I began seeing someone in March last year. We had a great few months and were very happy.
In September I began having symptoms and I was diagnosed in December with RRMS.
I had a number of relapses between September and December and have finally shaken off the last lot of symptoms. My energy levels are back to normal and I felt the fog lift somewhat.
But the last month, my boyfriend has been stressing over the relationship. He felt it all moved so fast and that even though he cares about me and I made him happy, he just can’t cope with the relationship at the moment and needs some time apart to deal with it. He says it’s not about the illness. He also says that he thinks it’s very possible that once he has had some time he will want us to try again but for now, he just can’t handle it.
I’m devastated. I can’t help but feel the MS had a huge role in this and it makes me angry. I probably did rely on him far too much when I was feeling ill as my friends and family were so upset about my diagnosis that I hid a lot from them. But he seemed so strong and able to handle it that I leaned on him.
I know there is nothing I can do now but give him the space he needs and get on with my life.
But I’m just wondering if anyone else experienced something like this, where after initial diagnosis their other half freaked out? How did it work out?
Sorry I should also specify that he asked for a break but to keep in touch and I said no, if we were breaking up, we were breaking up. He is upset that it’s a breakup as it seems so final, but he has agreed that it’s not fair on me to string me along while he sorts himself out. He still wants to stay in touch as friends.
MS does break up relationships, no doubt. My hubby even told me that he might have thought twice about staying if we hadn’t been together so long and had kids - and he is one of the best men I have ever known, if not the best man.
There are men who stay though and there will be men who won’t blink an eye when you tell them you have MS in the future - men who can look past the disease and see the person.
It might be though that this man is having a delayed reaction to all the stress and that he’ll soon be back saying how daft he was and that he loves you, and it may well be true and all work out for the best, but you’d have to wonder what would happen next time you relapse. And you deserve better.
People with MS do meet and marry after their diagnosis. Quite a few MSers marry other MSers too - forums and clubs have a lot to answer for
So if this relationship doesn’t work out, there will be others. No doubt.
As Karen has said there will be men that stand by you (though at times it isn’t easy) and men that can’t deal with it and walk. I hope with some time and space to think your boyfriend realises he loves you and is ready to face whatever MS throws at you. But if he doesn,t I guess it’s better to know now than be let down later on.
As Karen says you deserve better. Whether your X comes back or not, there is someone out there for everyone and someone that will accept you for you, MS and all.
I know it’s hard to see it all now, you’re grieving and sad, but in time it will become easier.
Treat yourself kindly, you’ve just recovered from your last episode of symptoms so the last thing you want is to be overstressed and set off another new thing. Relax, have some duvet days, soppy films, ben and jerry’s and invite your close friends round, or talk to us here. Then when you’re ready to face the world get up and fill the time and space you have with things you like to do, things that will get you out there meeting new people and enjoying the health and life you have.
Once again really sorry you’re going through this (hugs)
Thanks all, I’m pretty cut up about it. Last August I had the world at my feet. A great relationship, good job, my health…my future was bright. Since then I’ve lost almost everything that matters.
I do have my little girl and she’s the reason I get up every morning. I do still have my job. But the future feels bleak now instead of bright. I can’t even think about the future because it scares me so much.
Good for you. I am really sorry for people who let themselves be left hanging while the other half ‘sorts him/herself out’. So demeaning, not to mention doomed to failure. Better to walk away with head held high and self-respect intact. I hope for brighter days for you soon.
From a mans point of view, if he is in his 40’s and thinks things are moving to fast, just sounds crazy, thats something you say as a teenager, The same as its not you its me. Love works in the weirdest of ways.
If he was there for you through it all and has left now you are better, maybe he wanted to wait for you to be ok before he left, which although may sound nice he didnt account for how your feelings grew and maybe he wasnt looking for a meaningful relationship to start with.
Try to keep your chin up and crack on, relationships are never easy no matter what the age but on the biggest and bouns side. There are plenty upon plenty of sexy man fishies in the sea.
Hi there, So sorry to hear about the end of your relationship. This illness is so hard on our loved ones. My hubby really feels the strain and as Karen says, if we weren’t married with kids, he may not have hung around. I don’t know for sure but it is pretty tough for others to get their heads around this. So glad you have your daughter. I am sure just her presence is an immense comfort to you! None of us know what is coming but don’t lose hope. He may change his mind or you may find someone who doesn’t care about the MS. Hang in there, Teresa xx
Thanks all. Am feeling a lot better about things now. It has helped enormously that my health has improved in the last week or so. I was suffering from fatigue and it’s gone. I’m not sure if it was MS fatigue or if I was a bit depressed since diagnosis but either way, even though I’m sad and upset at the breakup, I still feel a million times better than I did the last couple of months.
I’m keeping busy and making plans with friends I had been neglecting, I’m out walking and I’ve the energy to cook meals again so I’m losing the “pity” stone I put on during and after diagnosis (you know, the “poor me I’ll have some cake” weight).
I miss him but I’m getting through it. He can’t seem to go more than a day or two without contacting me so there may be hope but I’m not really banking on it.
It was just bad timing for us I think. To be with someone only a short time and then have to go through months of illness and tests and hospitals culminating in this scary diagnosis and uncertainty about the future. And then the vibrant, fun, active person you met less than a year before, turns into this gloomy, couch potato who cuts herself off from friends and family…I can see why he got scared. I’m not “blaming” my MS for the breakup. I couldn’t control it so it’s not my fault. And I’m not blaming him for being scared off. It’s possible if the roles were reversed I’d be the same.
No hard feelings towards him, no hard feelings towards myself… it’s just the way it happened.
