I met the man of my dreams and found out he has MS. I was absolutely okay with that and didn’t even bother me one bit. I love him so much that no matter what disability he could have I will be there for him. Everything was going amazing, we talked about the future all the time. He wanted to spend every awakening moment with me. Talked about buying a home , moving in, marriage, kids and etc. next day he just suddenly decided to break up.
Oh dear…didnt he give you a reason?
We had a conversation yesterday and he stated that he wants to figure himself out and that he wants me to be happy. He wants to take 100% control over his schedule and that he doesn’t want me to wait for him cause it’s not fair me for nor does he want that hanging over his head. I said to him that’s the decision he gets to make for me. I’m an adult and if he needs space to figure out whatever it is he can and I will wait. He started having flare ups and has been more exhausted. He says he’s the happiest when he’s with me but he just can’t right now. I keep wondering if I’m being irrational for telling him that I will wait of I should just let him go. Is it going to be ragular to keep pushing me off every time he has a flare up.
Hey, sorry to hear of your breakup. He is probably suffering a little with the news of having MS and doesn’t want to burden you or anyone. In time he will be able to talk. Take care
It does sound as though he is feeling a bit overwhelmed, and needs some space. You are right that he cannot make your decisions for you, but that cuts both ways: you can’t make his decisions for him either. Seems to me that a bit of time and space to take the heat out of the situation might help you both to sit down again, having both had a chance to reflect, and review how you both feel. Good luck.
I agree with number 8 and Alison.
It is a shocker of a diagnosis to come to terms with.
I’m fairly sure that he will come round to talking again but for both your sakes please give him the space to come to terms with it all,
Having been with my husband for 20 years I told him that if he wanted to run for the hills then he could and should do so.
The look on his face said it all - don’t be daft, I’m going nowhere!
wishing you both well
Give him the time and space he needs…if he wants you, the ball is in his court, as they say.
Sorry to hear this. However, have to agree with all above. Also. When I was you ger. Engaged to be married. My fiance ran off. No explanation. Nothing. It hurt. Not knowing. Someone said to me. If it is meant to be it will be. So true. I know you are hurting. It does get better. It will get better. But please. Don’t hang around waiting for him. Live your life. Let him live his. Hope this helps. Sending hugs. Anne x
Is it not possible that he does really love you and want you but it being a martyr and letting you go, but hoping that you want to stay? Or maybe he can’t bear for the one he lives to see him the way he is. Im married and have thought to myself about leaving my wife so I’m not a burden on her… Your bf could be thinking the same thing. Pushing you away. Only you will know. Maybe not even you. Maybe the best thing would be to ask for a break of a couple of months… And if you still want him at the end of the break, then tell him you won’t be pushed away.
But you should care a lot about the fact your boyfriend has m .s
If you say that his m.s. doesn’t ‘bother you one bit’ it may suggest to him that you don’t know much about the difficulties which may arise with living with someone who has m.s.
It may be that, for the moment, he needs to be in total control and feeling responsible only for his own feelings whilst he comes to terms with how his MS is likely to impact on his role in relationships in the longer term. Perhaps he needs to be alone in order to think all that through.
Bear in mind that he will already have researched what MS might mean for him in years to come, and the fact that you have said it doesn’t bother you at all might come across as you sounding a little naive about it. He might therefore be reluctant to committ to you because he is scared to take the risk of loving you and losing you.
It would be a good idea to learn what you can about how MS can affect someone, so that you can show him you are thinking things through and deciding whether you are willing to travel that journey with him?
Having flare ups, or relapses, is awful. Everytime one happens you wonder whether what’s affected will be permanent. Whether there will be another one along soon. Whether it will force you to change the way you live your life.
Give him some time, learn what you can about MS, maybe back off from the romantic side of things and just be a friend for him.
I’ve been married 20 years and my husband finds it really hard to deal with sometimes - mostly because I find it hard to accept his help and feel like I’m not the wife he deserves! Sometimes, he just leaves me be for a day or two, and I come around in my own time when I feel ready to talk about things.
I hope it turns out well for you x
What wonderful feedback from everyone. I absolutely appreciate you sharing your stories and experiences with me. I have done extensive research on MS and I’m sorry if I have come across sounding naive. I have given him his space. I have also let him know that I will wait for him. See, life is so unpredictable that tomorrow I can wake up and have my own long term disability. To me, your disability doesn’t define you. I am absolutely in love with his soul. I am willing to wait, wether he is willing to accept me that’s his decision. He’s known and has been going through relapses for years. He knew very well what he was getting himself into with me. What made him change his mind I don’t know. What is meant to be, will be.
I agree. I think sadly a star cross lover who maybe came over with a mission was too scary. You can love too much. He may have felt ANON was too over board with all the i dont care about you having MS etc. living in a dream.
The reality is one day as a partner you may have to clean up poop and wee in the bed, help someone whoh has got stuck in the bath because of the heat, pick someone off the floor, take a loved one to hospital when they wake up with no memory. Having MS for a lot of people is challenging but i think its way more challenging for the partner who doesnt have it.
I think this guy got scared he would have his life taken over and fussed over. I couldnt bear that myself.
Let him go. But just say to him, i am hear if you ever need me ok. leave the lines of communication open, but you have no idea what you are about to face, and he is being the bigger person here. some men cant do SUFFOCATION. He needs to feel he can still do things himself, otherwise he will loose himself and his independents. He is scared for his own future and right now doesnt have the energy to support yours too.
Leave him if you both love each other truly you will find your way back to each other, but for now the kindest thing is to let him go.
I think that maybe saying you will wait for him is almost a kind of pressure … he’s going to feel bad about you waiting and feel that he must come to a decision. He may not be able to make that decision anymore, I don’t know.
It sounds very difficult and painful for you but all I can say is that from my own experience, had I been unmarried/not cohabiting and having relapses etc, I would probably have made different choices in life.
He might be terrified that one day you will feel sorry for him, or see him as someone to look after rather than as a lover.
I do hope that he might feel able to explain things to you once he has had some time, so that you can either move forwards together, or not as the case may be
I’ve had it for years and sometimes I feel like I haven’t truly dealt with all it means. Most of the time I’m just putting on a brave face…have done that since before my MS Diagnosis so it’s nothing new. Sometimes something happens or I see/read something and it just hits me hard. Maybe I was just having a bad MS day? I may have struggled with emotional, psychological and physical things both MS related and none MS related and a certain thing triggers something and it just hit me in the face.
Some people can live for years without truly accepting their diagnosis. Even when they’ve read it all of what it could mean, Experinced some symptoms and think they have accepted. MS is not an easy thing to live with. I don’t/haven’t mentioned this to anyone but I frequently find myself angry, fearful and know I have some denial issues. I’ve always put on a brave face and when I was diagnosed I atually felt quite good. Relieved I wasn’t imagining things.
Even with equality it’s often viewed that a man should support their partner. Yes it’s sexist and out dated but it’s still the way a lot of people look at life. That view can be hard for a guy to deal with when they might not be able to cook, clean, eat and wipe their own backside in the future let alone financially support a partner. It sucks and not all women would feel that way. It can be rather uncomfortable to think about let alone talk about with someone who may need to all that. It can just be easier to keep some distance. Denial. Maybe not the healthiest choice but when does anyone always do the healthiest things?
i AM going to be brutally honest here. I think he is making an excuse to break up and making you feel bad about it. He isnt being honest with you. I would never give my love to a persons soul who couldnt be honest with me.
I met my soul mate 30 years ago when i was in my forties. I didnt have MS then and he was healthy too. He actually got sick before me with COPD. Challenging for sure as he would not stop smoking. Anyway overtime we feel deeply in love with each other borne on mutual respect. I never thought about the challenges of his COPD to him or myself. we just wanted to be with each other.
then i got hit with what turned out to be progressive MS. So both of us faced challenges together. but we were together then. It was hard work. sometimes my MS would trigger an anger i never realised i had, how he didnt get fed up of me i have no idea. lol.
we stopped having sex as he couldnt breath, but i accepted that as i was with him first as friend, then a lover.
we had a lovely time together both enjoy each other and hobbies together. 30 wonderful years. But we never lied to one another about our feelings. i trusted him completely.
You havent accepted this break up. You will wait for him, why? He doesnt want to be with you and he has made it clear to you. To say I WILL WAIT FOR YOU, must be so pressurising. DONT wait for him. he doesnt want to be with you. If he did he could have easily have said, i need a break hun, let me get my head around things, but no he was honest and said i want to break up.
If you love him so much then let him go. as the saying goes you will wait until hell freezes over as this guy has gone out of your life, only you are keeping it alive.
Yes it is his decision but you havent accepted it. No what is meant to be is you two parted.
I think personally you are in shock and grieving. Its very hard to let go of someone when they dont want to be with you but equally way more harder when they die and leave you bereft.
grieve yes, but dont waste too much of your life doing so, you obviously havent met your real soul mate yet. You will if you open your eyes.
hugs. I know your hurting. but hurting will pass. xx
I agree. No point in my reiterating Crazy Chicks points but it’s what I’ve been thinking as I’ve read the various opinions of your situation.
I’m very sorry that you are hurting this badly. It always hurts when we are rejected. But I believe you need to let go.
If it is meant to be, then he will come and find you, thus you don’t need to ‘wait’. If he doesn’t come and find you, then you may have wasted goodness knows how long waiting, denying yourself the chance to heal and move on.
I told myself this about my son’s father … that if I waited, he would come around. He never did. Eventually I had to face the fact that he just didn’t want to be with us. It was bloody hard, devastating in fact because we had a child. I had convinced myself that because we had a child, we had an unbreakable bond. He saw it as an accident of biology that scared him to death!
I allowed myself to move on, and 2 years later met my wonderful husband, with whom I have shared 20 years to date. I promise you, there will be happiness again.
Thank you everyone for your thoughtfulness and honest comments. I am so glad that I’ve joined this community. I have decided I’m going to live my life and move on. I wish him the best and I hope that He finds peace and comfort while he’s trying to figure himself out. I won’t be in contact with him only because I’d like him to see what’s important to him. If he feels that I need to be part of his life, I will atleast be there for him as a friend. Having to go through so much pain and uncertainty is on its own the hardest thing to do. I pray that one day there will be a cure and that everyone can finally find the comfort they absolutely deserves.