Sorry for posting anon, but I'm embarrased about this, but need some people to talk to. I'd really appreciate some advice.
Basically I've been with my husband for nearly 20 years and we are very happy. Everyone always comments on how much of lovely couple we are and people quite often tell me that they can see how much my hubby loves me just by the way he looks at me. I am very lucky!!
But earlier this year, I happened to look at our mobile phone bills, and to cut a long story short found out he had been texting a barmaid at his local (where I don't go) for 3 years!!! After some analysing the texts were on the night he was actually in the pub and carried on after he came home till early hours, and sometimes just one other day during the week, there were never any phone calls. He goes to this place once per week. When I found out I did tell him to leave me. He wouldn't.
He has since explained she was his friend, just someone to talk to, (we had been going through some tough times with my son) and she became his 'confidente' (sp?) nothing more. And quite often the texts were jokes, that he'd send to all his friends (all other friends are men). I do actually belive him. If it was an affair, after 3 years I think it would have progressed to phone calls and secret meetings, but I can be 99% certain this didn't happen. He was always with me, except for work and his one night out a week with his friends (who I know well and know they do go out) As soon as I found out he deleted her number in front of me, told me he wouldn't contact her again and he really didn't realise he was doing anything wrong. He has swore on our kids lives that nothing like 'that' went on, she was just a person to talk to and thats it. He stopped going out with his friends on my request, and took me out on that day instead.
This all came about 6 months ago and it's took me a long time to accept it.
Last week he said he's had enough of been treated like a 5 year old and if he wants to go out with his friends every week, he will, and last week he did. He came home very drunk and said some very nasty hurtful things to me. He has since apologised and has told me he really can't remember what he said. But he is truly sorry. But he does want to go out with his friends and is not being told he can't anymore. He is adamant nothing happend with the barmaid and has told me he loves me, only wants me, and will never do what he did again. He still is very adamant that he didn't think he was doing anything wrong as there was nothing physical in it, she was just his friend. He has told me I have never had anything to worry about, and never will. He explained to me that even before he met me, with his first wife and previous girlfirends he has never cheated - ever. And he has never, or never will cheat on me. It's just not in him to do that.
My question is I am being over the top? I do believe she was just his friend, and surely husbands can have friends that their wives don't know about, if they are just friends??
I do believe him. but what hurt is that she was a secret, her name was a mans name in his phone and he'd text her without me knowing. it's the 'secretivness' that hurts.
And now I'm finding the hurtful things he said to me last week when he was drunk hard to deal with. He said he was making a stand on that day but never meant to hurt me and really can't remember what he said! (he was VERY drunk!) I am struggling with trust too! Everytime his phone goes I feel I'm on edge, he has assured me that I do NOT have anything to worry about and will even get rid of his phone if it will make me feel better!
We've been together for nearly 20 years and this is the first time he has ever done anything like that. I feel like a part of me doesn't want him anymore and the only answer is to leave. But I do love him and know he does love me!
Any advice x
(sorry for the long post)
P.S. Illness wise he is very caring, always looking out for me, making sure I don't do too much. So I really don't think it has anything to do with me being ill.