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Unrelated to MS just need some help/advice

Hello, I posted on here a while ago - back in October I had a bad and unexpected breakup. Myself and my partner broke up on a family holiday amidst lots of family rows between him and his family, some of which involved me (them talking about me behind my back and him telling me how they felt about me) which put us under a lot of pressure. I explained in my last post that neither of us really meant to break up but we continually argued and i stupidly said I could just go home…to which he agreed I should. He told me to go, I got very upset (in hindsight Id say it was a panic attack)…his parents sat me down, called him, he said he wanted me gone, so I panicked and booked a flight. Once he got back he said he hadnt really meant it and I said I didnt want to go I just hadnt known what to do. He said that because Id booked it i had go go…as did his Mum who said I now had no choice I had to go as he wokd never forgive me for booking it. His parents took me to the airport but wouldnt let me partner come, and at the airport they asked me for my joint act card so that I couldn’t take anything. It was an awful experience. When i got home I couldnt get back in my flat so I had to live with my friend for tso months. His family boxed up what they wanted to give me back and drove it to my parents whilst I was at work. Ive lost a lot of big possessions such as sofa etc. We are not on good terms at all now. Im back home, I have a new job, new friends…my nan also recently pasded away and we were really close…my whole life has changed and Im finding it really overwhelming. I thought in time that I wojld get used to it…but Im not. I also feel a tremendous amount of guilt for the way i dealt with everything. Had i calmed down and not worried so much about what his family had said about me etc I dont think any of it would have happened. He said I should never have suggested going home…at that point I never ever thought I actually would, I just felt everything I did was wrong and it was tiring. Will i ever get over the guilt? It keeps me awake at night. I go over it all constantly…I feel like I dont deserve to be happy because I made such a mess of our lives. Obviously I have MS (Im 27 and have had it for 10 years) and Im worried that Ill have a relapse if I carry on like I am. Ive been feeling numbness in my hands recently. I just dont know if or how Ill get past these feelings of regret. Any help would be hugely appreciated in a tough time

Hey, Heart21 HUGE ((((HUGS)))) to you for opening up. You actually did the right thing in leaving. His parents ensured you got to the airport & made sure you received basic stuff of yours. Had you stayed and continued living within their poison towards you, there could have been serious consequences on your own health.

You are a lot stronger than you think, you will find support and a good life free of vitriolic comments. You deserve respect, particularly self respect and it’s within your reach when you’re ready.

I admire your decision not to put up with verbal abuse, manipulation and their attempts at putting blame on you.

You are BLAMELESS! None of this is or ever was your fault. You did the right thing!

I’ve sent you a private message which I hope will help you. Take care

Chrissie xx

Hi chrissie thanks so much for your reply it really helped. O I cant see a private message but thanks for being so kind I needed that xxxx

Hi Chrissie,

get your middle finger and stick it right up in the air at all of them and tell them go swivel. You did nothing wrong and you cowardly ex boyfriend needs to grow a pair and give his head a wobble. You go out kid and enjoy your life you’ll find a a better bloke than that.

pete

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What on earth are you feeling guilty about - you certainly shouldn’t be blaming yourself. Focus on your partners parents - especially his mother - it seem they were very much in control of things including your partner. Do you think they wanted you out of their sons life - very willing to drive you to the airport - to return your things etc. Think carefully about this question - have his parents bullied you? Would there be any point in you seeing your ex-partner without his parents around to find out what he really wants. If he wants to keep seeing you it wont work if he’s still tied to his mothers apron strings - he has to break away/move away. You have behaved with dignity and have nothing, absolutely nothing to reproach yourself for.

We have spoken…we both said we forgive each other but he saod he cant go back because of his parents (he wouldnt want to go against them). Its all a mess and i just feel like if Id been stronger at the time and not let things get so out of hand or so upset, none of this would have happened. I do think his parents were domineering especially his mum…they controlled me and hm and I found it suffocating. I think they caused a lot of problems and then watched as we crumbled…I do think they maybe wanted me to go. When i was panicking and said i felt I should go as Id upset people and my oartner had told me to go his mum said well neither of you are happy. She also said she thought it was for th3 best though it was hard. And she told me that he had called her in the summer about us having problems and she had told him not to stay with my bevause of money as she would sort him out. It just got me feeling in more of a state and really small… I wish i hadnt left but I made the mistake of booking it and then i wasnt allowed to not go :frowning: Ita all just horrible

Now this is going to be harsh, but I’m not going to apologise for it. If he loved you or felt anything for you,you’d be together now. It’s that simple. His mother hasn’t been able to cut the apron strings and he seems to like it that way. You are 27 years old. It’s time to take control of your life and your finances. Look after yourself. You will know that ms and stress don’t make good partners. Be assertive. Get help from a councillor, bank manager, employer,wherever you feel you need it most. Nobody is going to love you and look after you as much as yourself. Look into the mirror and tell yourself how important you and your health are. Then act on it!

Oooh, I agree with Poppy.

Heart21, yes it is a horrible situation for you NOW, but believe me & the others, YOU HAVE HAD A LUCKY ESCAPE!o

Your ex partner let his mummy drive you to the airport, he knew you, a lady with a disability, were locked out and would be homeless! He’d have stopped you leaving if he wanted to. He simply doesn’t care enough. I know that’s harsh, but true.

Please put everything in writing & keep copies. Do not feel bad about saying you wanted to leave, or wish your behaved better. THEY MADE IT HAPPEN!

Find your fight, you are STRONG, you show it every day in your battle with MS.

Thank goodness you left. They are to blame for control & manipulation, but you are now free to do what you want, go where you want & see who you want, whenever you want. None of them judging you.

I wish you every success hon, and I’m sure everyone on this website does too. Take care of YOU, you’re the most important.

Chrissie x

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[quote=“Drummer boy”] I think Pete’s post was meant for Heart21 so I, (Chrissie) have amended it. Cheers to Pete though, for such fab advice.

Hi Heart21

Get your middle finger and stick it right up in the air at all of them and tell them go swivel. You did nothing wrong and you cowardly ex boyfriend needs to grow a pair and give his head a wobble. You go out kid and enjoy your life you’ll find a a better bloke than that.

pete

[/quote]

dear heart i agree wholeheartedly with what chrissie and krakowian said. you have had a very lucky escape which is more than your ex has had. he is tied to the apron strings of a very domineering mother. when he looks back on what happened he ought to feel ashamed for behaving like a weak, snivelling baby. they have all bullied you, thinking you are easy prey because you have ms. idiots! you have more strength in your little finger than they have in their whole able bodies. now you can take control of your life. it won’t be easy but very much worth it. just imagine how much worse it would be if you’d been married! at your age a relationship should be about living the dream. well you go and live the dream away from that awful family. take care xx

I suspect the mother is wanting to domineer her son and hang on to him at any cost. I think that would be the case with any girl friend your son may have. If there’s a future for you, your boyfriend (who is also a victim here) has to cut ties with his family - move away?? - even if it upsets his mother or makes her ill. One thing is very clear and that is you are absolutely not to blame for anything that has gone on.

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Well, you can have a proper holiday now! Somewhere that you choose without anyone if you want, doing what you want to do. Without any relatives or people you don’t want to go on holiday with!! It can be Llandudno or Lanzorote or anywhere, choice is a wonderful thing. If you are a bit short on the reddies, just get the books and look at all the pretty places then at some point, just go. They sound like a right bunch. Cut the string, get rid, feel relieved, start again. Get ready to enjoy some nice things without them being spoilt.

Thanka for your help ans asvice everyone. I am very sad - I made the decision to book a flight in a panic after various argumwnrs ans having been told to leave. I didnt want to go in the end- and I didnt want our relationshio to end. I miss my partner and our life together everyday. I just hope it gets easier as time passes and i hope that one day it all nakes sense. Thanks for your help xx

You are not to blame - they tried a bluff to control you and you called their bluff!

The fella? That is simple - he has to choose between you and them. And, if he cannot choose now, this would have happened sooner or later anyway.

Look at it this way, you can get on with your life without interference. Just don’t leap at the first guy who smiles at you. If someone really wants you as a part of his life, he wil work to get that result - and you wil make the decision!

You have had some great advice in this thread - take it on board.

Geoff

I agree entirely. His mother sounds toxic and I for one wouldn’t like to spend time with that family. Best of luck,

Moira

Keep looking back at these posts as I am still struggling a lot to cope with and deal with my feelings. I visited my friend from my old area (where I lived with partner) today and it was so tough. I really miss it. I still can’t cope with my own feelings of guilt and regret. When I got home two days earlier than my partner but I didnt text him to say sorry or anything until he was back home as I was worried about what his family would say and say to him if i did. He really held that against me after as he said I just abandoned him on holiday. We dont talk now at all. Im just not sure how ill ever get over it all. I just dont feel like me anymore :frowning: i guess its just the fact that there are so many what ifs and so much Id do differently and wush he had. And wishing we had tried to work through it. We used to say we missed each other and apologise and I would say “if we both feel like this can we not just work this out” but he said no so many times I guess I kind of gave up. Maybe it was too early, maybe I didnt try hard enough. It’s all just such a shame. Thanks again for all your help though. I come back to thia forum post whenever I get low and it does help xx

Hi All. Just thought I’d drop in again. Was doing really well but have taken a few steps backwards recently. I spoke to my ex and he said he would never get over me, and it brought it all back (I should note that when I suggested we sit and talk, because we never really got to, he said no, that’s it’s done now, and that we are 7 months down the line and nothing can be resolved). I started going over the holiday and what happened and what I did all over again. I developed some anxiety when everything happened which started to disappear but has returned with a vengeance. I’ve now also got blurry vision in one eye (I’ve had optic neuritis twice before) and feel fatigued beyond words.

I will get past this won’t I? I seem to fall in to these holes of really blaming myself for everything and feeling full of regret. Honestly, I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy - look what a mess I caused. Almost feel like I’m punishing myself because I don’t feel worthy of moving on with my life and finding some sort of peace x