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From Bad To Worse

The bad being having MS, it just got worse this morning when my girlfriend told me she’s moving out and already has a place arranged. If I use the MS as a reason for her staying with me, it’s seen as a guilt trip. Trouble is I know that I’m going to need her and she won’t need me but it’s the only card I have. She says this is not a relationship we’re in as I don’t and have rarely gone anywhere with her. Thing is I doubt I’ll get better so I have no defence. I’m filling up while I type this. I hate myself for not treating her right in the past.

Mr Grumpy I’m so sorry to hear your news.

Is there any way you can talk to her & try and sort things out. What aids have you got in terms of wheelchair etc? Is there anything that could make it easier for you to get out more with her? Have you got high mobility DLA and car?

If all of this is not possible, it’s going to be a case of having to accept it. You are right… if you use the guilt trip card it won’t last long anyway. She will come to resent you and it will be over in a short time.

It’s very very hard when a relationship finishes… believe me I know… and even harder when struggling with MS.

Of course it doesn’t mean that you won’t meet anyone else… esp now with internet dating sites for disabled people.

You don’t realise it now but of course you can manage without her. You can get carers if need be.

If she is determined to go you will have to let her… and remind yourself that you will get over it. I’m sure it’s not the only relationship you’ve ever had and I’m sure you got over the others eh? Keep that in mind.

Don’t hate yourself. Dealing with PPMS is an enormously difficult thing. Most people never ever have to deal with anything like this in the whole of their lives.

I choose to live on my own as I know how hard it would be to live with someone with the MS as a ‘third person in the marriage’ so to speak… but on other hand we have people on here is good, supportive relationships so it can happen.

Thinking of you,

Pat x

Hey, Mr Grumpy- you can’t change the past, so try not to focus on it.

Snow Leopard’s given some good advice there.

If you need somebody to talk to, and it might help, please call our free helpline.

Free helpline 0808 800 8000

Kind regards

Stewart (admin)

She’s my first love and I’m totally confused as last month she was talking about us selling up and buying a bungalow so I don’t know what’s happened since then. I don’t want her to leave and I don’t want anyone to replace her with. I’m on the highest rate of Mobility and Care and she helped me apply for it. While I can get round at the moment, I know my limitations. i am waiting for an appointment to get fitted with a wheelchair for when the time arises. I don’t drive. Thanks for the advice both of you. Can I get carers from the MS to do the cleaning jobs I can’t do? She’s out at the moment and I’ll try to find out what’s going on in her head right now when she returns.

I am so sorry Mr Grumpy. I hope that you can sort this out with your girlfriend but if not you will move on. We are all programmed to survive what is thrown at us and you can do that. You are dealing with MS and you can deal with that too, even though it may not seem like it atm. I hope you take Stewart up on using the helpline - that’s what it’s there for! Thinking of you - stay strong! Teresa xx

Try and talk to her. Don’t get angry or defensive. Listen to what she has to say.

Something has happened over the last month by the sounds of it… so stay very calm & try to get her to talk. Remember us women often find that men don’t listen to us. They always seem to interrupt with solutions before we’ve said our piece. So let her talk without interrupting or getting angry.

Tell her how you feel about her. That is not using the guilt card… that’s just being honest.

See if there’s a way she could give it another go. See what changes you could make to mend things between you.

Good luck hon,

Pat x

I’ve already spoken to her and once her mind is made up, there’s no going back. I’ve got over this first hurdle of MS because of her help. She’s leaving on Saturday and putting a massive gap in my life. She said nothing’s happened over the last month and she was “just going along with it”. It takes her a long time to make her mind up but once she does, that’s it. I’ve told her she’s irreplaceable and opened my heart up but the lady is not for turning…

So sorry.

If you really need to talk, take up Stewart’s suggestion and call the helpline.

She sounds as if she has been a great support and perhaps you shouldn’t burn bridges and keep things friendly, if you are able to.

I know how hard it is… try not to look back and start to plan your life without her. See your GP about getting a care package to help at home.

Take care Mr Grumpy,

Pat x

So sorry that things are irretrievable Mr Grumpy. I hope that you will be able to act on some of the advice you’ve received. I know it’s not easy but keep going! Teresa xx

Another quick thought… why don’t you put the house on the market now and start looking for a bungalow?

A project could be a great thing… and new house, new location, new start!

Pat x

I have lost most of my friends since diagnosed but they are the ones I used to play sports with and party with now I’m of no use to them. Their loss I think I’m still the same person just broken. I did worry that my wife of 20 years would be better of with a unbroken model but that’s how I felt not her. She’s my rock and I do hope it works out for you. The thing I always say is " glass half full " she tells me that all the time and it is important not to let this horrible disease beat you . I don’t

The one thing you have to consider is that although you have the disease and are loosing yourself bit by bit , she is loosing you as we’ll . As my wife tells me it’s heartbreaking for her to see me how I am now to how I was then. I think it’s harder for those that love you to see MS taking you from them

[quote=“Snow Leopard”]

Another quick thought… why don’t you put the house on the market now and start looking for a bungalow?

A project could be a great thing… and new house, new location, new start!

Pat x

[/quote] It’s a thought Pat but to be honest I can’t be done with hassle of sorting it out myself. I’ve looked to the future today by printing off the claim for lone occupier to reduce my Council Tax bill and arranging for a water meter to be installed. Penny pinching but needs must. I even enquired about Disability Tax Credits but started blubbing again when I was asked outright “so you’re splitting up are you?” As neither myself nor my “ex” (I hated putting that) work on a Wednesday, I asked her to come round when she wants to see how I’m doing.

[quote=“EricT”] The one thing you have to consider is that although you have the disease and are loosing yourself bit by bit , she is loosing you as we’ll . As my wife tells me it’s heartbreaking for her to see me how I am now to how I was then. I think it’s harder for those that love you to see MS taking you from them [/quote] Thanks Eric, it’s not the MS she’s leaving because of, it’s the grumpy old bloke who has it.

Glass half full Mr Grumpy there are a hell of a lot people out there suffering more than us. Hope things work out for you.

Well she’s gone. Had her alarm set for 6am and I’m knackered. Rang me Mam today and spoke to her for the first time since telling her, I wept incontrollably and she could kill her. The stress of it all as done me in and my walking’s worse than normal and slipped on the stairs carrying my washing down. Putting my feet up for the rest of the day. When I saw what she was taking I said “I thought you weren’t taking much as opposed to not leaving me much.”

Question for you my friends. I’m on the high rate for Carers Allowance. Does the DWP need to be told that my carer no longer lives here. Also I intend ringing the Disability Tax Credit helpline to tell them that the household incoming wage has reduced dramatically to see if I qualify for the Tax credits based on that as I was originally refused based on the significant other’s wage.

Hi Mr Grumpy, wouldn’t it be better to use the allowance and have a carer come in?

If you’re not having a carer, I think you better tell them as I think you have to use that money for care (but I don’t get carer’s allowance so could be wrong).

Sounds good about the tax credits.

You are going through the worst time in relationship break-down. Try and remember that it WILL get easier. It takes time and this beginning bit is unbearably painful… but many of us have been through it and you do survive and it does get better.

Pat x

Hi Pat. I’ve read the decision to award the benefit and part of it is because I need attention with bodily functions more than once a night and several times at short intervals through the day. If only my ex took this into account before she left me. I’m frightened to tell them about the tax credits as they may link the two together, so if it’s not broke don’t fix it… Will they be able to advise on the MS helpline but I think I saw it written that they don’t deal with benefits. Obviously a carer won’t be here at night, so I presume it would mean paying for domestic help, like cleaning and ironing etc. All this stress could have been avoided if she didn’t move out. My Mam says she will take care of the domestic duties so in effect I have a carer, the only difference being that she won’t be spending the night in the same house. I didn’t pay my ex to live here so I don’t know why I was given the highest rate.

I’ve already drafted a letter to DWP about my change of circumstances. My Mam is going to prepare and cook meals for me and do shopping and domestic duties. I’ll pay for her expenses. Best I can hope for is the bottom rate of care so I’ll lose £50 on that. I’ve set my bedroom immediately next to the bathroom as she won’t be there overnight obviously. Hopefully I’ll qualify for Tax Credits. My ex has a lot to answer to.