When to tell that new special person you have ms

Ok so it’s early days but things r looking good and moving into our 5th date. I was asked by a friend “when r u going to tell him” to which I replied tell him what?, “that u have MS”. Do u know I forgot I had MS (one of the symptoms haha), but honestly I forget I have it as it doesn’t effect me. To look at me u wouldn’t know. I am starting dmd’s in a few week(refib). Ok as I said earlier how and when do I tell him. Really sweet guy get on so well and it looks very promising but scared to tell him. I know if he ends it then he really wasn’t “the one”, but I like what we have (only early days, an things going well,haven’t moved to the bed room even thou I wouldn’t mind but taking it slow haha)

This is not something I struggled with.

Age and expectation has a lot to do with that, but I told my new flame after a handful of dates.

Firstly, it’s only fair: don’t want someone to get deep with me and then feel like I’ve potentially hooked her into a life of caring for someone with a progressive disability.

Secondly, it’s a matter of self-respect: knowing that you’re holding a secret is mentally draining and probably induces inner shame.

Thirdly, it’s about the message you will have to deliver at some point: having delayed the reveal, are you not saying to new flame that you don’t trust him, that you are in the habit of stringing people along, and what else are you keeping up your sleeve?

£0.02

Mmmm, I guess you`ll get a variety of replies about this subject.

If your MS isnt visible or obvious, then id leave it a bit longer. See how things progress (including in the bedroom dept, when it happens). As you say, if this person does take to the hills once you do tell him, then he wasnt right afterall.

You`re enjoying your time together now, so carry on doing that, eh?

If it is worrying you, how he will react, then broach the subject and let him ask you about it.

Tricky, I know, but good luck.

luv Pollx

I am a great believer in being up front about it and tell as soon as possible. My reasoning behind this, is if someone cannot deal with it and you don’t see them again, you have not wasted much time on them. If you wait a while and you have invested your emotions and time on someone who runs, then it is far worse and makes you feel crap. But sweet, it is up to you to do it when you are comfortable xx

hiya

there isnt a right time. there also isnt a wrong one!

i dated someone from on here for 2 years-we wanted different things and dealt with things so differently-it was never going to work because we were too different.

someone i met online-tho never in person 4 years ago-asked me out this year. i didnt expect us to go anywhere! in general convo i mentioned ms 4 yrs ago-so he knew all along.

regulars to this board will know i have been struggling since june-all of right side and speech problems amongst other-in fact,my eyesight is perfect-most other things dont work or need help from equipment!

has he scarpered? no-actually hes one off the few folk that treat me just the same as he did in april/may.

we dont live together and have no intention of doing so. we are in touch daily via text-for me its enough just knowing that somebody truly cares without bombarding me with false concern. but everyone is diff. be honest in ur expectations of him/her and urself.

i hope it all works out for u. happiness is hard enough without ms,treasure it if u find it!

ellie x

Hi there,

ellie is right, there is no right or wrong time to say!.

ms doesn’t define you, you are still you as before it came along but it is a permanent part of you now and forever and would need support and consideration at the very least, from that special someone close in your life.

Even those of us with partners, established pertners before ms came along, could tell of perhaps issues from the partner on learning about the diagnosis and what it means for the road ahead.

Jools

X

I think you should tell him,for your sake as much as his,supposing you fall in love with him, then tell and he runs for the hills, you would be left devastated, i do think its best to be honest from the start,if hes worth having it wont make any difference.good luck .

Too late now, but personally I think before five dates! As soon as possible, but certainly not wait until you have a relapse, and it’s obvious something is wrong. He’ll wonder if you ever would have said anything, if fate hadn’t forced your hand.

Look at it the other way round: if he was the one with a serious health issue, how soon would you prefer to know? Not on a first date, perhaps, as it might not go well anyway, in which case no point having told someone you won’t be seeing again.

But once it’s clear you like each other, and dating looks set to continue, I’d say ASAP. If he’s the type that can’t hack it, then best for both of you to find out soon. I do agree that if he does a runner, then it wasn’t to be anyway.

The last date I went on, I told him before we’d even met - or at least, before we met as adults. He was an old classmate who’d emigrated.

He didn’t do a runner, but then again, it was never destined to culminate in marriage or a LTR anyway, as he lives in another country now. Sometimes there are other obstacles, besides someone having MS.

Tina

I actually posted something similar to this a while ago- in the sense that I asked the question of when you’re dating when do you tell that person. I got a lot of mixed responses and its definitely a personal thing. I would tend to say that most people said to tell someone after a few dates because it saves wasting time and getting hurt and also it’s a part of our lives so best to be upfront and honest about it. If he’s the right one then he will say that it doesn’t matter and if he can’t deal with it then he’s not the one and he’s not a strong enough person. The thing to remember is when you tell him and explain things, explain that right now you don’t really have many problems and it doesn’t affect you that much and he liked the person he met and that hasn’t changed you’re still the same person and that ms doesn’t define you but it is part of you. I hope this helps and hope you find the right time for you to tell him. I will keep my fingers crossed that it won’t make any difference to him and as you said if he’s the right one ms won’t make any difference! Keep us posted on things and I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you that you met a good one! K xx

Ok so I b upfront, but how do I break my news that is what I am finding hard to do. I’m trying to get my head around it and I’m not even sure if I could answer all his questions as I am not sure what the future holds for me. Advice much welcomed

Hiya

I told my other half pretty much straight away but I can’t actually remember how I did it (not much use to you I know). It was probably because I was wobbly or because I wasn’t working (still not able to). He was fine with it because I didn’t make a big deal and it was quite casual in the begining so it didn’t really make any difference to him, we went out on dates etc and just carried on seeing how things went. I think because he didn’t know anything about MS, he learned what it was from me and didn’t know me before so didn’t know any different, so it was pretty easy just to get on with things. That was 6 years ago and we’ve been living together for 4 years.

All I can say is be up front but try not to make too big a deal of doing it. After 5 dates he’s getting to know you and if he’s not noticed that there is anything wrong yet he’ll hopefully just take you as you are even after you’ve told him and not get worked up about it.

Good luck

Sue

x

Mine went like this, with some paraphrasing:

Date 3

Her: Hi, how’s you?

Me: Been better, been worse…

What’s up?

I’ve been having these back pains recently and some numbness. It’s a bit odd, never had this before.

You might have a trapped nerve

Yes, lots of people have said that to me. Anyway, I’ve been to the docs about it. I think there’s a whole range of possibilities, from trapped nerve through to wear & tear, multiple sclerosis and brain or spine tumours…

Oh no!

So I’ve had the scans and there’s no tumours, and now have to wait and see what the diagnosis is…

Date 4

Been to see the neurologist and looks like MS is definitely a possibility

What’s MS?

Well I’ve been doing a bit of digging on it, and here’s these 4 possibilities…

(cue flourishing of paper with the graphs of time versus disability etc etc)

I found this to be a gentle way of introducing the idea.

But your local mileage may vary.

Honestly…If it doesn’t affect you and you’re enjoying your time together I wouldn’t mention it right now.

As long as you don’t get married, buy a house and have children together before telling him, you’re good.

If you tell him and then in a few weeks/months you split, you may forever wonder if it was due to telling him, just easier to not make it an issue while it isn’t. He can’t catch it, cure it or help by knowing you have something that doesn’t currently affect you.

There are people who have benign MS and never suffer any problems…lucky buggers!

I.was going out with my husband…ms wasn’t part of game plan and it has definitely affected us both…I did say at there time and up to marriage…we were only seeing each other10 months at the time and like u u wudnt have known …i cried entire dye i was told and he was the first one i told…please tell as soon as u can.x

Do you share any friends or connections?. It would be horrible to hear it from someone else, apart from you.

Honesty at the start is best, after the first few dates. Just explain in easy terms ie: ’ I get a bit wobbly/tired at times, I have some scarring on the brain which effects my the nerves in my body but it’s not a worry (smile) and i’m really well and happy at the mo (big smile)’. Good luck with your relationship.

I will b going on my 5th date with him, oh I’m stuck I feel like I’m lying to him but friends say I don’t have to tell him yet, it’s my personal thing. Oh I don’t know what to do. I know if I leave it for ages that makes it look worse. But it’s just trying to break the news

Hi, I told my partner on our second date. I told him soon because I guess i needed him to know and accept it as part of me. When I told him I said how it affected me and that he should look it up and see what he thought. I also didn’t nake a huge deal out of it but was frank and honest. He had a brief look at stuff but really wasn’t phased. That was a year and a half ago and hes still here. As was said before, the ms doesn’t define you, you’re you and happen to have ms and you could not have ms and get hit by a bus and need caring for from a partner for the rest of your life.You could get anything. Ms will throw at you what it does but nothing is a certainty with it. And people are right, if he runs then he runs and youve lost nothing as he obviously wasnt worth sticking with anyways. Good luck though, i know its a bit scary. X