My partner has MS that has been getting worse at an increasing rate for the last 3-4 years. She was diagnosed while pregnant with our daughter who is now 7. It has always been a struggle to get her to talk or deal with her condition even to the point that lately she’d rather fall over than accept a supporting arm when walking. Last summer (2011) I told her I couldn’t carry on like this and would leave her if she didn’t go to her GP and get referred back to the nurologist for help/treatment which she did. Since then she has started interferon beta and had some physiotherapy but still turns down a lot of potential help. She has a lot of trouble speaking but blames everyone else for not listening to her, she turned down speach therapy, and now has great difficulty swallowing.
She had a fall a month ago and has been in hosptital since where they put in a stomach tube but this week she has started eating puree’d food again. I’ve just had the OT and discharge nurse come to the house to see what need to be put in place for her to come home but the reality is I just can’t face having to live with her again. Our relationship had already broken down to the point where we barely talked unless it was to organise some aspect of our daughter life, we barely seem to be able to tolerate each others presence we irritate each other so much, we’ve not been in the same room apart from when I’ve brought her her meals and we’re both slumped in front of the tv.
Both myself and my daughter are so much happier now we’re living on our own, her school work has improved and she’s getting on better with her friends. The point is if my partner didn’t have MS I’d leave her today and typing this and the thought of her coming home is making me feel sick, my heart race and chest tighten. I don’t like myself for feeling this way and very guilty about the idea of abandoning her. Of course I feel incredibly sorry for her but I just can’t live with her and don’t know what to do, move out and take my daughter with me?
Oh my goodness…this is a really sad state of affairs and obviously one that needs attention asap!
I was going to ask/suggest about getting some help in via Direct Payments. This has been a godsend to help me and my hubby cope with my disability.
But that means actually asking for help…which your lass isnt prepared to do.
you need someone to talk to her…away from you …someone impartial. is there a family member who could help with this? She needs to have it explained, just how intolerable the current situation is damaging your relationship.
I wonder if this could be someone at the hospital, before she is discharged. Social services?
Life for the 3 of you cannot continue as it is/has been.
You must let her and the hospital know about your feelings. Sad though it is she may be able to get an apartment in a disabled housing complex. It has to be arranged now.
You and your daughter have a right to a decent quality of life Andy [and I speak as the one in our house with MS]. If it isn’t working it has to be fixed. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet. It doesn’t sound as though you have any reason to feel guilty but if you don’t take steps now you could end up with you and your daughter hating partner/mum.
is the house owned by you? I’m in the same position - kids aged 8 and 5. The 8 year old is badly affected. The kids have a social worker, as does my husband, but they can’t force my husband to go into full time care as the house is his (even though I paid towards it for 12 years, when I gave up to look after hubby and our baby daughter).
I have been told that I should just divorce him - but my eldest will not entertain the thought of leaving the only house he’s ever known, and where my in laws are close by. So I’m stuck. 2 nights ago my husband threatened “to punch my face in” because I refused to take my bed into his room to sleep (his snoring is SO bad!). That was in front of the 8 year old. Last night he told me he knows I’ve got breast cancer (I don’t have any health issues at all) - kept calling me back into the room, he was so adamant (again the 8yr old heard). But, they claim he has mental capacity, so cannot force him into respite or full time care, regardless of the damage to the kids.
Our only repsite is when he’s in hospital. My 8yr old tells me he hates dad cos he’s being so selfish, and refuses to bring his friends to play in case dad’s in a bad mood.
I’m meeting his brother this week to tell him I can’t carry on - message me if you just want to offload
hello, AndyGS, I just want to say how sad I am for you, your daughter and your partner but the responses here already are right you need to talk to someone professional about these, as well as to yor partner. Perhaps getting professional mediation might help? it sounds strange going from your joint home to anothe place to talk but I have seen it work for some people. You are entitled to a Carers assessment by your local Adult social services team. I know the services are of variable quality, but you should think about giving it a go if you haven’t already.
Hello also to Sje,
you also have my sympathies. I hope you don’t mind but I’d like to offer that even if things do end in divorce for you, who paid for' houses etc doesn't come into it when you have a child. Legally it is possible for you to get both a posession order and an ousting order’, where after family courts decide who remains in a joint home- invariably the one who has main care of the child, an unwilling partner can be removed from the property.
I have to add that I am concerned for you and for your children. Threatening to hit you is domestic abuse. You do not have to be hit, or actually hurt. Your child or children knowing about it is included in the definition of child abuse these days, which children’s services have to make an assessment of. I know it must be really hard to share your private business with professionals rather than anonymously offload like on here, but i hope you find the strength to do so. This should be raised with your children’s social worker, and your partner’s.
However awful MS is, it does not give us the right to hurt others.