I can relate to many of the things you’re feeling - I’ve had them, and can still have them. As time goes on though I’m starting to learn that there’s always hope - even if a situation may not change, the way I look at it may. I heard a song years ago with the line ‘Everything’s going to be OK, but only when you’re definition of OK’s been re-defined.’, and that’s something I can definitely relate to. I had a time when I was in absolute pits of despair, unable to walk, unable to work, single, wanting to die. Since then I’ve started working again, I got married, I learnt to drive using hand controls, I raised over £1600 for the MS Society by jumping out of a plane… I’m much better at knowing myself and what my needs & wants are, and looking at how I could achieve them instead of only seeing the things I can’t do. I’m not always able to do that of course, not by a long way. But I am learning.
Something you may find reassuring is knowing about the stages of grief (google it to find out more) - things like denial, anger, depression. It’s not surprising that we may find ourselves grieving our old lives. But when you’re in one of the stages it’s easy to think that’s all you’ll ever feel, but it is a journey you move through, and the final stage if acceptance, and that’s when you’re more able to take control and move on with your life.
A little exercise I sometimes do that helps me is to do a little review at the end of the day. I think back over the day amd notice the things that energised me, that I enjoyed, where I felt like I was being me, or that felt like they were good for my soul somehow. And I also do it for the opposite things - the things that de-energised me, where I felt empty somehow or where I wasn’t being me. As I’ve done that over time I’ve noticed similar things come up on both sides, so I know now to try &remember to choose the things that energised me, and if possible not do the things that drained me. So for exampe, I know that watching mindless telly all evening will leave me feeling a bit empty & frustrated. But if I do some writing, I feel much more alive. So given a free couple if hours in an evening, it’s more obvious what sort of thing I should do.
On a more practical note, I reckon it’s worth speaking to something like Citizen’s Advice to find out what help & support is available for you.
I’ve waffled on for far too long, but I hope you found some of that helpful.