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Advice..

Hey all,

I needed some advice please! My husband has been at his parents house for the past 8 days (he said he was going for 3 and would be back but not sure when he’s back now)… and he hasn’t bothered to call and barely texts! I know he’s busy with his family who he hasn’t seen for ages which I can appreciate, plus he’s doing a bit of refurb around the house BUT am I wrong or selfish to think he could pick up the phone for 2 mins and just ask how I am, or to say anything, or to text a little how his day was before bed? I called him twice, and the third is when he whatsapp called me, I missed it but called back 2 mins later only to hear that ‘my fat fingers accidentally called you’… He did offer to stay on the phone to talk, I did for about 5 mins and then told him to get on with his work cos it had just upset me that it wasn’t really him who wanted to talk to me…

Tonight he said I miss you and I just sent him the rolling eyes emoticon on whatsapp because that’s exactly how I feel (8 days later!)

What’s worse is… I wasn’t well before he left (going through a possible relapse/mystery symptoms of something)… Last Friday (a day after he went), I told him how my conversation with the GP went, mentioned to him that I was in tears when talking to her and just felt really rubbish. He did text me saying we’ll get through this etc, but he hasn’t once asked me how I am in regards to it. He asks you ok? But that’s a generalised comment - nothing of what is actually wrong with me - nor did he pick up the phone at the time to talk - or throughout…!

Am I wrong to be really annoyed with him? I suffer anxiety anyway, me being un well and no one knowing what’s up with me is worse and then not even having my own husband not talk to me… I’ve literally been in tears most nights - I didn’t know who to talk to so here I am typing this!

I don’t even think he knows what he’s doing which is getting me annoyed at him and I just feel once he’s back, whenever that is, i’m just going to have a huge argument, cry and not want to talk to him at all… So my Q to you all is, am I wrong to feel that way? Or should I just bottle up and be fine with him?

Background info: we’ve been married 2.5 years, knew each other for about 14 years! He’s always said he’d support me through my Ms (I was diagnosed in 2007) but here he is not asking how I am when going through a possible relapse (will know on Tuesday, I had my bloods and urine done today to rule out any infections)…

Help me feel better please! :cry:

Hum maybe not the one to answer you lol. You wrote.
Tonight he said I miss you and I just sent him the rolling eyes emoticon on whatsapp because that’s exactly how I feel (8 days later!) :roll_eyes:

Not nice was it? why do that?

Ok seriously you dont sound very old, and i wonder if his family is elderely? something odd about this.

MEN a lot are not demonstrative. what we feel as important they dont. My husband used to go away all the time as an engineer. I didnt get upset if he had no time to contact me as eventually he wouold. I was very secure in my relationshiop with him and trusted him. I knew he was busy. when he came home we could talk and laugh. You have whatsapp why dont you face time him with his familly and say HELLO? IT feels a little one sided to me. He obviously is a caring man if he is looking after his family, maybe you have been too demanding of late, and he needs a break BUT so DO YOU. cant ou go to family for a few days. the worse you can do right now if your not feeling is be left on your own with your thoughts.

I have 2 daughters right, they never ring me and ask me how I am. I do them but its not the other way round. my family sisters siblings say why cant you go out more they dont understand my MS so ii dont bother saying anything, i just get on with it.

but i think you should make a time together to spend face chat or whatever it is called, and even include his family.

but i dont think worrying about is he right or wrong am I is helping. I think the jury is out on you with this one lol. Your hurting and scared and need to take control of the situation. you need support and help, so ring him and talk to him and ask if he can come home for a few days.

you are being passive agressive. you wrote: He did offer to stay on the phone to talk, I did for about 5 mins and then told him to get on with his work cos it had just upset me that it wasn’t really him who wanted to talk to me… Really did it matter it was a butt call? he was talking to you and you decided to cut it short. Mixed messages.

If i waited for my hubby to ask me how i was i wouold hvae been over a 100 years old lol. Now i think you need to get support yourself your on your own and you shouldnt be. xxxx

Hi, I know where you are coming from - My husband doesnt talk about ms or asks me about my day and he looses track of time all the time. He has alot of different jobs going on at one time and his head is always filled with what he has to do.
But I agree with Crazy Chick, you cant sit and brood. You have to tell your husband whats going on and ask him when hes likely to be back - the job is probably taking longer and hes just caught up with it, doesnt realize how you feel.
Ive been with him long enough to know what hes like - dosent mean it doesnt hurt sometimes, but im not good at asking for help either. We usually have a rough patch and then we are fine again.
Talk to him, dosent really matter who pick up the phone xx

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your hubby sounds just like mine was lol. totally focused on one thing. we lasted 30 lovely wonderful years. xxxx

i agree with everything you have said. xxx

Thanks for the replies

I’ve called and spoken to his family, every other day. He just isn’t around so I can speak to him… 9 days today and he hasn’t got 2 mins to call and say anything is what gets to me. He’s the same person who always says he is a caring man, with a heart and he’d never make me feel rubbish yet he’s done just that :roll_eyes: I agree, i’m probably being very extra but i’m NEVER the type for attention. I think if it was a normal time, i’d not have thought twice but as i’m going through a relapse where my hands don’t work properly, i’m finding it even more difficult. I’m not complaining that he’s taking too long to come back - it was actually me who said spend more time with family and come whenever you want - no need to rush back since he can still WFH while he’s there - not bigging myself up but if I can be so understanding then surely asking for a two min conversation isn’t the end of the world. Yes he’s a man and his thought direction is a one way street BUT… Everything he has always said about himself - he’s not like that. I guess were STILL learning to live with each other and learning about each other. I don’t know - but if I do call him, it’s never a ‘right’ time… Soooo what to do!

When he ‘accidentally’ called me, he wasn’t the one actually talking. It’s as if he couldn’t be bothered which is why I left it… Any arguments we have had, i’ve always given in but now I feel like I do have a worthy moment to be upset with him

I don’t know… But if you say I miss you then again. What happened to the 2 mins of the precious time? :see_no_evil: i’m a broken record. Guess I need to just go past it and think he’s a typical Man! :expressionless:

the trouble is we read what you wrote but we are not living this life. I think the person you must talk too with a real conversation is your partner. only you know how you feel. i dont understand to be honest if your having a relapse why you would even think he should be with his family when his responsibility is to his wife, who has MS and in relapse and needs him.

darn sure i would think it was right for that to happen. he has to make a choice you or family. can i ask you without upsetting you are you ethnic race? I only ask this as i know from friends who i have who are family is the most important thing and sons are expected to kind of be there for them?

its time for truths i think. Your not happy it isnt helping your MS. you shouldnt be left alone in a relapse. couldnt a member of family come and be with you? or can you not get help through social service. see i have no idea what is happening, only can read what you wrote and describe how i would deal with it. Is it giving in, or is it having a quieter life, and if you feel like you have to give in to stop an argument i would seriously look at the marriage. IMHO.

Heyy…

I know what you mean - and i’m not the best talking about stuff cos I just get emotional - and i’m not fully explaining over words too! I will try…

He went last Thursday and said he’d come back on Sunday… On Sunday when I had called him, I asked if he was working on Mon, to which he said no. So I suggested that he stayed an extra day to chill with the family (as far as I knew, he had done most of the jobs in the house cos he hadn’t told me everything, so thought it would be nice for him to chill for the day and head back at night)… His reply to me was ohh so you don’t miss me and don’t want me back. (As jokes)… I made it clear that I miss him, but due to covid etc, it’s been a while that he’s been with family so what’s an extra day :woman_shrugging:t2:

Monday morning he whatsapp’d me saying he’d ‘probably’ be staying an extra week. To which I was like oh… ok then. I didn’t say come back etc, 1) because he hadn’t confirmed it, 2) i’m really bad when it comes to asking for help, or wanting something. He knows that SO well - anyway, as I said. He hasn’t shared much with me while he’s been there - I get he’s busy during the day and don’t want him constantly on his phone when he’s doing jobs/with everyone but just before going to sleep… At least let me know how your day has been Or ask how I am when he full well knows i’m not well. We both are quick at typing so i’m sure those two mins wouldn’t hurt and if that’s an issue, call. A call would last longer yes, so text…! (This is my issue!)

You’ve guessed right, we are Asian and he’s the eldest of 8 siblings - I understand he has his role and responsibilities and wants to sort things out for his siblings and parents etc. I get it, totally do. Never had an issue with that… But to feel like I barely exist… He spoke to me more while we were seeing each other/as my fiancé than now… :see_no_evil: he can say he misses me but those are just words which I assume he thinks will make me think aww cute and forget about the fact he hasn’t bothered for the whole day

Today my mother in law has told me him and his brothers are tiling the bathroom - I know he’s busy so it actually hasn’t bothered me whatsoever. I got a text from him near 11am and now I know I will (a couple of words) at 8.30pm (usual times)… I do have family around, my sister lives near by so she’s tried to keep me busy but she has her own life and kids - I can stay busy myself not an issue but come on. Two minutes is what I ask for! Lol…

I can’t say anything to him now… Feel like if I do, i’d ruin his time there with family so i’d rather not. Let’s see when he actually decides to come home… (he hasn’t said yet)!

Ah bright light goes off. I have asian friends, and the one thing they tell me is their husbands are totally focused on their parents and family. When i worked as an educational coordinator in the community i had 54 tutors several were asian ladies and we had a hoot together, they would run classes on how to henna, and cook a proper curry lol. BUT they constantly were not happy with their partners. seems normal that for their hubbies parents come first. I am RC my mother was catholic and family was very important. we were taught to respect. the mother was the ALPHA. All the children were brought up to care for their husbands lol. 3 girls, and the 3 boys could do no wrong lol.

anyway now you sound much more calmer and can see things better. it helps to talk it through. This is your life now. my only concern is you aer left alone too long in a relapse. Men dont honestly see things in 10 minute slots, you have to take what you get sometimes. If he says he is going to be away 10 days say no i want you home with me, so make it 8 days. if that makes sense. but be honest with him, i know for sure his mother will be.

please have family around to help you. I am 70 been self isolating since last march. I know when i do get a family visit it gives me a huge boost.

try and join some groups, maybe you have a talent you can share. i do all kinds of things never get bored lol. I am just glad you sound a lot more in the groove lol. xxxxxx it sounds like the family home needed a look of work. are the other brothers married? if so join the wives on a zoom call and have a giggle together lol. xxxx

To be honest, I do feel better talking about it all with someone who understands what Ms actually is! I was diagnosed while being at uni, he was around and saw me at my worst. Over the years he saw how it affects me, and how i’m so positive about it all. I think the problem with some men and everyone is when they see everyone up, about, normal as can be and a positive hat on - they think ‘oh they’re fine - leave them to it’ rather than think half of it is to just keep going! We can’t all be lying in bed saying i’m not well and want to be waited on hand and foot - although that would be lovely every now and then :joy:

I guess I was just feeling sorry for myself even with so much around to keep me busy - if he wants to stay longer then go ahead! I think i’ll start being more honest firstly to myself and then him the next time cos i’m sure it’ll come sooner than I think…! Lol

You’re right, the husbands do prioritise their own families before anyone else but what I don’t get is why do that and make it into such a deal when your wife tells you to go be with the family. Never have I said don’t/anything negative - I couldn’t go due to work, and he’s two hours away (another thing I didn’t confirm before)

I have strange hand pain, hurts when I bend and now numbness and muscle weakness has begun… So i’m in between knowing if it’s a relapse, or knowing I have some sort of arthritis! Another thing which hasn’t helped… BUT. Two minutes of his precious time…! :expressionless::crazy_face: i’ll hold onto that for long as I can lol

LOL to your last sentence. thats my girl your getting there. OK my mike was ill had COPD, he loved his mum and saw her a lot. i loved my mum but when i got sick had to be driven he never seemed to have time, so i just would pay someone and make my husband foot the bill lol. when we needed the house decorating, again it came out of his earnings not mine lol. but to be fair to mike he worked he worked hard for both of us, was often away abroad working. I was lucky in a way as i am ex miltary brat (child from RAF FATHER), AND ex miltary wife so used to be on my own. I quite like it actually.

when mike came home we would always spend sunday together no family allowed. but any other day was his. He would spend hours in his shed building bits for cars lol. He never went off on his own. yes he went to see his mum but i would go occasionally too as i liked her and we took her on holiday with us a few times before i got sick.

I think with a cultural you have its learning how to find ways around it. maybe not be so compliant and giving? I agree with totally if you show your strong its a bad move, as they expect it all the time. When you ring him again doing it the day and say you are in bed as your not feeling well. when i did that to mike he came home from work to make sure i was ok. I was in bed i gave in to and he was amazing. sometimes we just have to show we ae weak. I am a Leo darn lion lol. even now i refuse to give in but that got me a stay in hospital so i am more careful lol.

you are highly educated went to university to study what? do you still work? you could write a blog maybe help other ladies in your situation and find common interests and how to survive etc, or just blog and get your thoughts out on paper. i find writiing really cathartic. i have my own blog which i did enjoy but since my second move in a year i am too tired to do much of it.

I am happier now you are feeling better. If you are relapsing you must rest anyway. eat a good diet, take vitimin D (ask doctor to check your levels), and well binge out on some stuff on telly lol.

You can do this. Just remember you are treated only as you allow yourself to be treated. xxx (i dont get relapses as i am progressive MS). X