Forum

Breakup

I need to emotionally off load what I am going through right now.

On the 1st of December, I discovered that my husband of 25 years, partner of 34 years, has been unfaithful to me. The discovery was made by our 21year old daughter, who is devastated by its content, as is our eldest daughter who is 23. MS has been part of our family for almost fifteen years, our girls have grown up with it, they have been amazing support to their dad. I have tried to be an enabler to my husband, who has had good times and very bad ones due to his progressive diagnosis.

The nature of his unfaithfulness has broken my heart, I am struggling to come to terms with the devastation this has caused, it has ripped a gaping hole in our family. We have decided to part, my husband discussed this with his M& team, their response upset me, as they stated ’ MS is a difficult diagnosis for relationships to cope with.’ I want to shout from the roof top, ‘we have not struggled with this’, every decision we make, takes into account our family member ‘MS’

My mother in law has subjected our daughters and myself to the hight of abuse stating, ‘anything he has done is your fault’, and she has expressed many unforgivable home truths, about what she has always though of us. This has only added to my distress.

I want to point out that not all breakups are due to the fact that partners can’t come to terms with a diagnosis, sometimes we are the ones who are hurt the most.

Thank you for this precious space to express myself, as I am feeling isolated and lonely right now x

You are so right about people making lazy assumptions (like your OH’s MS team’s - although it is worth remembering that they will have had a rather partial version of the story…) - I am guilty too, having assumed at the start of your post that you were the one with MS being betrayed by your healthy spouse! That being, as you point out, the story we are all used to hearing. So I can see what you’re up against! But you know the real story and so do your daughters, and I’m afraid you are just going to have to put your waggons in a circle and tough this out as best you can, paying as little attention as you can manage to nonsense thrown at you by people who either know damned all about it or who have their own burdens to bear and axes to grind and are hurling their pain in your direction. And that is very hard because we are all social animals and acutely conscious of how we think others see us. But sometimes ignoring other people’s nonsense is the only way to survive and stay sane, so don’t be afraid to do it. That might involve growing a thicker skin than you find comfortable - for a while at least. Never mind: do what you need to do to survive. Good luck with it all. Alison

Thanks Alison,

It’s kind of you to acknowledge y difficulties, i agree with the need for a ‘thicker skin’, a long journey ahead I have, but nice to have people to share the journey with,

Elaine

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Perhaps your husband didn’t want all the support/care/enabling that you and your family gave him.

That would seem true, he obviously didn’t want the support, it’s a shame it has taken him 15 years to decide this!

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I think we all should remember that having MS doesn’t stop us from being people. At times, selfish, uncaring, thoughtless, ungrateful, faithless gits. I hope you and your daughters can support each other through the testing times ahead of you. Regardless of health issues, and irrespective of faults, the ending of a long relationship is sad. And it will be hard on you all, perhaps most of all your daughters. Sue

Hi Elaine,

I was struck by your mother-in-law’s comment, ‘anything he has done is your fault’. This attitude is pitiful. Does this woman not believe that her son has any responsibility for his own behaviour? How long has she know about the affair?

Your comment “The discovery was made by our 21 year old daughter,” makes it sound as if your husband didn’t intend for his adultery to be found out. A case of having his cake and eating it?

What your relationship has to do with his MS team is beyond me, which probably accounts for their pithy response. I doubt if they want to be involved in having to take sides. They will know how much support you have given him over the years.

You can now take all the care and support you, as a family, gave to your husband and invest in caring for each other; you and your daughters. I think you’ll do very well.

And I hope that you will feel welcome to use this Forum for as long as you need. Isolation and loneliness are banished from this realm.

Best wishes,

Anthony

Thanks Sue x

Thanks Anthony for your kind words, I’m so pleased I’ve found this lovely support network x