Is your duck looking at me.
How many times do I have to tell people. It’s a goose.
Or are you monkeying around with me?
Playing the chimp?
The ‘love’ was through gritted teeth Sue, talking of fat ginger 1, AD, with a hat on your avatar is the image of Mr Dc, bit more hair granted, but very alike, spooky.
What I wouldn’t have given for that chippy van Slug, any food van for that matter!
Are we sitting comfortable boys & girls? Then I shall begin,
We were awoken from our drunken comas very early on the morning of Tuesday 9th (the days & dates will always be etched in my brain for eternity). The very unfamiliar sound of wheels crunching on gravel had us intrigued (don’t forget, we hadn’t seen a living soul for days, except for Herbert). After peeling ourselves from our beds (beds as in single, you try putting a can bed together when hammered), a human!!! in a tow truck!!! with Tank 2 on the back!!! I have never seen Mr Dc move so quick (he was already dressed from previous day, yep we were that drunk). He fell down the steps & onto the ground in front of the ‘saviour’ (bit early in the morning to be paying homage to someone you’ve just met I thought, a bit extreme, but he was obviously elated). “Sorry for the delay, I had trouble finding you” remarked ‘saviour’, what!!! considering we were the only sad b*****ds on the site & the fact we had spelled out SOS in the empty beer bottles, that would have been seen from space, I can’t see how we could have been that elusive.
Anyway, watching Mr Dc kissing & dancing around ‘saviour’, although disturbing, I almost broke a smile, almost. Tank 2 was wheeled off the tow truck, Mr Dc made coffee, general chit chat, all going well. I did manage a little jollity, “you can take that back” I said "it’s the wrong colour" to which ‘saviour’ looked rather worried (really?!!) I have been told if you crack a joke here on a friday, they will laugh on a monday, you get my gist. No worries, sure he’s laughed by now. The day was looking up, having raided all our alcohol & nibbles, things would have gotton dire to put it mildly, but at least we could now get provisions (edible 1s as well as liquid). Onwards & upwards, I had my date with Herbert, shouted my obscenities at the shower & had renewed hope.
After a bit of trouble getting into Tank 2, I swear it was bigger than Tank 1, a few more choice words, we were off to anywhere that had a supermarket & people. Supermarket was ace (that’s what I was reduced to), provisions galore, I don’t usually go into supermarkets, the lights bother me, but I made the most of this outing by God!.
Back to can, I even managed some words (quite nice 1s) to Mr Dc, (he’s not forgiven, by a long shot, but talking to a spider has it’s limitations) had real food & things were looking up, but were they?, wouldn’t be writing this sorry story if they were would I?!. Ok, we hadn’t even bothered trying to set the tv up, couldn’t have focused on it considering the amount of alcohol consumed, let alone find where the areial went, although I had thought of a few appropriate places, as you can imagine. Guess what? someone had forgot the areial, no lead for the socket either, well surprise, surprise. Now then, resentment was starting to build, but I took deep breaths & suggested we could use my laptop for the tv, would lovely Mr Dc go & see ‘the man’ & enquire about the internet? course he would as shoes were whistling past his head.
Internet sorted, only cost £10, no shock there, ‘the man’ was Arthur Daly incarnate, to be expected. Set up complete, full belly, time for liquid refreshments, again. Besides, playing deaf & dumb is tiring & by now Mr Dc’s mental state was suffering, he was on the edge, beer helps to soothe the soul, does for me anyway. In the words of Arnie, I will be back, theres more, much more…
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I can’t stand the suspense.
Why is your goose looking at me like that?
It’s wondering what you are.
I am loving this tale. I especially liked the ‘wrong colour’ comment. Some people just don’t have a sense of humour. And thankfully you managed to get into Tank 2 and replenish supplies of alcohol as well as some food.
Sue
Theres more yet Sue, but I’m off on the p**s tonight, funny how a spot of torture will make you see life a tad different I am hoping to do a ‘Carole’ tomorrow, come down the stairs on my bum! xx
Twas the night before Wednesday,
& all through the can,
Not a Dc was stirring…
Then came the bang.
2.30 AM. I remember dreaming about a certain Green Flag man, enough of that, I/we were rudely awoken, by what I can only describe as Hades letting the tormented spirits out of the gate from hell on day release. I have never heard (or want to again) such a racket in all my life. The can was lit up like a roman candle & rocking (No, not that, we couldn’t raise a smile, let alone anything else). The Apocalypse was upon us, Armageddon was here.
Mr Dc’s eyes were the size of dinner plates & he was whimpering in the corner, (the shaking came later). I was not too pleased myself, my heart had stopped by this point, the end was nigh. Staring at each other, which 1 was going to look out of the can’s window? (I’m thinking, your the man of the can, you do it), he was frozen to the bed, up to me then (coward).
Releasing the blind, very slowly, besides I was shaking that much I could not do it quickly & the fact I really didn’t want to see the demon, I peered out. The light was blinding (I now know what a rabbit feels like when confronted by a car’s headlights). What the f**kin hell was it!!! Close Encounters of the 3rd kind, that’s what, it was a scene from War of the worlds, ‘the chances of anything coming from Mars, was a million to 1 they said’, my arse, they were outside the window!!! Visions of alien abduction & crop circles sprung to mind, we’re doomed.
Mr ‘wuss’ Dc, had by now composed himself a tad & had his face stuck to the window, “it’s a friggin train!!!” He exclaimed! We now know this ‘thing’ was referred to as a ‘Ghost Train’ by the locals, it now became apparent why we were the only d***heads on this field, the railway line was frequented, no, not with normal trains but a monster that took great pleasure in striking terror into unwary (stupid) campers. The torture went on for 2 hours, & it could still be heard slowly creeping down the line all night. Traumatised is the understatement of the century, a police raid would have been welcome compared to this.
Stopped our ill will & contempt of each other though, being that scared we huddled together, brought together by sheer fear of what would happen next. You will be forgiven for thinking, why the hell haven’t we fled by now, well to be honest it was beginning to be a bit of a sadomasicist game, who would break 1st? my bet was on Mr Dc, he was already showing signs of madness & I was planning which asylum I was going to have him committed to, if, we made it home.
I am nearly at the end of my tale of woe my lovely people, there’s a few more things yet though, I will enlighten you very soon…
Ooh you are a clever DC, mixing together Slugs Poetry corner and BF. But how terrifying. It seems that wuss #1 and not quite so wussy #2 needed a joint fear to reconcile them. But now I have an ear worm. There’s nothing for it, got to listen to War of the Worlds. Again.
You are our very own Dickens, we are left on a cliffhanger everytime. Are you trying to enslave us all? It’s working, can’t wait for the next episode.
And there was no mention of any booze in this instalment. What happened, did you drink it all? Surely not.
Sue x
We were beginning to look yellow Sue, we had embalmed ourselves to the point of being mummified for eternity, presuming we were buried together, Mr Dc has probably suffered enough in life, although I am quite confident that I will have an impact on him, even after death, alcohol had been replaced by insanity at this point, we only had 1 brain cell left between us. xx
I`m hooked too…
pollsx
The Isle of Durer will need someone good at telling sagas of heroic derring-do and dragon slaying.
I’m nominating Tracey D’c as our Chronicler in Residence.
A.D.
Seconded. Tracey is an excellent story teller. And she is well placed re dragons, but don’t say too much about ‘slaying’, it might upset one of our number.
Sue
Thank you it would be an honour, mind you AD, your histories are so much better as you depict them, I will be the storyteller, if you will be the history teacher, as well as the Emperor of AD island, somewhere over the rainbow, Motherland, land of Galilee where Puff the magic dragon lives, apparently. (Think that 1 belongs on the ditty thread as well)
excellent tale tracey
there are a lot of similarities in our lives.
an other half who loves beer and takes the risk of angering the witch.
the witch (me) who could live on gin.
a sweet but evil pet (billy’s cat, george)
and a house that truly is a drop-out cum drop-in centre.
think i might see if i can be adopted.
c x
Think by the sound of it Carole, our respective other halves would happily put us us both up for adoption (bet you’ve got a dolly you put pins in too)!!! xx
I’d adopt either of you.
Doubt that I’d get approval from the adoption board though. Too much swearing and drinking. That’s me, not the sainted Mr Sssue.
Oh just thought, maybe the resident pet wouldn’t allow it either. Damn!
X