So, I am in the middle of my first proper relapse and I am shocked how hard it has hit me emotionally. I have struggled with depression in the dim and distant past and I can feel its ugly shadows creeping up on me.
It’s rubbish timing. My (much younger) sister has just got married this past weekend. The wedding was beautiful, she looked beautiful and her husband is a lovely man. I spent the entire weekend in agony, feeling miserable and exhausted, all the while plastering a smile on my face. I am so happy for her, but I feel terrible inside and can’t help feeling that I should be more… something. It has taken so much energy to pretend that everything is fine, but in reality, I am scared.
I think after the first relapse went away, I kidded myself that that was it. I did have remnants of symptoms but I dismissed them as nothing. Now with a new brain/spine MRI with new lesions in both, I can’t pretend any more. I’m 48, was diagnosed late, but know that there were many hints at this crappy condition way back in my 20s.
I don’t know what I am trying to say, don’t really know what I am asking (if anything). I am on my own, have no support near to me (I live and work in the south of the country and my entire family is in the midlands. I work very hard, don’t really have much of a social life (especially not now with no energy at the weekend) and friends I do have are all coupled up. I am scared what will happen when I can’t continue any more. I can’t pretend any more that I don’t have this crappy condition.
My friends and colleagues would be shocked to read this. I put on such a front of being fine - I don’t know how to be any different. The curse of being the very much eldest child.
I’m just so, so tired.