Sod the caravan. I need a five star hotel with bars and a sauna.
I’m not designed for “activity” holidays anymore.
I’m invading an island to set up a purpose built resort where there will be no caravans.
A.D.
After the invasion, I want my home to be equipped with two bathrooms, one of which is a wet room complete with shower seat. A motor caravan is fine for holidays but I wouldn’t want to live in one long term.
Oh Cheerful, there wont be any more caravan malarkey, trust me. We used to, many years ago, be members of the Caravan club, wait til you hear the rest of my saga, quite unbelievable, AD, I am certainly having a hotel, everything that’s going I’m having it. The site we went to was disabled friendly, supposedly. Mind you, the ‘man’ did resemble the one that was portrayed in Carry on Camping, the likeness was uncanny in more ways than 1.
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5* hotel for me too please. I want someone else to pour my drinks and provide me with food. No tin cans for me. However, the Tank could come in handy in the invasion. Assuming it makes it.
Imo, Mr Dc is lucky to still have a wife.
Sue
Mr Dc is lucky to still be alive Sue, I’m polishing the bricks.
wwwhhhhooooooo
But we all know what happened to Rome when Nero fiddled!
Pollsx
Oh dear…now waaaay back in time, we caravanned a lot. If you’re not sure if tow vehicle is up to pulling the weight of the tin can, then there’s a sum called summat like, a certain percentage and kerb side weight , will tell you the answer!
But I don’t think you care about that now, eh Trace?
Following our caravan holidays, and after the kids had flown the best, we upgraded to swanky motorhomes.
Arrival on site to kettle on time was literally 5 minutes! Caravan pitching and setting up took about an hour!
But no matter if you have an all singing all dancing Winnebago type motorhome, nowt on wheels can compare to a posh hotel…OR
A cruise!!!
My favourite type of holiday!
Pollsx
Ahem! Tracey! Oy!
I thought you said instalment 2 would be tomorrow. And that was yesterday. So today please.
I would like to read what happened next. I want the next chapter of Mr and Mrs DC with the Tank and the tin can on wheels.
And btw, who was taking care of Fez while all this was going on. I assume ferrets aren’t the kind of pet one takes on holiday.
If you can call this expedition a holiday.
Sue x
I will tell you more Sue, it’s such a bloody saga it will take a while, so I will be back shortly! x
Dear everyone, I apologise for the lack of the second instalment last night, our house is the village drop out, I mean, drop in centre, unfortunately, everyone in the universe thought last night might be a good time to call. I personally think it’s because we have a rather large beer fridge.
Back to the matter in hand. After the initial stand off with me & Mr Dc, we ate a hearty meal of crisps & digestives, washed down with 3 quarters of a bottle of Gin (I managed this all by myself, he had his own). I then settled down for a sleep (actually I passed out), no telly, candle light & no conversation was proving much too exciting.
I was awoken by the need to pee, luckily we had a key, kindly supplied by ‘the man’. I decided I might as well use the shower whilst I was there, I had used so much energy the night before with all the words I had used & made up, I was exhausted. Having gathered my wash items, Mr Dc (very subdued I will add) prepared himself to helping me to the showers (can has got 1, but it’s rather small). Arm in arm we approached what I can only describe as the building that was obviously used in the Cell block H tv series. Lovely it was, ominously looming in the black back drop of the moody sky, awe was not what I was feeling, horror is a far better description. Mr Dc’s look was a look of ‘shit, I’m dead’ almost my love, almost was I was thinking. Anyway, after the initial shock, I decided to give it a go, besides which I was on the point of p*****g myself.
The very handy key was used & we entered, I was overwhelmed! It was far worse than I had imagined, who would have thought it, if I wasn’t planning Mr Dc’s demise in my head, I would have cried. I released myself from my love’s arm, politely told him to 'f**k off & I would phone him to come & get me. On I went, nervously sussing out the disabled shower & toilet, so well described on the website (to be honest if I’d have peed on the floor, it would have gone unnoticed) being a little better behaved than that, I located my cubicle.
Upon entering I was immediately aware I was being watched, bugger it, by now I was bursting. Job done, time for shower. Plonking myself on the seat (no choice, my legs were by now not happy) I tried to locate the shower turny on, surprise! it was way above my head, I had to stand to push it on. The water had 3 temps, cold, very cold & f*****g freezing, by now I was beyond any emotion whats so ever, I carried on regardless, needless to say the shower only took me seconds, didn’t realise I could do it so quick. It was then, whilst trying to dry myself, our eyes met. His eight legs & many eyes were mesmorising, basically, was the bugger going to move towards me. My scream was stuck in my throat. Without taking my eyes off him I finished what I was doing, I was practically chewing my heart, I could have sworn he was winking at me, he was huge. Somehow I managed to manouver out of the cubicle (I’m being kind in my description) & summon the fat Ginger one to retrieve me. Couldn’t wait for tomorrow’s meeting with Herbert, really looking forward to it.
Now then, back to poor dead Tank. A call to Greenflag was made. 30 mins later he arrives, could have kissed him, no could have he was beautiful. Tank’s pulling days were over (this trip anyway) gearbox had disintergrated, tow truck on way & replacement vehicle, a Tank 2, bad news because of our location wouldn’t be immediate, well, not like I wasn’t expecting anymore bad luck was it? Nothing else for it, back to the fridge full of beer, (I did have digestives 1st) & sit it out. Luckily, ‘the man’ had loaned us a electric hook up so at least we had light, no food, but light. The day panned out much like the previous evening really, nibbles (I will never eat a digestive again), alcohol & passing out. Remember this is only the 1st day, to be continued…
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Forgot to say Sue, Fez was in the very capable hands of my daughter, who has another bed already set up for him in her house (we have dinner with them quite regularly) a home from home really. If I had been fore warned about our little trip, Fez would have been with us, he has a dog cage that has plenty room in it for travelling. I do insist on him coming with us usually, he even has the odd trip to the supermarket (no AD, he doesn’t go in the trolley) I know it’s naughty, but if we do manage to go somewhere on hols (preferably a cottage or like) I always look for ‘PET’ friendly, that description to me doesn’t necessarily mean a dog as such, does it? It’s a bit of a vague description of type of animal I think, not really deception. xx
dont you know Trace, that spiders are she and not he.
Other than that, I am speechless!
pollsx
It was a big bugger Poll, stuff of nightmares, I could see it was wearing Doc Martin boots it was that massive xx
Must`ve eaten a lot of men!
pollsx
I know 1 in particular I was happy to feed to it, would have been fed for quite a while xx
Hi Trace,
I’d like to buy the film rights.
A.D.
All yours AD.
Oh Tracey, fabulously awful, I bet flutterby’s chip shop van would have been so welcome
I so wouldn’t have wanted to be in Mr DCs boots. I noticed, he was your ‘love’ early on (maybe the gin goggles from the night before had something to do with it?) and ‘the fat ginger one’ by the end of the shower.
At least you had sufficient crisps and digestives and booze to keep you going.
Can’t wait for the next instalment.
(And very happy to know that Fez wasn’t left home alone or in less comfortable lodgings. In fact his accommodation was a tad finer than yours.)
Sue