Having split from my wife a little while ago, I am going on my first date with someone new in 15 years. As if that wasn’t scary enough the MS dilemma has just hit me - is it something you tell someone on a first date, as with my symptoms its not obvious there is an issue.
Was with wife when diagnosed so never had to deal with this. Spent all night stressing what to wear. A shopping trip fixes that and then this hits me.
i have until 7.30 tomorrow to resolve so urgent help needed.
Apologies about the triviality of this against some of the real issues on here… If nothing else you can laugh at a 43 year old man, who is as giddy as a 15 year old, excited yet terrified.
I wouldn’t fret too much about telling her about MS. If it comes up naturally, mention it. But don’t force the issue. If she seems interested, I’d talk leisurely about it.
Hi how exciting for you. Just take a deep breath and calm down lol. It is a big thing for you to have your first date after so many years regardless of the MS.
I would simply use this date as your first step back on the dating laddar and see how you get on. I mean you might meet this person and think oh dear not for me lol.
Just go out enjoy yourself and see how you get on. Mentioning your MS really for me would not be important on this first rung of the laddar. I mean they might have issues and thinking the same lol.
Now calm down and go out and just enjoy yourself. x
Jase,all I can advise is to be yourself.Remember that she’ll be nervous as a turkey in December, so you’ll have to decide when to mention MS.It’ll be really surprising if she doesn’t know of somebody in our club and her reaction will be a clear indication of what she is like.Have a simple explanation along the lines of electrical wires short circuiting worked out blah blah,but if she knows anything let her talk about it and that will help you relax.
I went on a blind date six years ago with a girl I met on t’Internet,she knew about the MS and later admitted that she was just having a few drinks and that was it…I had three years drunken debauchery with her that I never thought I’d ever have again.I reckon that one way or another you have to tell her on the date, or not telling her will become a bigger thing if there’s a second appointment
Fingers crossed,legs open,and here’s hoping that if nothing else you have a pleasant evening,looking good in your new togs
Hey Jase, How are yer ? I was gonna give you a ‘man answer’, but that would upset the other half, so I’ll just say - best of luck, be yourself, and enjoy it ! (But I wouldn’t mention it first date either, unless it comes up (she asks?, or you drop something/lose your balance etc - depends what you’re symptoms are)) I’m 43 (nearly) too, married 12 years…but I don’t think I could be arsed with it if it all went south…seems so damn complicated these days… Back in the game !!! Take care, Andy
Jenna nailed it as far as I’m concerned; if it comes up naturally mention it, but don’t force the issue.
And your nervousness is adorable, you’ve got a whole lot more life experience since the last time you had these feelings though, so go with it and enjoy yourself!
Andy, of course now I’m intrigued to know what this man answer would have been.
Generally speaking, I do think it’s best to introduce it as early as possible, but that doesn’t have to mean on a first date.
I don’t do “dates” very often - only had a couple since diagnosis five years ago. But in both cases, I already knew the person from another context. One had been a classmate from primary school who looked me up after many years, the second was a former work colleague who did the same.
So in each case, it was fairly natural to discuss what had been happening to us since we last met, in advance of the date.
Neither date turned into anything special, sadly, though did get to a third date with the former work colleague. but I don’t think MS was the deciding factor.
With hindsight, I think both chaps had recently had breakups, and that was their reason for getting in touch - not that they were interested in me, especially, but just feeling a bit sorry for themselves. This was a pattern that was to be repeated - neither getting in touch unless bored or sad. Having MS does NOT mean I think it’s OK to be used as a fallback when life disappoints - I’ve got my own problems. So eventually I wised up to it, and they didn’t get such a positive response as when they’d tried it the first couple of times, and things just fizzled out.
Hope things go better for you! I wouldn’t worry about disclosure on a first meeting, unless it crops up naturally, as others have said. But if the date goes well, I’d certainly be looking to address it before things start getting too serious. Even if people are (or would have been) perfectly OK about the MS itself, they may feel “played” if they think there’s been deliberate concealment for any length of time. It doesn’t bode well for honesty and openness in the relationship if they find out you’ve kept quiet about a “big” thing, does it?
Good for you Jase - She will be just as nervous. Take your time - judge the right moment. You might not get on - she could be someone you would not want to go out with again. So why worry now about divulging all your secrets.
Where did you meet her? Was it through a friend - or on-line. Most people in their late 30’s /40’s will have some ‘baggage’. Ex- spouses - children etc. Life get so complicated.
Hi Jase i cannot add anything to the above but we must be around the same age im guessing above all be yourself and let someone see into your heart but remeember you dont have to tell anyone everything just treat it as a night out and if anything should blossom then its a bonus but if all that happens is you get out and have a nice evening then rock on buddy have a great time my friend
If you fall over, drop your drink, knock a drink all over her, stumble over nothing, have any other minor accident that makes it look as though you’re drunk, then tell her it’s the MS not the booze. Otherwise, I would say keep things light on a first date. It may never come to the second (or third, fourth, fifth).
Anyway, let’s face it, your obviously not likely to be reading this now, you only have about 33 minutes left …
… So let us know how it went and whether you did or didn’t. Tell her that is!
Thanks for all the tips. Only fair to let you know how it went.
Went to dinner with a pretty, articulate and funny girl. After dinner she suggested going to the pub to watch the second half of the rugby. A sexy girl who likes beer and rugby - jackpot. ( Andy - the unwritten male advice was at the forefront of my mind)
Got to the bar got a beer and she wanted to sit down - another result didn’t have to talk about MS. Couldn’t make the next bit up, a few more drinks and she had a mouth like a sewer. The F word was a noun, verb and adjective, it was every fing sentence. Long time since I have been so embarrassed and that’s from a man who has wet himself in public!!
Feel fantastic though, normal night, rubbish date, didn’t think about fing MS once,
At least I have a new shirt!!
Thanks for all the tips massive fing help. Really fing sorry but I can’t fing help it.
Oh, what a shame! Especially as she’d made such a good initial impression, but then blew it with all the swearing.
Not making excuses for her, but looks like she possibly just can’t hold her drink, if things were OK up 'til then. But if that is her “normal” reaction to a couple of drinks, and you’d hoped to socialise on anything like a regular basis, it would obviously have been an issue.
I wonder if she thought trying to appear more “blokish” and “one of the lads” would actually appeal to you - as you’d been impressed by the beer and rugby appreciation.
Not that I’m saying it’s the norm, or would be OK from a bloke. Not all men are like that - I can’t remember my dad doing it, except for ONE occasion - and that shows how very rare it must have been - I can remember the exact circumstances. It wasn’t directed at me, or involving me at all, but he did get very cross about something - he wasn’t just using it as a spare adjective.
And I think, for either sex, it’s ill-judged to let rip like that on a first date. That’s what she’s like when she’s going all-out to impress? Wonder what she’s like when she just doesn’t care? Perhaps she thinks it demonstrates modernity and open-mindedness, but far nicer ways of demonstrating such qualities than that.
Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained, and all that.
Having got out of the house and done it once, it should be easier next time, and I’m sure there’ll be a next time - just not with her!
Hey Jase, How are yer ? Glad you had a good evening dude ! Sexy, rugby, drinker, I was thinking - that’s a keeper !!! Loose lips sink ships and all, there is a war on…, maybe she’s regretting that this morning. Well, you’ve taken the first step…
Well done on going through with it! Shame about the potty mouth, but you got yourself over that newly single - first date hurdle and that’s what counts. Onwards and upwards now, my man! Maybe this one can just end up as a drinking buddy?
Take care, Andy
Well, you’ve taken the first step…