Wow this is tough to write but I have nowhere else to go, please bare with me. Diagnosed 16 years ago, 2001, with symptoms at worst being no use of legs, arms and speech, opt neuritis gradually reaching 95% both eyes. 4 year old and 6 month old sons single parent the father didn’t understand what was happening and we broke up. Months of steroids, willpower and the help of amazing parents everything was fixed and I started a new retail job, 2002, and moved from my parents home to a house with my boys. 6 years on, ms is ‘behaving’ children are growing and I’m now dating. I move from Coventry to Cheshire, 2008, marry my man, 2010 and life can’t get any better. 2013 mood swings aren’t good pain and fatigue getting increasingly worse and we start arguing. Our rented house is in his name the arguments grow increasingly worse, I end up frustrated and in tears, the arguments are all my fault it has nothing to do with my ms and I’m told on a weekly basis to pack my bags and get out, take your kids with you (5 years married). I stick with it taking the blame for everything that goes wrong in the marriage and still he says my moods have nothing to do with ms. 2015 we move to a bungalow and I’m looking forward to a new beginning again. Arguments recommence, he’s retired and I’m back at work doing what I love just to come home to all of the housework. We are still arguing, I’m struggling with housework, cooking and working but that is my choice because work is my freedom. Now 18 moths later the arguments have become just nasty comments, I’m still told to leave and with everything in his name I have no home in the bungalow and nowhere to go with my youngest son (16) who’s about to start college. 3 months ago he dropped the bombshell… “Mandy if your ms gets any worse and you can’t look after yourself I want a divorce, I’m not putting up with your mood swings, you’re always tired and I don’t want to have to do everything for you.” Now as it stands this very minute he’s lay next me fast asleep, I’ve not slept properly for weeks, I know if I could see any escape I’d be gone on the next moonbeam out of here. I’ve 2 little dogs that I’ve not spent more than 2 hours away from they really are my best friends, my son starting college September and absolutely nowhere to turn I’m stuck for at least 3 years until college ends. I could go to a hostel I think but disruption for my son before college to do GCSEs as he’s behind with education and then there’s my little dogs that are my best medication a hostel is just not an option. I’m sorry this is such a long post but I’m really lost with what to do with all this… I’d love my independence back and be rid of the man that once idolised me, I’d be sad but this emotional abuse I just can’t take any longer albeit I have no choice. I’m lost!!! Sad and lonely but for my ever faithful fur-babies. Thanks for reading, if you’ve got this far and any advice and/or tips would be so appreciated… goodnight xxx
Mandy. I’m lost for words.
On a practical level, you need legal advise re your position with the house. You say it’s in his sole name, but you have rights so don’t think he can just tell you to leave with nothing. See if there’s a solicitor locally who can offer advice, many do a free half hour consultation, but make a list of questions beforehand to ask or that half hour will fly past. Or get in touch with Woman’s Aid, they will give you expert advice and assistance.
Don’t let him call the shots, get your ducks in a row and initiate your next move. There’s not much you can take control of when you have MS, but this is one thing you can.
I read what you wrote twice. It’s an appalling situation and I can understand that you feel trapped. As you said, if it weren’t for your children you’d be out of there like a shot. That you find work an escape from your marriage is a big pointer to the way that your marriage has deteriorated.
The problem, as I see it, isn’t your MS or even you, it’s this man. I can’t say where the roots of his bitterness lie but I don’t think that you should be shouldering all the weight for his inadequacies and resentment. Perhaps you know what’s created this attitude. And don’t say it’s your illness.
If you stick it out until your son finishes college I think the atmosphere will be so poisonous that he’ll suffer and that will reflect in his studies. And whatever you do to protect him from that he’ll always be aware of the stress and tension.
I’m sorry I can’t offer you any solutions but I don’t think the answer is to stay.
You say that you’d love to get your independence back and I think that, whatever you decide, you’ll find that your son, family and friends will support you.
Whatever happens you will definitely find a tremendous source of support, empathy and even friendship here.
Solutions are difficult for us to suggest Mandy, because we don’t know the full details of your life with this horrible man, nor do we know your resources in terms of finances and family and/or friends who could help you out.
Can you really imagine staying in this toxic relationship for another 3 years? Working as well as doing housework, caring for your son and having MS as well?
Is staying going to do your son any favours? Or would a happier, healthier life be of more value than staying put?
Is the house you now live in owned by him or is it rented? If there isn’t even any equity to worry about, then you have nothing to lose by just leaving.
Do you have sufficient money to rent a flat for you and your son? Maybe you could just leave and worry about the future when it comes?
Is it finances that keeps you there? Or your son? Or something else? Misplaced loyalty?
Do you have friends or family who could help out (you’ve mentioned your parents, can they help?), with for example a loan for you to move out and just survive until you get finances sorted out? Don’t forget if you have very little money, you can claim benefits: Housing and Council Tax Benefit, Working Tax Credit, Child Tax Credit, not to mention Child Benefit which you already get.
I do hope you can get something sorted out, it does sound as though your life with this man has gone from wonderful to utterly dreadful in the last few years.
This man isnt worth twopence. If he can talk to you like this and not give a damn about why you have any mood swings, then it`s his look out and he doesnt deserve you.
The selfish pig…let him go. Sorry but it is making my blood boil for you.
Yes, you do have rights…the house is your and your son`s home.
See legal advice and take charge of the situation. His frightening tactics are only hot air.
Kick the b out!
l agree with Poll… Change the locks!
A solution is so hard to see, but I have to second that the reason is as clear as day…
…it’s in the shape of the man… and to agree further with the sound advice you have been given by the forums royalty no less… I suspect the solution is also in the shape of the man …
…preferably left in one of your walls where you have kicked his **** to the kerb …
sending you lots of love and in the event we really do only get one turn around this track please don’t waste anymore time on this dead horse xx
Oh well said FB
I did not log in as I was only going to have a read to make myself feel better ! But I read your post and needed to comment. I will leave the sensible stuff to others, baring go to the CAB. !!! ASAP. This post would get deleted if I said what I wanted to say ! But bad language doesn’t really help. Ps, feel free to share his email address & I will send my true feelings to him ( if him is a suitable term)
blood boil oil is an understatement ! Huge hugs. Strength . I Would not wish MS on anybody…but…
Umm, I think calling him a man is too much of a complement !
You say you’d love your independence back and be rid of the man that once idolised you. Why don’t YOU begin divorce proceedings? I’m sure citing his unreasonable behavior will ensure a swift, straightforward conclusion. Take a deep breath and be brave. You CAN do it on your own. It sounds like you’re doing it on your own now. Sometimes a relationship just comes to a natural end. It sounds like yours has.
Your solicitor will organise legal aid if you’re entitled to that. Just by taking control of the situation you will feel empowered. It will be you calling the shots instead of him. Get smart, get advice, then get out. Both you and your son deserve a better life.
We cannot give the total answer, cuz as has been said, we don’t know all the facts, but go see a solicitor. house may be in his name, but I expect you’ve been helping pay the rent/mortgage?
If you up and leave you have little rights legally - you have left “voluntarily”. So see a solictor and find out the LEGAL options.
As for the kids - they would rather you were happy than live with the friction - I know this from both sides - being the kid and being the parent. Also don’t blame everything on the MS. As Poppy says, you can start divorce proceedings - try and get PROOF of stuff he has said - otherwise its “he said, she said”.
For what it’s worth, I second what everyone else has said… having looked at awful relationships from the child’s point of view (my parents) it’s altogether easier when the relationship is ended. Could have chosen a better time than just before my O-levels, (I did well, having chosen to escape the toxic atmosphere in the house in books and studying) but that’s all in the past now. Awkward for a short while, but better afterwards. Chuck him out! You’ll cope without him. May not seem like it, but you will…
Good evening all
I have to say I am overwhelmed by the words of advice support and kindness after my post here regarding that person that promised in sickness and in health rubbish, what a bundle of lies that has proved to be. Thank you all so much you have helped immensely. I am will be looking for a place to rent for me and my son as of Monday but I won’t be telling him until I have it all ready for us to move, furniture etc. Financially I will be ok and as for my son he has said on more than 1 occasion he doesn’t want me to leave my husband because he buys him nice things… can all 16 year olds be bought or just mine lol? Either way I’m off out this bungalow, I won’t stop my boy spending time with him but that doesn’t mean I have to does it. I will keep this updated as things progress in case anyone wants to know how things are going.
Again thank you all so much, you all might have just help change my future for the better.
I’m so relieved to read your update Mandy, and wish you all the luck in the world. I hope you find a lovely place where you’ll be free to be yourself.
I imagine it will come as a huge shock to your husband, maybe enough for him to start all the promises to be a better person in the future, to stop the emotional abuse, to tell you he can’t live without you, he didn’t mean it, he didn’t know how much he’d hurt you etc. Stick to your guns, this man has shown you who he is, so believe it; he won’t change, whatever he says, he won’t actually believe that he has to or that he’s done anything wrong - it’s all down to you and your mood swings.
How confident are you that you can safely get from here to moving out day without him finding out? Can you start to remove any vital paperwork (birth certificates, passports etc) and irreplaceable things like photos or videos of the children and leave them with a trusted friend/family? Do you share a joint bank account? If so open another in your just name - it’s there and ready if you should need it.
Your son will, I hope, come to support your decision. If not, well, he’s 16, he can get a part time job to buy himself the ‘nice things’ if they are more important to him than his mother’s health and well being. Is he aware of the ‘take your kids with you’ comments?
Take good care of yourself, remember stress can bring on a worsening of symptoms or even a relapse so pace yourself and if you can get a support network in place and delegate some tasks to them, do so.
Good luck again. I wish I was as brave as you.
He sound’s a peach your fella! How can you manage without him!!! Very well my lovely. Your symptoms may be greatly reduced if you rid yourself of such an a hole, as for your boy, well, unfortunately the more he sees how his father behaves, the more he will think it’s ok to be the same with his ladies. I am not implying it’s going to be easy, but I personally would rather be alone & happy, than with someone that is as controlling & evil as this git. Get some semblance of a life back, you can & will be fine, MS or not xxxx
Well done Mandy. As you say, your son can see the (w)anker if he values the bribes he’s bought rather than his loyalty to you. And the faster you personally take yourself out of this abusive situation the better. Eventually your boy will learn that ‘stuff’ is not worth having if you have to put up with a controlling and unpleasant man. I truly hope your son does eventually learn that human relationships should not work this way.
Hopefully the flat will be easy to find and the whole business will be done and dusted before he gets a sniff of your plans.
Please let us know how you are getting on Mandy. Many of us have been in controlling relationships in the past and are so much happier out of them.
Good luck with your move and in your future life.
Good girl! You gather yourself together and show him how strong you are.
Teenagers often go where the goodies are…shallow and selfish quite often…but try not to dwell on that.
Good luck hun.
Before you go anywhere, phone one of the solicitors locally that offers 20 minutes free advice, or see if you can see the CAB or phone them (citizens advice bureau). I don’t know how the law stands now, but years ago I was helped by one of the free 20 minute chats about where I stood regarding house/kids/situation etc. Then, all the advice was don’t leave your house otherwise you will lose everything, so just check before anything happens. Also if you want to sort things out equally in law later on, you could do without him keeping it going for years because you moved out. Just worth thinking about. I took free advice years ago, then ended up at court and then thanks be to all the powers on earth, I was very very broke but free free freeeeeeeeeee.
It is also a good place for someone neutral who you don’t know, to write down some of the things that are happening to you, even if nothing happens with that information.
I would also advice phoning local women’s support if there is one, you don’t even have to give your name if you don’t want to.
Oops sorry, meant to say, that was over 15 years ago so I guess things have changed for the better.
My 17 and 16 year old came with me as we started again and somehow along the way we also had another teenager living with us for a short period and managed to live on next to nothing. Plus the dog!