I was diagnosed with relapse/remitting two years ago after developing my first symptoms six years ago. After two attacks (optic neuritis/vertigo & bell’s palsy) I’m physically doing pretty well (pins and needles/numbness being my main symptoms).
However, emotionally, I go through periods of being a mess. There was the general anxiety of the initial period of living in limbo land and then the diagnosis, but I don’t see MS as a death sentence the way I did in the beginning and have been looking forward to the future and developing strategies to cope (i.e. healthy lifestyle).
But in other ways, I’m feeling down because I’ve faced a fair bit of turmoil in relationships over the last couple of years - I’ve fallen out with two colleagues, my longest friend and a new sister in law.
I’vee been feeling a lot of inner turmoil because I feel torn. I’m right to be disgusted by the way these people have treated me (e.g. at work, I’m talking bullying behaviour and a sister in law telling me to “get over” my MS as we all have ‘health scares’ ) and I’ve done nothing to provoke their initial bad behaviour. But on the other hand, I’m aware I’ve fallen out with a number of people and my reaction has been far too emotional, prompting them to say something back to me, and makin the situation worse. So these confrontations I’ve had have been ongoing (months/years) and I feel sick from the stress of it all (insomnia, lying awake feeling the whole world is ou to get me right now!). Last week I handed in my notice on a whim without finding another job, because I don’t feel that my boss is right in not disciplining my colleague (a manager, above me).
I’ve been bursting out crying most days too - this is two years after my MS diagnosis so I really want to move on from the upset now. Ironically, my relationship with my boyfriend, once a bit volatile (I’ve always had a slight temper with him, but no-one else) has calmed right down and we rarely row, because ultimately I do want a calmer life. (But instead, I’ve lost my sense of diplomacy with other people, I’m too ready to tell them to 'f off if their behaviours out of order, instead of being smart and letting it wash over me! An I’m sure my partner is probably fed up with me talking about problem after problem!)
I’ve been terrified that I have a mood disorder (I have a half brother with schizophrenia). Done a bit of googling and it seems people with MS can suffer from emotional problems due to physical changes in the brain i.e. lesions. This makes me feel less like beating myself up, as perhaps it’s not my fault. But on the other hand, concerned that I’ll have no control over overcoming this.
Is anyone else going through the same? Any tips for dealing with this please?!