn’t have the “embarrassing disclosure” moment, because it had all come out in correspondence first.

The date didn’t go anywhere, romantically speaking, but I don’t feel it was because of the MS. I just don’t think we had a lot of chemistry. We still had a nice day, and I didn’t have that awful dilemma of: “Shall I/shan’t I tell him?”

I tend to be a bit wary of “online dating” (mine wasn’t strictly that, as he’d contacted me from years ago), but at least it gives you a chance to test the water a bit, before being face-to-face in the romantic restaurant, and having to drop the bombshell.

Tina

Hi you two, I’m not sure how I would handle this situation tbh but the point I want to make is that my boyfriend stayed with me while I was diagnosed and it was pretty obvious from the start that I had something wrong with me, although it did come and go a bit at that time. He married me and we are still together today and I was diagnosed in 1995. The point I want to make is that not everyone runs for the hills. Good luck with whatever you do. Cheryl:-)

Thanks Cheryl,

My last relationship didnt end because of the Ms…i was diagnosed about 4 years in, i think its the prospect of someone new having to deal with it that im finding difficult… i know not generalise and that all men will feel differently, i would really appreciate anyones experiences…how they told them, varied reactions and dealing with the aftermath!

Thank you x

hiya

someone on here convinced me it was a good idea to try online dating. i was on a site for 3 months. i met someone on here and dated for 2 years-we just wanted different things in life. 2 guys i met online am still in touch with today-no romantic ideas at all.

the 3rd guy i met online emailed me few months ago. i never never hid the fact i have ms-just talked generally. we met a few times and is still around today. some of u are aware of horrendous relapse i have been coping with since june-and he is still around. has a job with long unsociable hours but we are in touch by text daily and see each other every 2/3 weeks. we both have our own lives but enjoy the caring nature of the other.

i find honesty is best policy-couldnt rembember what i had said anyway!

good luck! ms is a part of u but it doesnt define who you are

ellie x

Hi, I met my now husband 3 yrs after my diagnosis, I was upfront with him regarding my illness after I new it was getting serious. He never had any issues with it and we have now been married 18 months. We are both in are fifties and on are second marriages but I have never been happier. So yes there is chance of happiness even with ms!!! Karen x

I’m currently on a Dating website with complete honesty about the MS,my tagline is “Knackered not neutered” and in 10 weeks I have MET three girls,one had a stroke six years ago,but we spent an amazing 10 days together,one was recovering after horrendous cancer and treatment,who is still in touch and I admire her fortitude so much.I went to her second husband’s funeral as he was a Fire Fighter. And there was a ‘baggage handler’ who was totally -crewed up,but she did meet me for a drink,and the day after fessed up she’d been doing ‘the wild thing’ with a married man for six months and was waiting for him to leave his wife!!!

Then there were another three who chatted on line, a case of ME who was totally needy,a cluster migraine sufferer who did nothing at all when times were good,and a girl who had her heart broken in 1981 (no typo) and had not/wouldnot get over it.

The moral of the story is that there will be disabled blokes and ‘normal’ ones on these web sites who will gravitate towards a poorly girl who is completely honest.Eventually I’ll meet a local bird,and that’ll be that.

Wb x

ps I might try and put my Inter-date profile on here, just for a laarf

1 Like

Interests

Nature the demise of the planet laughing and using my brain

About Me
I’ve had multiple sclerosis for 11 years,cannot walk,but ain’t giving up. I realise I shouldn’t really be on here,but why not?(have you seen how shoddy the disabled web sites are?) I am an Ex Army Officer, Fire Fighter,husband, lager drinker(wine now).Nobody has told me I’m not still a climbing instructor.Live alone, apart from Dave on Free View,but do everything myself,(hate changing the duvet cover)and go out every day for coffee+cigarettes.I use my Big Buggy for that, then Little Buggy if boozing and or ‘socializing’ is involved, MS will not kill me,boredom, lonliness and a swallowed wine cork might though.

'Spose I’m just an a***y middle aged teenager who needs company of similar girl who says what she sees.Wasn’t that Catchphrase? Honesty is everything to me,and once a rapport is established everything falls into place.'Praps I shouldn’t have said fall

My life is strange but if you and your life are sorted there is no reason why a corner of each of our lives couldn’t merge and give us a place to have to ourselves. I live in North Wirral and can get on trains,coaches etc in Liverpool Travelling is tough sometimes,mainly for any Operators who try and stop me.

Isn’t it a shame that the bloke who may be the most honest and wittiest on here can’t walk.(definitely is for him )“I don’t want sympathy,but I’ll take a cheque.” Can you see past the machinery and knackered body(not all of it though) to the loving caring lad who has lots to give,and needs somebody to care about.
I’ve had to give up lots of things,but a girl of real character will see that I’m still in here.Lots of fun then 'praps there’ll be more,“There is nothing like the love of a woman who is good at being bad”

If you are disabled or poorly,and we’re not talking a snotty nose or a hangover,there are preferential rates,empathy, patience and understanding.I realise that even chatting with me raises questions of yourself your perceptions,aspirations,perspirations and inclinations.

Steve x

An excellent reply from ‘woblyboy’

Spread pour net as wide as possible. If the guy’s going to run for it there’s nothing you can do - some will run some will stay.

If I were a woman you’d have won me over. Terrific!

Well thank you kind sir. Back in the day on the old MS Boards there was the Pen Pals section and there were many liasions and assignations of the Forum users. BUT the managment have decided to rigourously apply Confidentiality Guidelines and SOVA (Safeguarding of Vulnerable Adults) legislation. Coupled with the loss of ‘The reply to the reply’ facility and what do you get?..Further isolation and marginalisation of the very people the wonderful MS Society are SUPPOSED to represent and help.The on-line dating sites are nasty places,and need to be treated with caution.

I suppose people could get it together via personal messages,but the initial contact and flirting happened on the boards.Oops am I saying too much?

Wb x

Woblyboy, Love it! Why aren’t they queueing up?!

I agree, online dating can be a minefield, but so can ‘regular’ dating, or, god forbid, ‘blind dating’.

I met my (second and current!) husband on line over 8 years ago now, took our time, lived a long way apart, but it all came good and we are very happily married! And believe me, we’ve endured some tough times, but I truly believe he’s the love of my life.

There are no certainties, which ever way you choose x

Hi, it`s been interesting reading your replies, cat. Why not give wb a pm…he seems to know a thing or tow about message dating.

Good luck in whatever you do.

luv Pollx

Hi Everyone…and thank you!

If nothing else you lot have cheered me up! Woblyboy i take my hat off to you for your honesty…everyone deserves someone special and im quite sure that will happen for you!

Chocorange…i dont think my MS defines me, im a firm believer in living my life and enjoying it…i just have a hurdle or two along the way, i really appreciate all your replies…its good to get perspective from people in similar situations.

Dating websites!! thats not a hurdle its the high jump! …and im a wee bit scared of heights :slight_smile:

Hello Catx4. If you’re going onto internet dating sites I’d advice caution. They are demoralising places and the blokes on them are usually not what they say they are(except me).'Praps the ‘Pay for view’ type are better than the free ones.

There might be a bit of ‘eye candy’ at your local MS Chapter meetings.If only Pen Pals still existed.

Wb

Haha…‘eye candy’ !

im not sure im brave enough for the whole internet thing wobly…probably too many sharks…excluding you of course!

Aah im sure pen pals would be a better option but real life may just work out eventually too …maybe

Fantastic profile Woblyboy and you have cheered me up no end, thank you! It really is a shame they removed the Pen Pal section, I think it would be a hoot!

A very good point about the dating sites too. I perused both an ‘ordinary’ and a disabled dating site some years ago and the people were equally ‘strange’ so I gave up and am happily single.

I’m also not a bloke Cat (!) but I tend to think that honesty is the best policy. At least if they know the score, they can make their own decision about whether they can cope with your condition. If they run for the hills, better for them to do it sooner rather than later hun and if they really are a ‘keeper’, you know they love you for yourself despite any issues with your health.

If it’s you that’s doing the running however, you’re not really giving them a chance (or maybe they’re just not the right one for you?). Use your intuition hun. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

Good luck & do let us know how it goes.

Mags xx

Thanks mags, are there really disabled dating sites?! nothing like widening the gap eh hmm x