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4 weeks after my husband left.. its not getting any easier...

I posted on here a few weeks ago. My husband walked out on me 4 weeks ago, and Im still crying.My friends and family have been a great support and so have the people who kindly replied / responded to my first post.

Im slowly getting things sorted but its REALLY difficult. Ive been keeping busy, decorating and am back at work tomorrow.

We both work for the same organisation and people who dont know the situation ask about him. which is a KILLER

I just cant understand how my husband is just carrying on as normal as if NOTHING has changed. He starts a new job this week and he needs to be focused but how can he with all this going on ? He is best man at a wedding on thursday. A lot of the guests are our mutual friends and they will all wonder where I am. As of ~Thursday our seperation will become very public (because of the wedding situation).

I am hurting. Im devestated. Im losing weight. I am not sleeping very well and I am still crying.

How can he just ‘carry on as normal’ ? Please someone tell me as I just cant understand it.

Im hating myself, and I am blaming myself for this situation and I am also blaming the MS as this makes me so insecure. Husband says that the MS has nothing to do with our seperation, but deep deep down, I think it does.

I feel as if he is ‘free’ now of me and the house, all his responsibilities and he has got free reign to ‘start again’.

Sorry - but I need to get all this out.

Aw sweetie, I hate to say this but men just work differently than us when it comes to emotions (sorry boys, I know that’s a sweeping statement and some of you do break the mold but you’re rare!).

I remember reading a book once called “Leave before you go”, it wasn’t an amazing book or anything but that phrase did stick, that is kind of what a lot of guys seems to do emotionally before they actually leave. Is it any wonder there’s a fear in most of us girls that it could happen to us too, we’ve all seen it happen to friends and colleagues.

This is going to be a tough week for you, going public is one of the worst bits and I don’t have any earth-shattering advice but you will survive it! He will be the one facing questions tho, not you.

Take care and remember that you are worth more than this!!!

Sonia x

What can I say, totally agree with Sonia.

Take care I hope things get better for you.

Wendy x

Hi Sami,

Firstly I am so glad to hear that you are starting to get things sorted - it will take time hun but you still have a life to lead. If some-one asks about him - tell the truth - he walked out on you. Don’t let him try to make it look otherwise and don’t make excuses for him - just be honest.

Also you too have free reign to start again. I know it doesn’t seem like it but you DO NOT need a man in your life. They are a bit like chocolate - nice to have but not necessary (sorry guys on here - same for you only in reverse).

It easy for me to say and will be difficult for you to do but you do need to get on with day-to-day living hun. If he comes back then whether you take him back is up to you and if he doesn’t, you need to keep going. And if he doesn’t come back to you then don’t give him the satisfaction of seeing you so distraught. You are surviving with MS, thats means you are already a strong woman. You can deal with this too, I have faith in you.

So chin up, chest lifted and deep breath. Tomorrow is another day.

Take care hun - PM me if you need a rant. Lots of hugs

JBK xx

You have my empathy (not sure about the literation!), my wife left me 3 years ago after 25 years together, 6 months after I was diagnosed with MS. Like you I lost weight, I think its called the heartbreak diet. I couldnt understand how my ex-wife could be so uncaring (she soon moved onto someone new), until I remember a friend of mine doing something similar. Some people can be very selfish and don’t think about the devastating impact of their actions. I know it is easier to say rather than to do, but you have to get on and make the best of it, start by putting yourself and your needs first, and with friends and family you will get through it. We are thinking of you at the difficult time. All the best, Peter.

Hi Sami, sorry things have not got easier for you and that your husband has not explained to you why he has left. It may well be your MS or it may have, like he says, nothing to do with it. Only he knows and if he is not willing to say then you have no option but to draw a line and let him be. I know there was a lot of advice when you first posted about leave him be and he may come back as long as you give him space but if he is serious about your relationship being finished then you not only have to leave him be, you have to start putting yourself together. Look for little things to take pleasure in every day, be it the sun is out, you had a really nice cup of coffee, your favourite telly programme is on etc etc etc. Find something that gives you joy even if it’s only for a few minutes. I hope you get the answers you need and want but you may not and you have to prepare for that. Again, I am sorry your life is so sad right now, big hugs Linda x

[quote=“nindancer”]

Aw sweetie, I hate to say this but men just work differently than us when it comes to emotions (sorry boys, I know that’s a sweeping statement and some of you do break the mold but you’re rare!).

I remember reading a book once called “Leave before you go”, it wasn’t an amazing book or anything but that phrase did stick, that is kind of what a lot of guys seems to do emotionally before they actually leave. Is it any wonder there’s a fear in most of us girls that it could happen to us too, we’ve all seen it happen to friends and colleagues.

This is going to be a tough week for you, going public is one of the worst bits and I don’t have any earth-shattering advice but you will survive it! He will be the one facing questions tho, not you.

Take care and remember that you are worth more than this!!!

Sonia x

[/quote] Sonia, I had been thinking along the same lines, but you put it so much better. The break is a shock to the one who is left, but it is not a shock to the one who leaves. Take heart, Fairy Dust. For sure, he is way ahead of you in terms of adjusting right now - of course he is, he has had a head start - but it is a long road ahead. Alison

I said in your previous post that you’re going through exactly the same as me. It’s over 4 months down the line and I’ve gone through all the emotions. It is getting easier once you decide you have to move on that’s not to say that not a day has gone by when I haven’t tried to understand and work it all out. Hang on in there and presevere. As Alison says, he’s had a head start and that’s the way I feel when I see her acting as if nothing’s happened. I have to work in the same office as my ex and the difference in our moods is there for all to see. Guess who the grumpy one is!

Hi FD

Try to look at it like this:
He left you - he is the one who walked out on all his responsibilities,
Focus on the realities.
Can you pay the rent/mortgage? Particularly if it is a mortgage, how do you hold it (joint temants, or tenants in common). This can make a big difference in how to organise your financial future.
After that, can you afford to live - that’s the day-to-day stuff.

What you don’t do is go looking for chances to hit back - let them come to you:
If the question is along the lines of “How is xxxx?”, you can reply “Ask him - he walked out on me 4/5/6 weeks ago”. What you should do - as soon as it becomes public - is to stick a notice in the local paper saying that you will not be responsible for any debts he has incurred after [date] (whatever the date that he left).

Sooner or later he will want to sell the house (mortgage assumed), and you do not want to agree to this. No matter how persuasive the request, do not agree. The chances are that he is still a teenage in terms of maturity, and does not realise that he made a lifelong commitment

In short - he is the one in the wrong, not you. Remember, you can always let off a little steam here.

Geoff

Hi, how you are reacting is totally normal, people rarely explain why they have left as they don’t really know why they have themselves and how do you explain why it was the best option…two houses etc to run, not financially the best option. Dr Geoff has spoken a lot of sense, get the financial end of things sorted first, look after your emotions afterwards no matter how hard,get a good solicitor after wedding and be the one to start the ball rolling, don’t let it be him, it may make him stop and think but unfortunately people rarely come back, when my brothers marriage broke up(his wife left him), he was shocked,devastated etc whereas his ex was more than grand(8 yes later she isn’t and he is), his solicitor said to him she just got bored.A friend f mine husband left her when she had a 5 myth old baby and two toddlers, she said it was like he was packing to go on holidays! I know a lot of this sounds harsh but your are going to have to be, he already has being and will continue so, get a good solicitor, don’t take any crap. Do you have kids…v.hard if you do?Good luck but it is a very hard road, take control back and xxxx him!

Take care and hugs, Rose.xx