Forum

New to this..

Hi I’m new to this and need some advice please. My partner has MS and has had it for over 5 years now. I have been with her for almost 2 years now and we live apart at the moment but I honestly dont know what I can do to let her feel that I can take care of her when she simply does not let me in. It is taking a toll on our relationship and she simply hides away and does not talk to me esp on her bad days. She shuts herself away and does not want to see me or talk to me. I would do anything to truly understand MS and it affects her and I have done my research and what she has told me but again she thinks I dont understand it. Yes I know I will never truly understand but I want to! She is still in denial and hates MS and wont accept help or counselling and deals with it her way. It’s either that or no way at all. What can I do to make her see that I do want to help her and show her that I want to support her! I am at a loss and really want to solve this so our relationship is not ruined by Ms Thank for listening x

Hi

Not knowing either of you as individuals or as a couple any opinions or advice is likely to be bad and wrong or good and right. So I can only suggest the vaguest stuff. Having a complex tough health condition with uncertain outcomes is pretty tough to get your head around. You can not force her to see it from your perspective but I have found it useful on occasion to ask “how would you react if the boot was on the other foot?” (this can also be a useful question for ourselves) We process stuff for other people differently than for ourselves.

MS (or any health issue) is not a hobby or a club, it is a part of our lives but does not have to be the defining part. Your relationship will be affected but should not be defined by any condition.

You should communicate, even if it leaves unanswered questions and silences. Use your imagination to take the MS out of the equation and see how you are both doing.

I wish you both the best of luck.

Mick

Hi

Thankyou for taking the time to reply. As individuals we are both I would say strong, independent and stubborn. I do admire her in every possible way how she manages and copes with MS on a daily basis. She has opened upto about her symptoms, the fatigue and generally does tell me, but I do feel I walk on egg shells at times because she does tend to shut down and deals with alone. I want her to know that I’m there for her but is it enough?? I have more or less begged her to talk to me and tell her it’s so important to communicate but I get ‘we are going around in circles’ reply.

How do I respond to that when she won’t tell me. What can I do or say to let her know I am there for her and I’m not going anywhere. She is my one true love and we have been through alot together already before Ms came along. Almost 20 years history and been together offcially 2.5 years. I’m sad that she feels she can’t talk to me and I do understand that she is most likely coming to terms with it. I’m worried if I suggested we go for some help she would be offended as she trys to deal with it in her own way. I want her to know i will support her to the best ability I can.

No magic bullet, if she does not want to engage in difficult conversations all you can do is show her how you feel by being there but respecting her specific boundaries. You also need be aware that these boundaries are dynamic and might vary quickly and with no obvious reason. If you can both cope with this that should tell you both something.

good luck

Mick

Just by reading these threads of ms folks troubles, concerns probs etc… you will get the gist of how ms impinges our lives! Also you may want to get info, read books about ms?

Good Luck Anon.

Just keep doing what you`re doing…you sound a really lovely guy and she is lucky to have you. I hope it gets better for you. xxx

Hi thanku I am def reading up on ms always and so much to learn. She is slowly opening upto me but I know deep down she hates talking about it and deals with it her way. This is something I have to adapt with but it’s still very hard when she shuts me out. That’s down to me to try and break at some point as not knowing is very hard for me. If not then I have to deal with it my way. I will always remain positive as she is on her good days and definitely let her know I’m there for her when she needs me and allows me in. Thanku so much to u all for listening. Means alot.