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I don't want Gareth to be embarrassed by me

I hate it that Gareth is going to see me deteriorate. The way I walk and the way I have to hold my drink with two hands and can’t cut my own food or talk properly embarrasses me I can’t imagine how much it embarrasses him. I’ve asked him to promise me that he’ll leave me if it all gets too much. I don’t want to be a burden on him, ruin his life and make him miserable

Hey Rebecca, sorry you are feeling down today. I know how you feel as my memory is terribly husband is always mad at me and yelling coz i forgot something important and i know with ms you need a crystal ball to see the future, ut it not always guaranteed to be at our best. I think that if he loves you (which i sure he does as does my hubby) that regardless of how much we embarrass them or upset them forgetting things etc…that they wouldn’t leave or do anything of the sort!

It is a matter of talking and letting them help. I let hubby take over conversations sometimes as it stops me saying stupid things…i am ok with thtat esp when meeting new people, as i get comfy i talk and dont worry about upsetting anyone as much! He gives me confidence and security that i wont cock it up. I sure yor hubby feels the same way and will help and support you no matter what.

If…and i mean if…things do get worse, then get some help so its not all on him! Thats what support is for! Please smile and just remember to make a fuss of him and thank him and i sure it will be enough…oh and some lovin always helps LOL!

MS is hard and it seriously sucks, but we need our partners more than ever and i hope that he agrees and can make light or fun of bad days and keep strong in the knowledge that a good day is just around the corner. Chin up…hugs and kisses!

Lea xx

Oh hun. I understand where your coming from as I’ve had similar thoughts about my hubbie esp when I was first diagnosed. But I ask you this if it waa the other way round what would you do? I think I know the answer would be stay and be there for him because you love him abd he is still that man. I’m sure Gareth feels like this and may I ask what his response was? Also please remember at the moment you’re in relapse. Things may be different in a few weeks fingers crossed. Relapses make us very down underatabdably and coupled with that you’ve got post pregnancy hormones raging in that system of yours. Please stop fretting you’ll do yourself no good at all. I jnow initially when I was diagnosed I hadn’t even been married a year. When I said to my hubbie id understand if ge didn’t want to stay esp as we had no children at that time … his responses was a few sware words and a hug ans then reassurance that he loves me despite this awful disease and in relapse I get them thoughts again and the reassurance is still there. Love Lisa xxx

Ahh bless you. I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband and I have had a few heated discussions abut this, with me saying pretty much the same as you, and him getting cross and saying he will never do that. But I can’t stand the thought of my husband being my carer, even though if the shoe was on the other foot I would be exactly the same as him, without hesitation. I guess I want my husband to love me as a woman not care for me as a disabled person. I hope that makes sense, It really upsets him when I bring this up so I have decided to shut up for now lol

I think a lot of us have had these thoughts. Remember you are in relapse and things will get better for you. When im feeling like this and feeling worthless I just look at my children who need me. I seem to have more of an issue with my ms than my husband as he is more of a positive person than me and just wants me with him. I lost use of my left hand and couldnt cut up food etc, I started doing excercises straight away tapping each finger to my thumb as much as possible throught the day. This really helped and it was only a matter of weeks before I could cut food again and its now fine although the effects of the relapse ie fatigue pain etc went on longer. Rest as much as possible, excercise your hand and allowed yourself to feel down. Its all a process and you will feel better.I took my 15 yr old to my neuro appointment last week and whilst waiting felt very down, everyone was limping or in scooters and I said this to him, he said you might not be lucky enough to get to this point u might get run over tomorrow and this is my new mantra. No one knows what the future holds, yes we have ms and will face issues along the way but we still have alot to give. I tend to feel really down every time of the month and my husband recognises this now and puts me straight so no wonder, post having a new baby and in relapse you feel like this. There are new drugs all the time so we live in hope that we can be as able and healthy as possible xxx sending hugs

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Rebecca! Slow down. I don’t know your medical history or what type of MS you have ( if indeed you have a definite diagnosis, yet), but talk like this is unhealthy for you and Gareth. I’m relatively new to this sh&**** too and I DO understand what you’re saying. I was exactly the same with my husband ie, " I’ll understand if you want to split, “Just go, I understand” etc etc. But, Stuart ( my husband) said, " How dare you? You’re my wife, we’re in this together". I could see the pain in his face too, whilst I was experiencing constant and painful musle spasms, and, like he said, " There’s nothing I can do to help. I feel useless". And, he wasn’t embarrassed too, when we ventured out and I had a spasm that really highlighted my spasticity. He took my hand and hugged me til it passed. But I’m through this relapse almost and life is beginning to return to semi-normality and it will for you too. But, I’m on a mission, because this is a battle and I WILL NOT be the victim. Arm yourself with all the armery you can muster: try and exercise your muscles as best you can, look at your diet (I can recommend some very good books, if you like, or check out my other stuff on this forum, because I’d make a very good Literary Agent and have been mentioning them here and there. Keep strong, Rebecca! there is very strong scientific knowledge that exercise, diet and PMA ( Positive Mental Attitude) will all aid your recovery. Best of luck and keep strong!!!

Thank you so much for your support again. Apart from Gareth (in text messages because I’m a wimp) this is the only place I can say how I feel. Gareth said he loves me no matter what and called me a numpty for saying about him leaving but like you I hate the thought of him being my carer and him not being able to do the things he wants to do

Rebecca- none of us knows what is around the corner, or how our lives will pan out. I am fiercely independent and if I can do it myself I will- even if I look slightly pathetic in the process. You might not even get to that stage. Just take each day as it comes and take some nice deep breaths…and concentrate on that armory of weapons. Keep strong X

Rebecca I’m sure your hubby feels exactly the same about you as he did prior to MS. I’ve said it to my hubby on more than one occasion only to be told "I married you for better or worse & in sickness & in health and I’m going no where. Your going through a pretty rough time at the moment and I’m sure it’s the recent birth of your youngest that’s triggered it I was the same 6/7 weeks after both of mine but in time it did get earsier. Hang on in there love and accept any help that is offered to you. Sue xx

Can’t add anymore to what the good people on here have said…Rebecca, todays feelings will pass and tomorrows a new day, relapses are absolute sh*t but you will start to feel better about things when the relapse starts to calm down. Hang on in there xx

Hi Rebecca, ay luv! I knowexactly what you mean.

Please can I give you a bit of old hand advice?

My hubby and I have been married going on 42 years…crikey…yeh, I know!

I digress…he was my sole carer for 11 years. My journey progressed quite rapidly and he saw all the changes. Our husband/wife relationship suffered, as he said he couldnt think of me like he used to. That hurt me and the gap widened between us.

So, heres the tip...........I felt we should get outside help, to make me feel less of a burden or embarrassed about the level of care he was giving me, and said so. He was adamant that it was his job and no-one elses to look after me.

After another 2 years, I saw a social worker about it and i bit the bullet and risked his wrath and applied for Direct Payments. He wasn`t happy…but…

2 years later, he totally agrees that we should`ve done it earlier.

So if you can, get some outside help BEFORE the same rift happens to you two, eh?

Just another thought, I may have offended some folk with that last remark…what happened to us, may not happen to someone else, so apologies for that.

pollx

ps. this thing happened to both of us…

Hi rebecca how long have you and gareth been together ?I am sure he wouldnt be embarrased by you its not your fault you didnt ask to be ill.I am the career of my husband who is both registered blind and has ms.I myself was bad and had to go into hospital now found i had a pleural effusion of right chest/rib.After being sent home by one hospital told it was intestinal problem pain under rib got worse ended up going into another local hospital.He was worrying about me i was worrying about him luckly family and friends offered to help.Have you family for support? have you spoken to them of your fears?.I am sure you have lots of people who love you and would help you if you needed it.Please dont feel you are a burden your still the same person inside xxxx julie

Hi beleive me he wont feel the wayyour thinking,my husband said how can you fancy me like this,i said mick its you i love,i feel proud of mick in front of people,not embarressed.i know it sounds silly but i think i even love him more.sending love christine xxx