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My boyfriend with MS is pushing me away

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend was diagnosed with MS aged 22, he will be 30 in January. We’ve been together for a year and a half and I’ve known about his MS from the start. I’ve always fully supported him and it’s never put me off him.

Sometimes I feel like he tries to push me away. He’s recently talked about not being sure if he can be ‘fully committed’ to the relationship even after we’ve been together for a year and a half. I think he also puts pressure on himself to make sure that this is the right relationship because he’s scared about what affect MS will have on him in the future and he doesn’t want to waste time.

I find it upsetting because I really love him and I’ve always accepted that MS will be a part of our lives.

Does anyone have any tips about how I can reassure him? Or is there anyone who has MS who can relate to possibly over analysing relationships because you’re conscious of trying to live the best life?

Any advice would be so appreciated.

Thank you

i was 50 when diagnosed.

had been with my husband since i was 22.

i told him when i got my diagnosis that if he wanted to run for the hills, it was ok by me.

he was deeply offended.

your boyfriend has put his cards on the table.

you should put yours out too.

you don’t see it as a waste of your time because you love him so much.

there will need to be a lot of talking and honesty.

i really hope you can work it out together.

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Hi, I don’t know if any of this will help but I was diagnosed at 39, been married since 23 and my first reaction was to tell Mr Val to head for the hills. He replied that we would deal with things as they happened and he wasn’t going anywhere. Then about eight years later the tables turned when he got ill and I became the one doing the looking after. I wasn’t going anywhere either! He died seven years ago but the point is you deal with things because you love each other and it really was as simple as that.

I am now in a new relationship with someone who knew about my MS since forever and it still isn’t a problem but again it was my first reaction to protect him from whatever the future holds. MS will always be part of your lives but it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. Life goes on in the meantime so just keep talking and enjoying the good times.

All the very best to you both.

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hmm, seems my wife’s reaction was pretty common then!

We were already dealing with her having problems of reduced mobility due to incredible pain and nerve damage following a work injury which stopped her working and eventually led to her dismissal,when about 15 months after this she had a sudden attack which led to the suggestion and investigations of Ms. At this point she didn’t just give me the option to go but was absolutely insistent that i should leave,I told her no way and that i meant the “in sickness and in health” that we agreed.She just couldn’t get rid of me that easily and now recently officially diagnosed and having celebrated our 10th anniversary a few weeks back she seems to have accepted if she wants rid she probably needs to have me killed!

It may well have been different if we were a more recent thing and were not yet living together etc,who knows?

Ollie

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I must be less kind than the rest of you. When I was diagnosed with MS, we didn’t even live in the same town, let alone house! And I never suggested he might want to run a mile away from me. But back then I knew absolutely nothing about MS. If I knew then what I know now, I might have given him the option. But then I’d have lost the most caring, supportive and loving partner ever. We were married a few years later (after a brief hiatus when he could have escaped!) and have just celebrated our 13th year wedding anniversary.

I suspect the problem with the OP and boyfriend is that they are younger (than Mr Sssue and me). And I can well understand his reasoning. If the OP does a whole load of research into the potential future, thinks about children growing up with a potentially disabled father (not that he will be, just that it’s a possibility, assuming there are to be children) and thinks about growing into middle age with someone whose earning potential may be reduced as well as possibly needing help with all sorts of personal care. Then the two of them have a real heart to heart (I’m assuming here that the OP is female, most of my points still make sense even if OP is male, I hope), then maybe he will change his mind.

All the best.

Sue

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Hi I’m new here. I’ve looked after Sue with SPMS and now with PPMS for 15 years. It may sound odd, but MS has drawn us so much closer as a couple. We were lucky that Sue started with MS around 45 years old, at first I wanted to know what the progression would be, how we would cope and how we would live? So many years later, she has plateaued, we follow Dr Terry Wahls protocol and I say to our able bodied friends to show their love for each other, to massage their spouses feet and and make them feel good, both physically and emotionally and spiritually. Thank you MS.

Hi, my boyfriend has just been diagnosed with relapse and remitting ms. I have always been here for him and made it very clear that we can get through it together. Before he was diagnosed we just moved it together and was very happy and excited about the future. We still are but recently we have had the conversation about him not being able to have sex with me. He has told me that if it’s a long term thing that he is unable to have sex with me that he would rather us not be together because it would be unfair on myself. I have obviously finding this really upsetting and I am worried about the future I don’t want us to split up as I really love him. Looking for some advice. Thanks

When you love someone, it’s natural to want to protect them from anything that might hurt them, and so I can understand why someone with MS might push their partner away and encourage them to “get out while they can” - unfortunately the aspect they won’t have taken into account is that 1) their partner will most likely want to be there for them and support them and 2) at a time where the partner feels like they have no control over what’s happening and feels helpless, having the additional challenge of someone trying to break up with them isn’t what they need right now!! I’m currently experiencing symptoms and awaiting diagnosis, and my husband is incredibly supportive - it hasn’t crossed my mind to tell him to leave me, but I do worry about the impact of my ill health on his emotional wellbeing and there’s an underlying guilt about me “putting him through” this (through no fault of my own). I’d encourage you (both anonymous posters) to be really honest with your partners about how their opinions about your relationship have made you feel, and hammer home to them that you love them, you’re sticking with them no matter what, and from now on you’ll be dealing with this together so no more “what ifs” about the future, because whatever the future holds you’ll cope with it side by side! Good luck :slight_smile: Sarah