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Really really struggling. Please help.

I met my partner in 2013, 6 months before diagnosis. He decided to stick with me. My condition worsened fairly quickly. My walking is bad now and I’m about to get a wheelchair. Added to the eyesight problems, the balance, the fatigue, the dexterity loss, the muscle weakness, the incontinence etc etc etc and it’s not a great picture. But it was ok because I had him. We split up a couple of weeks ago. We are still living together until our tenancy runs out in October. He’s already got somewhere to live. The only place I have to go is Devon where I grew up and have some family and friends. I am trying to relocate my job and find somewhere to live. I am devastated about the break up but feel I’m not really facing it because I see him every day. The homeless issue is more pressing. I applied for a council house and was put into Band D because I have ‘no medical need’ for a house, so I got a doctor’s letter and am appealing that. Work are being losers about my transfer. Everything seems hideous. I have no idea what the hell I’m going to do. I am really struggling to stay afloat and feel suicidal and helpless. It doesn’t help that my ex is clearly happy about this. I know this needs to stop - I am taking a lot of drugs to ease the pain, both prescription and otherwise, and I know it’s not helping. I feel completely overwhelmed by the whole situation and really really want a break or just something positive to happen. Whinge over, sorry folks ‘ease’ three pain

Hi tingly

No need to apologise, it’s a rubbish situation you’re in. Most people find being in limbo difficult, and there are a lot of things that are in limbo for you. So don’t beat yourself up for struggling or feeling low. Do you have friends or family you could talk to about how you feel and could help you process things? Or maybe counselling would help (ask your GP to refer you for one). Call the MS Society helpline on 0808 800 8000, they should understand and help support you.

Human beings are incredibly resilient, and you can get through this and even grow stronger because of it. Decide each day to make positive, proactive choices (but don’t criticise yourself if you don’t sometimes). Every day write a list of things you’re thankful for. Fake smile for a couple minutes throughout the day (our brains can’t tell the difference between a genuine smile and a fake one, so will still release happy chemicals). Ask your GP for antidepressants. And post on here as much as you need to.

Dan

i’m so very sorry for the heap of cow dung that has landed in your life. however, as Dan said, you are stronger than you realise at the moment. also the fake smiles is absolutely correct. i heard my husband saying i always look miserable, tutting and rolling of eyes, then i caught sight of myself and realised that it was true. so i practised my smile (sad, huh?) and i could really feel my facial muscles having a work out. the fact that you have family and friends in Devon is a positive - tick. give yourself a tick for every positive thought or deed. just a glimpse of a blue sky is one. catching sight of animals being loved and loving is another. research the work situation in Devon. are you willing to try a different occupation. you are right at rock bottom which is bad. the only way now is up which is good. making plans doesn’t feel right because of all the turmoil but it is pro-active (again picking up on Dan’s comment). please don’t give up, there is a lot to do. let us know how you get on. sending a huge wave of love carole x

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,

You should have at least a band silver. write your letter to the council with the letter from the GP and explain you have MS it is progressing and because of personal issues you need to go back to your family. I got band silver and i had a home which i had to sell. I had no problem getting it. ALSO if your going into a wheelchair did you get assessed by the occupational therapist as you need to make sure its comfortable, and is it electric. the OT will also help you with your move application ok.

have you applied for PIP if not then do so. ALSO ring your adult social service help line and explain to them, when i did after loosing my husband suddenly to death, they helped me sort out my application as well.

I had to move from a 3 bed after loosing the love of my life to a 1 bed sheltered and yes it was hard and i had terrible dark days but i got through it as dan said you will honestly.

I am just so sorry it didnt work for you, but what will be will be, it wasnt obviously your time. cant you stay where you are? If you can afford it, or try for housing benefits your disabled right? with MS, surely there is financial help for you.

anyway you need to get OT on side too, i am sure you wll get your banding hun. you could get your family to write to council too and support your move and say they dont have room for you but will be there to help. You mention family to council and they think you can live with them.

I am sure you will find something, and you will move its just all the rubbish in between which is hard. BUT you can do it. DEVON oh how i would love to move down that way its so pretty. I feel for you really, but believe me honestly it hurts like hell at the moment and you want to shove your head under your duvet and stay there but it really does get better but it takes time. This time next year you will be settled and who knows maybe you may have met some nice devon lad lol. xxxxxx

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Hello

What a cr@ppy situation. No wonder you feel so low. To be honest, in the same situation an able bodied person would feel terrible, so to have MS which seems to be progressing as well, it’s no wonder you’re feeling so dreadful.

There’s so little I can say that’s not already been said by others. But just know that you can and will survive this. Once you have the logistics sorted (house move plus job sorted), it’s likely that you’ll feel a lot happier.

In your shoes (in your wheelchair!), I’d be keen on trying to get the house move sorted sooner than October if possible. Let your ex take care of the rent if possible. After all, he’s happy and you’re not. It must be so difficult to be still living together just waiting for the final end.

You say you have friends and family in Devon, can anyone help you with the move?

I’d definitely appeal against the council house band you’ve been put in. Surely as a disabled applicant you should be higher up the list? Having family local should be helpful, but just for once, having a disability can help you.

I wish you all the best of luck with the trials you are suffering at the moment. Believe me, they will pass and you’ll be happy again. Don’t ever apologise for whinging, you really do deserve a good old moan. Shout, stamp your feet, yell ‘it’s not fair’, swear. We’ll listen and empathise with you.

Sue x

Thanks everyone, The roof over my head is the most important thing right now. If it comes to it I can go off long term sick. I can’t afford to stay here, much as I love my bungalow it costs more than I earn to live here and there are far too many memories. I have no family or friends here either. I’m sure everything will work out

Hi there,

Please don’t hesitate to pour out your fears and frustrations here. It’s what the forum is for, and it’s what we’re here for too. We can be a sounding board for the thoughts that you’re trying to sort out and that will help you to make good decisions.

When things threaten to overwhelm you it’s a good idea to write down a list of your concerns.

  1. Home

  2. Job

  3. Dump the little git

etc. It helps to keep things in perspective and your tackle one thing at a time. The biggest danger is to leave everything in your head where they get jumbled up and confused.

Stick with us and we’ll tackle all this together.

With best wishes,

Anthony

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Hi sorry you are having to cope with all this just now.The main thing as you say is a roof over your head.Please get in touch with your local MP,you can google who they are and get their email address.You can then email them and tell them about your housing situation and that you have MS and they should be able to help.We emailed our local MP when my daughter was in the same situation as you were and they helped her get a council house,a lot quicker than she would have done.Good luck.

To ask a very blunt question - why hasn’t a relative/friend living in Devon offered to help you? Are they aware of your present situation?

My brothers have offered to help me move. My parents are worse than useless. They have not supported me at all since I got diagnosed. They are dead to me. My friend has said I can have her spare room which, along with the bathroom, is upstairs, and therefore inaccessible to me

Never used these forums b4 but thought I’d giv it a go and vent out some frustration since I’m having another sleepless night. Been living with this curse from god now for bout 5-6 years (not quite sure as time doesn’t really seem to exist anymore). Girlfriend of 14 yrs has left me. Used to work on back of dust carts emptying an average of 1800 bins a day while walkin roughly 16 miles a day and would do bit of weight training 3-4 times a week. I got plenty of exercise throughout my daily routine. Healthy body healthy mind my a***. Now I’m housebound smoking weed all day just to stay sane. (ill prob get kicked off for sayin that-who cares). Confidence, self esteem, dignity, pride-GONE. I am living with parents so at least som1 around in the evenings to talk too and take mind of things. However the depression seems to hav built up som momentum and I jus feel so s**+

Hi

I don’t think you’ve said anything in your post that’s not been said before. So I doubt you’ll get ‘moderated’ (where they delete bad words or trade names etc) and you wouldn’t be banned from the site unless it was really dreadful!

I’m sorry you’re feeling like cr@p. It is a sod, MS. Kicks us when we’re down. And it does ruin any kind of fitness that we ever laid claim to. When you’ve done a really physical job and been very fit, it’s possibly worse than if you’ve done a desk bound job and were always a bit of a wimp (like me!)

Being chucked has got to hurt too. So if you’re now girlfriend-less, living with parents, not working, getting more unfit and just smoking your days away it is clear that your life is depressing.

Are you on a disease modifying drug (DMD)? Or are you progressive (ie primary or secondary progressive)? Do you have any help from physiotherapists? Perhaps you could try and get some physio, it might be possible to get a bit fitter? Is there an MS centre anywhere near to you? If you had a look on the Get Involved tab at the top of this page, there’s a box near the bottom that will show if there are any groups or centres near to you.

Keep talking to us anyway, we’re not too serious all the time although we do try and support each other through the bad times as well as the (rare) good!

You might want to start a new thread next time - just hit the tab marked New Thread, give it a title and just write what you feel. Avoid obvious swearing (gets you ‘modded’), but don’t worry about the content too much.

Best of luck.

Sue

Hi,

I’ve been saying that for years.

That when MS comes along your confidence, self esteem and, especially, dignity disappear. It’s like someone pulled the plug on your bath and you’re left in an empty tub, naked and cold.

It’s a good thing you found this forum. You’ll meet a lot of people who feel the same way. And you can let it all out without being made to feel cold and naked. As Sue says, we do try and support each other through the bad times as well as the good.

Just one suggestion. Have you told your GP how you are feeling? There are medications that help with depression and you’ll get them for free.

With my best wishes.

Anthony

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Hello T badger. I can’t really add to the good advice you’ve received but I can relate to your problems. My wife left 3 years ago and I had to move. The problems snowballed but I’m still kicking-with my good foot. I now live independently in my wheelchair. It took planning and patience but it worked.

Best wishes, Steve

Hi Tingly_badger,

Really sorry to hear how your misery has been piled on to misery, really rough for you. However, take heart, you will find a way through this and it is worthwhile being as organised as possible regarding applying for appropriate social housing.

There are a few things you may wish to consider when looking at your housing application:

  1. Firstly, find out if the Council actually still own the social housing stock or whether (as in many/most cases) this function has now shifted to a Housing Trust or Association who are independent of the council but still have links with them.

  2. Information is key: get to know how the rehousing process works. There are often different processes used by the multitude of local authorities and housing associations but often there variations on a theme. So who has control of the housing stock? Who is able to make offers and make the final decision? Contact a housing officer, usually at a district council if the council is not a Unitary Authority. Also, housing associations often have there own housing/letting staff with a disability focus, worth finding out some contact numbers. Which area of Devon?

  3. You would do well for a report that not only identifies your medical condition but also highlights the key areas of functional impact e.g. access to bathing and toileting facilities; wheelchair access to and from property and within the home, if necessary, ability to use stairs, consider parking requirements if you drive.

  4. Just a note of caution, make sure you don’t make your requirements so niche and narrow you don’t end up with any offers of appropriate properties and you also need to find out the process for adapting a property to meet your needs. e.g. would a housing association offer a property if it wasn’t 100% ideal but could adapt it once you are in or before you move in?

I know it’s a lot to consider but being methodical in your approach would help you and give you some sense of control back, which would help to knock back that feeling of being overwhelmed too.

All the best

Richard V.

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This sounds like excellent advice from someone who knows how social housing works. I would read this post carefully and follow up as Richard V suggests. Nice one Richard.

Sue