I just feel so sad

Everyday living
1

I don’t know what’s going on with me at the moment, I just feel so sad. I really feel like everything is falling apart, I feel that I have nothing going for me and there doesnt really seem much point carrying on.

After a major relapse I had to move out of my flat because I could not physically walk up the stairs. My best friend very kindly offered to rent me the spare room in her house, she was a godsend and without her I would have been homeless. But it meant I left my flat, I had to leave all of my things as I have no room for them in my bedroom. The move just after Christmas co-incided with me having to sell my car after a bad bout of optic neuritis left me feeling that I wasn’t safe to drive anymore. I had to say goodbye to my flat, my car and my independence.

I recently decided to move in with my girlfriend. Due to my dx we have some very strict criteria for the place we want to live, most importantly we want to live within a specific area so that my medical care will not be affected.

We have now looked at every single house within that area and they are either unsuitable or someone pips us to the post when it comes to signing up to them. Now there is nothing left.

Dont even get me started on the council housing lists or council housing benefit. I have been trying since the 1st April and I am still getting nowhere! I have never encountered such rude, unhelpful and uneducated people in my life!

I have been on sick leave since December, I cant see myself being able to go back to work. I am going to let everyone down. I have had such a battle trying to get benefits, my sick pay runs out next week and the battle will start all over again.

My step dad was hospitalised this week with a clot on his lung. My sister is in a violent relationship and there is nothing I can do to help. My mum is having financial worries and I am a strain on her because I have nothing of my own.

I am just so sad. I cant see the reason to fight anymore. Before I was ill things were running along smoothly. I was confident, I was fun, I had a career and I was going places. Now I can barely walk, I cant see properly, I cant hear properly.I dont leave the house so I have nothing to talk about, I dont drink, I cant walk round the shops.

I’m not going to do anything stupid I just cant see the point anymore. I cant find the energy to fight all these battles, it just doesnt seem worth it

2

Oh and I forgot to mention that the best friend who I am living with is not talking to me. I dont know what I’ve done. I clearly am not good to live with as I must have done something to upset her. Another reason to give up.

3

hi moselygirl

you have really been through the mill. just the ms is more than enough for anyone to cope with but you have such a lot more to contend with.

i’m sure you know that these runs of bad luck don’t last forever.

you sound as though you have always been the person who gets things done and who looks after everyone else.

in fact you sound like a fantastic person.

lesser people would crack under all this stress but you won’t because you are strong, a survivor.

i’m sorry that i can’t offer any practical help but i’m sending you hugs.

believe in yourself

carole xxxxxxx

4

Hi Moseleygirl,

Well when I found myself thinking like you I had to take stock of what I did have left and start again with a new agenda. I too lost everything years ago, my car, home, then came along ms to stop me taking up a career as psychologist.

Sometimes we cannot see the wood for the trees. I think personally you need to begin to like yourself once more, start complimenting those who are helping you, try stop looking inwards and look outwards. Nobody has nothing to give, be it a smile, a listening ear or sharing on here to help the day pass by.

Make a list of your priorities, or get friend to list one thing you would like to achieve and try work towards it. Yes the authorities are hard to deal with but if you know who to ring and where. Do you have any help agencies nearby who you can contact via phone and arrange for them to come and visit with a view to helping you achieve your aims of a new address etc. If not look to see if there are any advocates in the area, they too have contacts and can help guide you through things.

In the meantime what are your hobbies, likes, - join groups, clubs, or start going out with friends, because if you dont make the effort you will be seen as stay at home Joe moping about your plight. Nobody likes anyone who gives up because the world doesnt come without effort.

If your ms is getting you down, ring the ms nurse, then please look in the mirror and say: Im going to change my life starting today then go ahead and do it. Life can be rescued and in time you will learn to laugh once more. Not all is lost, your just in a mire for the time being, but there is a door to open and get out of it, I assure you.

take care,

bren

x

5

Sadly I think I’ve also learned that its never a good idea to lodge with a friend who then becomes your landlord. All kinds of irritations, resentments and jealosies that we may normally only feel safe meting out and detoxifying amongst close family members (like sibling rivalry, husband and wife bickering) can be stoked up by living in each others personal space. It may be that you really havent done anything of any great significance at all to deserve the ill feeling, so dont blame yourself.

With housing, I wonder if you should consider applying to various Housing Associations, some of whom will have a remit to provide housing to people facing your kind of difficulties. Do I take it that the cost of buying property is not out of the question? If the cost is beyond reach I wonder if you could consider what I think they call Park homes or Static Homes which obviously have their down sides, but might at least be afforded. Maybe also you are being too strict and need to rlax your criteria. I’m not clear why your medical care can’t viably continue outside a specified area.

6

I cant really add to the advice others have given you other than maybe phone the ms helpline to see if there is something you havent yet tried.

I too have been in your situation of losing everything,I had two small children but ms hadnt reared its head by then…and yes the thought of coping financially paralized me with fear.

I am here to tell the tale,but it wasnt easy…but as Bren says only you can change it, and you may not like some of the changes but see them as stepping stones. I moved my kids from a large comfortable house to a flat above a bank with no heating,but 4yrs later when other stuff was sorted we moved into a house of choice.

I appreciate that you are constantly left in limbo by the benefits people so you dont know what you will have coming in,but try to talk to CAB etc so you get help from people who know the system.

Have you talked to your neuro/gp to ensure you are getting all the symptom management possible?

Is there anyway with your job you could manage to do a phased return on ammended duties?

You know we are always here.

Pip

7

Hope you are feeling a little better today :slight_smile: x

8

We’ve been there, before christmas I hit rock bottom, fatigue was crippling, my balance was shot I was barely coming out of one relapse before another one hit, I was looking after 4 children, my OH had been out of work for a year, I gave up my house to move in with him (because we had both had a reasonable income previously tax credits were coming in at £50 a month), we were living on my sick pay, a payment from my ex for the big ones. We then had the big downer that as they had been unable to take the direct debit for my oH’s car insurance he wasn’t insured, but we only found this out after he was stopped by the police. Christmas was cancelled, we could barely afford to heat the house, there was no job in sight. We then had to sit down and make some serious decisions, the first of which was for my OH to re-enlist in the Army, which would mean we could sell our house that we were struggling to maintain (we had a massive damp problem that infested the girls wardrobe) and move into married quarters, pay off our debts and start afresh. I might then start feeling better.

Its taking time, he got accepted back into the Army (in the meantime he was lucky enough to get some agency driving work, enoough to pay the mortgage and council tax), he has now been back in 3 weeks. We have the house on the market (just waiting to hear if the buyer will up their offer), I’ve started Tysabri, we get married in 3 weeks. Unfortunately work situation is still stressing me, and I’m home alone during the week. I don’t know which way is up at the minute I’m so tired. I’m still pessimistic but things are moving in the right direction, until the house sells money is still a major issue (our idea of a treat is a bottle of beer and maybe some chocolate if we are lucky).

I think you have to hit that rock bottom before you can come up. I look back and think lesser people would have been floored without the added complication of me having MS but we have managed to turn things around with a plan. Its taken longer than we thought but we are about 50% of the way out of the hole now, and it is lightening the load a little bit.

9

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I really appreciate everything that everyone has said. I am indeed feeling better than I did, I don’t feel great but I feel better than I did! It helped to talk, once I had written them on here I was able to say them out loud to people around me, it made a difference. I know life is full of ups and downs for everyone, I just wish the lows didn’t have to be quite so low!! Thanks again, Zoe x