Partner Suffering from MS - Mood Swings

Caring for someone with MS
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Hi there, my partner was diagnosed with MS around 7 years, we have been together 5 years. I am really struggling with the mood swings…and I don’t know how to cope. She can’t work, and therefore stays at home, we live in the countryside about 5 miles from the town centre. I work Mon-Fri full time.

She is mobile, but is not active at all. She sits in all day, watching TV or playing games on the laptop. The only time she will move is to let the pets into the garden go to the toilet or get a cup of coffee. I make her lunch before I go to work otherwise she won’t eat.

My fear is by being so inactive - it will not help the situation and her mobility will reduce further. She is very opinionated to such an extent it has driven any friends away, and sometimes it is so hard to have a conversation without arguing because her opinion is always right and I cannot have an opinion unless it is the same. This in turn causes an argument as I am not commutative enough and have no conversation. When I do try and have a conversation, the discussion always turns negative, everyone at my work are the worst people under the sun, my friends are all terrible so it makes it hard to have conversations as I don’t like my friends being slandered.

I feel she begrudges me going out to work and leaving her, she is often (few times a month) asking me to take a day off, to be at home and I am not one for phoning in sick so this causes arguments - I am putting work first. I spend all my holidays for doctors appointment, hospital appointment for her as she wont go on her own.

We argue a lot and she gets verbally nasty, and says hurtful things.

I feel stuck and I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where to get help.

I don’t know whether I am being unsupportive and harsh, but I feel she needs to help herself a bit more.

Please give me your views…

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Well hark, I don’t mince my words and I’m not going to do it now. Your partner isn’t the only one “suffering with ms”. You BOTH are! With or without ms, it appears to me there would be a problem in the relationship anyway. I don’t believe her problem is having ms, but apathy. Be strong and tell her what you’re feeling. Ask her has she considered why no friends visit. Lay it on the table, she needs to make some sort of effort. If she isn’t prepared to make some changes to her existence, you can make changes to yours. Unless you truly love her, I’d be looking for somewhere else to live. I genuinely wish you the very best of luck.

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Htak. I’m so sorry! Damn predictive text. :-/

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Hi Poppy,

Thank you so much for your honest reply. I was half expecting to be told I was being unsuportive and selfish. I think sometimes you start to doubt yourself. I thought I was not fully understanding about MS, but I kept thinking to myself there is more to this than MS.

I do love her, but I can feel my love fading due to this situation. I am not a quiter, and I hate giving up and it frustrates me to not be able to improve the situation. I know if I approach this situation on my own it will turn bad she will get nasty and undoubtedly threaten to take her life (as she has done so many times in the past). I have tried talking to her family, but they don’t seem to see this side - or chose not to. They attack me saying I should be there with her when she is in these moods - to be honest I want to be as far away as possible to get out of the firing line!

I feel my life is slipping away, as I have no time for anyone else in my life, work home, work home. When I’m at home I have the usual house hold chores to do.

Do you think there are any other options other than leaving? Would her doctor talk to me, and MS nurse? I just don’t know who to talk to.

Thanks again for your help.

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Well, I suppose there are a few routes you could go down, but you really need both of you to do this. Choose your moment carefully and tell her you want to discuss some things that have been on your mind. Ask her to hear you out. Explain how low and unappreciated you feel and how even though she’s the one with the diagnosis, it’s a shitty illness that has an affect on BOTH of your lives. Have the number for a local ms community support group to hand and leave it with her. Encourage her to get information from them, what services they provide. Suggest it as an “outing”, rather than an “appointment”. (IT took me 12 months to check out mine and I’m so glad I did. I have a weekly massage, bit of physio, coffee and a chat, only if I want it. No pressure, no questions, but lots of information from the others that attend). Btw, I live down a lane in a rural area. I still drive but not long journeys now. Does she have the means to get about independently? A car, wheelchair of scooter?

Ask if you can both see ms nurse and/or gp. Tell her there are things YOU need to talk about with them too. If she’s not willing to meet you half way, then I think you need to look at counseling, as a couple or on your own. She may well be stuck in a downward spiral of depression without realising it. Then again, it may well be her nature. Either way, she needs to understand it’s not just about her. There are two of you in the relationship and neither of you are happy. Life is too short to live it that way. You deserve more respect as her partner.

If she pulls the “I’ll take my own life” card, personally I’d reply “I might take mine first!”, but that is the argumentative, feisty side of me! and probably not very helpful! :slight_smile:

Seriously,you need to share this, what you’ve written here, with someone. Someone real, who can listen. Is there anyone you can talk to? Obviously you’re not getting help or understanding from her family. (I would be asking them what their reasons for not visiting, taking her out, are?). If not what you are enduring will continue to smoulder until it explodes. I admire your perseverance and unwillingness to give up, as you put it, but any happy, successful relationship has to be a two way thing. It doesn’t sound like yours is.

Incidentally, I was diagnosed only May 2015. Ppms and losing my mobility rapidly. Hubby is my carer and truly patient with my tears and tantrums. However they are never directed at him, but my ms. We have always respected each other’s opinions and personal ways. Ms has come into our lives uninvited, but even though some things have changed or things we do might have to be done differently now, it won’t change our relationship. Please talk to someone, because whether your relationship survives or not, everyone needs someone to talk to.

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Hi, I fully understand the situation you’re in and empathise.

I am the disabled one in our house and for 11 years my hubby was my sole carer. I need help with lots of things…ie most things actually!

My hubby is a real home bird and only goes out for necessary things like food shopping, medical appointments and our poodle’s grooming visits.

But I crave other things and he does take me to places and collect me, as I don’t drive anymore.

I set myself up with a team of 3 part time carers, who take me out and on short breaks. This gives him a rest from his caring duties.

Our lives are so different from how we imagined they would be…but we still enjoy what we do.

I urge you to discuss getting carers in, who will cheer your wife up and make life so much better.

I pay for this help with Direct Payments. Social services organised it all and I can’t recommend it highly enough.

Pollx

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l really feel for you as it looks like this situation you are ‘both’ in will only worsen as time goes by.

You say she is mobile - but chooses to sit down all day. Which sounds to me more like depression. l cannot walk unaided - now - and l still get out on my Tramper scooter with my dogs every day - whatever the weather. We go over fields and tracks. l have had MS for 34yrs - and have never let it stop me from doing things. Recently l gave up horse-riding - but now my daughter has a new horse - l am tempted to have another go. lts my animals that get me up in the morning - as l am responsible for their care and happiness.

l have friends with no health problems who wouldn’t dream of doing the things l do.

For a start - l never sit down all day - except for sitting on my scooter when l go out. The rest of the time l am clinging onto my rollator to hold me up.

So l think you will find your friend was most likely to be one of those people who sit and let everyone else get on with it - before she had the MS.

lf she was left on her own - she would possible be able to get help from carers - or it might just give her a shove to get herself out of the terrible ‘ditch’ she has dug for herself.

Don’t be ‘blackmailed’ into feeling responsible - Life goes so quick and we have to get on with it - make the most it. This is not a ‘rehearsal’ - this is it.

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Hello htak.Just wondering how your weekend has been?

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Hi Poppy,

Had a great weekend thank you so much for asking, how was your weekend? No mood swings in our house… and I got her out and about. She even took the dogs out on her own with her scooter.

Thank you to everyone with their comments, its so nice to hear such positive attitudes from everyone on how they manage the situation and the advice is brilliant.

I take on board what’s been said, and I know I will have to pick my moment to have the discussion. I am on holiday next week, and we have our 2 nephews coming for a week, so we have been planning some trips out so we are both really looking forward to that, so I will have to wait until after to have the discussion.

Boudica, thank you or your advice about carers, I will look into that.

Spacejacket, I love your attitude to caring for your animals and going out daily on your tramper…I have to ask would you recommend the Tramper for off road use?

Once again thank you so much for you comments, it makes a difference being able to talk to someone.

THANK YOU

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Ah that’s good to read. Just being outside will surely lift the spirits. :slight_smile: Why not “remind” her about the weekend and say how good it felt to be out together and how she seemed happier etc. Doing the dog walk on her own must boost her moral a bit.

My weekend was good, thanks. Considering how very low and tearful I had been last week, (not like me at all!), I was glad that turned around. We took a drive to a marina about 40 mins away, had a cheap lunch out and sat and watched the boats while we ate ice cream! And all the time we had great conversation. Loved it. I :slight_smile:

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lf you google Tramper scooter- you will see they are almost all-terrain scooters - not the ‘shopper’ type. Very sturdy - l hook the dogs leads onto the scooter arm - and they cannot pull it over. And thats with 2 Rotties - a Deerhound/Greyhound x and a Romanian sheepdog. This is the second one for me - the first was a well worn secondhand one - which when l traded it in for a new Tramper they gave me back the same as l had paid for it.

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Hi Poppy, and Spacejacket,

Thanks for the reply. I am glad you had a good weekend Poppy sounds like you needed it. I have 2 nephews coming to stay for a week, and a week off work. So I have planned lots of days out so it should be a fun time.

The weekend before last I hired a motor boat, and we went out on it for 3 hours and had a picnic on the boat, it was great there is something calming about being out on the water, it really slows down the pace of life! Well I suppose only if its a slow boat and not a speed boat lol.

I have looked at the tramper scooters, space jacket, they look awesome…just a bit pricey.

Whereabouts are you both, I am in the UK, its nice chatting to you both.

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I’m in county Kerry, Irish Republic. We are just a few fields back from the sea. No view of it from the house, but in the still of the night we can hear it. You’re right about something calming. Even on a wild stormy day in winter, see will park up somewhere and just sit and look at it in all its glory. I used to walk on a shingle beach nearby in winter, to blow away the cobwebs. I miss that. I find the wind invigorating! Have fun with the nephews. Do they like fishing? That’s a cool way to pass time, even if you don’t catch anything. :slight_smile:

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Now you’ve got me googling motor boat hire! :-):-):slight_smile:

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Hi Poppy, well I can thoroughly recommend the motor boats we had lots of fun. Im not sure if our nephews like fishing or not. They live in London, so we going show them around North Yorkshire. We are going to take them down a coal mine, go to the railway museum and then on a steam train. We also have plans to go to underground caves, and go play crazy golf. So should be fun. Plus it will be nice to take advantage of extra pairs of hands and tackle our outside sheds which need decluttering!

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Sounds like s wonderful plan. Just make sure your partner doesn’t overdo it!

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Most of the fields have been combined now - so l make the most of being able to get across the ‘stubble’ on my Tramper - with the dogs. Had a wonderful run this morning. Saw deer and muntjac - [so did the dogs] - it was a bit bumpy - but l do so enjoy the freedom of getting across acres of lovely farmland. Dogs are all asleep now - having run themselves silly. l carry a set of tracks to use in case l do get bogged down - but so far have managed without. Local game-keeper calls my scooter ‘Castrol’ - because it gets everywhere.

Look for a secondhand Tramper – or TGA do some brilliant 3wheeled heavy going scooters. Mine is 4 wheeled - but in the past l have had 3 wheeled ones and they are easier to manouvre - you don’t get stuck in ‘ruts’. l know the lightweight 3wheelers are not very stable - the shopper types - but the bigger wheeled ones are good. Tramper have bought out a new 3 wheeler- which l would like to have a go on.

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This sounds brutal, but I think you need to walk.That sort of emotional blackmail is a deal-breaker in my book, and MS is no excuse. Unless you relish the thought of this little psychodrama being played out in one form or another in your living room for the next 50 years, you need to bite the bullet and make a clean break. You already know that really, most likely. Give yourself permission and get on with it.

Alison

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Good Morning All,

How is everyone this morning? Poppy…did you get anywhere looking at motor boat hire??

Spacejacket, the tramper does sound awesome, would love to be able to get one. I will look out of second hand ones…but they seem extremely rare - they must be good no one wants to part with them! The TGA’s do look good too, I have been watching a few of them on Ebay.

Alison, thanks for your comments, I know exactly what your saying and deep down I know your right and thats probably how it will end sadly but I will persevere for the time being and hope there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks all for the input…you are all so helpful…and it has certainly helped me getting things off my chest. :slight_smile:

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Have a wonderful time together with your partner and nephews. Make everyday a good memory.

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