Date!

Everyday living
1

I had a date this afternoon! I’m not sure if I was more nervous about that or the hospital appointment earlier this week.

It was not a stranger, but a chap I knew many years ago at work. We always got on OK, but I don’t think ever really considered each other dating material.

Anyway - funny old world. He got a new phone, and was cleaning up his contact list, when he noticed my number on there, and thought: “Hey! Wonder whatever happened to her?”

So he texted and asked was I still on that number, and if so, would I be interested in meeting up?

Anyway, I dithered about as usual: “Shall I, shan’t I?”, but he was quite keen and persistent, and eventually coaxed me into going.

So we met up today - first time in 10 years.

Yes, I think it went well! He’d “only” booked four hours in the car park, thinking that would be more than enough, but in fact, we were chatting so much, we had to run (or what passes for running, with me), back to the car, and were still ten minutes late, and lucky not to get a ticket.

I thought I could have got a kiss, if I wanted one - it was me that held back, not him. AND he’s txted as soon as I got home to say he’d like to go out again - “Don’t hesitate to call, anytime!”.

I dunno. We did get on very well, but I didn’t feel much chemistry, otherwise I’d have kissed him. He didn’t care about the MS (except in the sense of being concerned), and didn’t care I’m unemployed. He did want to know what I’ve been reading lately, and what I watch on telly, which I’d expected to be very lean pickings for a conversation.

I’m sure it’s open to me to start something if I wanted to. But I’m hesitant. Partly because I’ve not been dating anyone for yonks (Years, if I’m really honest), and feel a bit crap at it. Partly because I’m not sure about dating a former colleague. If it was meant to be, why didn’t it happen back then? And then there’s the whole: “not sure I fancy him” thing, and finally, to cap it all, if I persevered for a few dates, and suddenly realised I did fancy him, not everything works in all departments, if you see what I mean, so if we wanted to move things to the next level, there would be “issues”.

Part of me thinks: “Maybe the right person IS someone you knew ages ago, and you were both just too dumb to realise?” But another part of me thinks I’m just not relationship material - with or without MS - and it would be storing up trouble to encourage him, but then tell him: “Look, it’s been nice, but I can’t deliver, OK?”

I know he’d love it if I called and said: “Let’s do it again!” But I already have a sneaking feeling I’ll let it lapse.

Tina

x

2

Great news Tina be friends see what happens in time , think you owe it too yourself to have fun & if he

cares that way who knows i may have to buy a new baseball cap lol seriously enjoy yourself

sheep x

3

Who knows he may not care that there are ‘issues’. Or maybe he is meant to become just a friend. Maybe you should give it another go. Em x

5

Thanks all. It’s a shame, in these situations, one side is always keener. I think my friend is obviously looking for someone, whereas I’m not sure I am. Although it has been the other way round, too. A year or two ago, someone got in touch after years - similar circumstances - and I was really taken with him, but it was not reciprocal. He didn’t get in touch to say what a nice time he’d had, or that he’d like to meet again. We did stay in touch…just, but about a year later, I realised I was last resort, and he was only ever contacting me when things hadn’t worked out with somebody he liked better. In other words he was contacting me when he needed a morale boost - but then he’d meet someone else and it would stop again. :frowning:

Anyway, none of this is to say anything against the friend in this recent reunion, who is clearly keener, but I wonder if the boot is on the other foot now, and it’s me who is cooler. I know for us gals (not Sheep!), attraction often comes late to the show, and we need to feel the emotions first, before we want the rest. So maybe if I saw more of him, and grew fonder, something might click?

It’s just, in my experience, it very rarely does, unless you were at least sensing some potential from Day 1. If I’d thought he was “hot”, wouldn’t I have noticed, seeing him every day at work, all those years ago? I did notice the skin-tight jeans at times - kind of hard not to - but I don’t remember looking longingly, thinking: “He’s the one…”

I know a few dates would not be a commitment to marry - or do anything with anyone. Summer’s coming - might be nice to have a bit of congenial male company, and visit arty stuff. He’s into the arts, and was quite suprised I’m now doing Art History, and could even converse meaningfully(ish) about some actual artists.

You’re right Val - I definitely think too much - always my problem. So much can be taken away so soon. I suppose I worry that if he’s really looking for someone, but I’m less sure, I might cause him disappointment, and stop him meeting someone much keener. I don’t think I’m worried about getting hurt - I’m worried about accidentally hurting someone else.

Will update, anyway, if I decide to see him again. :wink:

Tina

x

6

Hindsight & second-guessing are fun things that you could play all day with Tina but you’ll just end up in a tizzy.

Even if after a few dates you decide you don’t fancy him then you still have re-discovered a good friend that you seem very comfortable with, it sounds like you both got on really well. And it is amazing how some-one who is ‘not your type’ can grow on you til one day you realise you do find them ‘fancy’ them, have done for ages, but can’t remember exactly when. (been there & done it)

I think you should give him a call and arrange another meeting. Only this time give yourself more than four hours. I’m perfectly willing to harass you til you do

Good luck hun and enjoy yourself

JBK xx

7

Glad the date went well Tina. I think Val is right here, stop thinking so much! You say your not afraid of being hurt, just afraid you will hurt somebody else. He’s a grown up, he knows the risks just as much as you do. Why not take it as it comes, see if any feelings appear? I have to say when I first met my husband - I didn’t think oh he’s the one for me. But over time I grew to love him, and now wouldn’t be without him. Sometimes being alone for a long time makes you so self reliant it’s easy to forget how much happiness you can get from letting somebody into you life. Let us know all about date two :slight_smile:

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Hi Tina

Even if it doesnt lead to anything, it would be nice for you to have a good friend to go out on days out with, and if it happens to be a male, I see that as a bonus.

Dont read too much into it, just go with the flow, and if it is meant to happen…it will.

Wisshing you all the best, whatever your decision is.

Pam x

9

Good news Tina.

Brill for your self esteem. Fancy he contacted you all these years later. Very flattering hun.

If I were you I would just enjoy his company and see how it goes from there. If “things” are meant to happen then they will. If not and you end up friends then that is nice too.

Keep us all up to date.

Shazzie xx

10

I’m so glad you enjoyed yourself yesterday, Tina.

I agree with all the advice you have already had. Just enjoy his company and see where things go. There’s no hard and fast rule that says you have to end up kissing him, or marrying him. You can just remain friends if things don’t work out romantically. Having said all of this, I’m exactly the same when it comes to dating though and feel I am now so set in my ways that I am probably better off on my own. I’m not very good at taking my own advice.

FYI - When I had my first symptoms, I had had one date with a really nice man but the next time I saw him I was slurring and dribbling which was really embarrassing. I hadn’t known him long enough to trouble him with health problems so made up an excuse about mouth ulcers. Anyway, long story short, by the time I was diagnosed and my self confidence was in tatters I told him the full story including being numb from the waist down and we did try to make a go of it for a while but my emotions were all over the place and I finished with him. We stayed friends and he later confessed that he has health problems of his own and a full relationship would have been very difficult and embarrassing for him too. We are still very close friends, can tell each other anything and everything without embarrassment as there’s little left to be embarrassed about really!! It’s also really useful to have a male friend who can help with DIY type jobs and to go on days out with. He can only cook the basics so I cook him a meal (and a cake to take home with him) while he does some hard labour for me. We’ve supported each other through thick and thin through the past few years so I don’t feel bad burdening him with my problems now as he has needed my support too with family matters etc.

Text your friend back, arrange another meeting and have fun. If you enjoy each other’s company then what else is there to worry about? He’s a grown man, I’m sure he isn’t expecting it to be love at first sight :wink: It could be the start of something beautiful, or at least a very good friendship. Are you sure you don’t have room in your life for a good friend or a little happiness?

Tracey x

11

Great you had a date, if you enjoyed it then whats the harm in testing the water. From reading you post it seems that are you having reservations because of your MS, not all men worry about “issues” perhaps like me he focuses on personality as much as the person.

Also there is the thing of do you be upfront with “issues” or get attached nd then tell him and worry about the reponse it is not an easy disicsion but only one you can make i would be well out of my comfort zone if it was me.

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tina

u think too much!

as u may recall i dated someone i met on here and we dated for 2 years-it just wasnt meant to be-we were just so different in our outlook but am sure we learned from each other and i dont regret our time for a second-in fact i learnt so much about human behaviour because of that relationship.

i dabbled in dating a few months later then BANG my huge relapse that u are aware of. i assumed (wrongly) that he wouldnt be interested. how wrong was i?! 2 and 1/2 years later we have the most unconvential relationship i know of but it works for us.

why am i telling u this?! because folk generally are ‘hung up’ on whats normal. there is no such thing. you decide what u want from life and go get it! that may mean having friends and not b/f or may include a b/f-only u can decide. all i would suggest is dont do his thinking for him-he can make his own decisions (yes-thats talking from experience!)

take care tina, thinking of you, ellie x

13

Hi Tina I haven’t been on here so much lately so I’ve missed some things. I’m not going to offer any advice because its so long since I dated and I’m no expert and I’m not even sure if you’re looking for advice. But, I’m glad it went well today and it sounds like you both had a lovely time. I really should try to get back onto the site more often so I can keep up with these things. Cheryl:-)

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Yes please

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Haha! Not sure if you’re making me a rival offer, Hobs, or putting in a bid for my date, if I say no! Should I tell him there’s competition?

Given me a smile, anyway.

Getting back to the serious stuff, I suppose I’ve never been that good at the whole dating thing anyway. Always seem to end up with someone who’s keen on me, but I don’t feel the same, OR the other way round. Maybe, subconsciously, I only look for people who aren’t really interested, because then there’s no danger I’ll have to do anything life-changing about it!

Anyway, could probably do a whole psychology thesis on that, but one thing’s for sure; advancing age and declining health don’t make it any easier!

I was worried being ill and having no job would mean I was becoming quite a boring person, but at least there’s no sign he thought that. Four hours without running out of chat wasn’t bad.

Tina

x

16

Ha ha Anitra, I’ve only started a Job I need to build up funds again before I can think about a new girlie.
I understand about the job thing. I did go out with someone who had MS back in the early days I thought it was the ideal relationship
but she thought I had ulterior motives for going out with her or she even said I was putting her down all the time.

None of this was true and I could not convince her that it was all in her head which I think I said to her once and it made things alot worse.

Last arguement ended with ‘I was only going out with her so I could see her pets’, So I knew I could not reason with her.

The thing is I have chats with lots of people and don’t get bored of them but it don’t mean they are dating potential.

I got drunk one night and reactivated my match account and it would seam they don’t care about MS funny how I kept ending up with teachers also on first date and all of them hated Rock/Metal and had terrible tastes in music.

17

Going out with her so you could see her pets? Blimey, that is a weird one! I know MS doesn’t do much for the old confidence, but I don’t think I’m so paranoid yet that I believe nobody would date me if not for an ulterior motive.

T.

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I know I like animals alot but 2 dogs and 2 cats I could get my own etc.
As for putting her down I was only messing yet she took it to heart as an expample she would say ‘I fink’ and I would say there is a Th in that.

Anyway thats sadly in the past now shame as alot of the time she was a good laugh and we got on, then every so often it was like it was a different person and she was either angry or ultra sensitive then remember it and brood on it.

19

Thing is I think anyone can find someone regardless of MS but if you don’t go out anywhere or mix with others then your chances drop.

Oh I signed up once to a free dating website but they was all USA then someone in my branch signed up to a free disabled website and I got loads of hits but they all had bipolar which I did not think was a disability.

Anyway done with them time places way to many people with issues which is rich comming from me

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Anyway done with them type places way to many people with issues which is rich comming from me

Lordy loo its about time you can they let you edit your post on this place even FB does.

21

Some of this could have been written by me . Story of my life.

Tracey x