I don't know what to do (not MS)

I’m sorry to post something like this, and anonomously, I just don’t know where else to turn.

I’ve had depression on and off for about 10 years, thankfully more off than on. I’ve got stronger over the years, but started feeling bad last Sept/Oct so took myself off to my brilliant GP. She referred me to a Mental Health practitioner. I started with weekly sessions, then fortnightly, and more recently monthly. It was so painful to start with, digging over old ground, acknowledging the things that happened to make me feel like this but we made good progress, and am now focusing on the present, and the issues I have with myself and my family. There are still a few ‘boxes left to open’ but I’ve been going in the right direction. I was on holiday last week and got a message to say she is off sick, for at least two to four weeks. It really shook me up, I was due to see her today. I didn’t realise just how reliant I have become on that hour where I can stop being the funny/happy/helpful one. I happened to see my GP yesterday, and got the impression from her expression that she thinks she will be off a lot longer than 4 weeks.

She suggested I see someone else, but I don’t think I’ve got the strength to go back over old ground and start again. It’s taken so long to get here, but it scares me that I won’t have that contact for a long time. My life has been such a mess, starting from the beginning seems pointless. It scares me that I’ve become so reliant. Maybe I need to realise I can’t see her for the rest of my life and now is a good oppotunity to break the ties, sink or swim.

Do I start again with someone new, wait until she is back, or just finish it all together?

I’m ususally a happy poster, and want to be known as one, so that is why I’ve gone anon. My GP and nurse are the only people who know I have these sessions, so I couldn’t think of anywhere else to come for advice.

I was seeing a psychologist and like you looked forward to a hour when I could be honest and not feel that I had to put on a front. I was getting along great and then he got another job. I couldn’t face seeing someone else but I had some issues still to resolve so I gave it a go.

Like you, the thought of going over everything again was a real worry. However the new lady had gone over my notes with great care and we more or less picked up where I had left off with the previous guy. Of course it wasn’t seamless – we had to build up a relationship before I felt completely comfortable but it was by no means back to the beginning. If you feel that you still need some guidance I would ask to see a new person. – it is up to them to decide if you need to be weaned off – I don’t think you need to think in terms of sink or swim.

Good Luck

Thank you Wendels, thank you

I don’t know why I’ve got myself in such a state. I’ve had a tough couple of weeks but I’ve had far, far worse. I’ve really hit the bottle tonight, and even found myself looking at a penknife in a different light (hangs head in shame)

Funnily enough my Mental Health lady’s boss rung shortly after I posted. She asked how I was, and if I want to see someone else. I mostly cried, but we agreed she is going to ring me on Mon 3rd to update me on her return to work date and ask me again if I want to see someone else.

I really do feel like I still need guidance, I don’t want to be two different people anymore, I want to try merge into just one normal (whatever that is) person…

My GP has said I can see her everyday if I need, but its not needed and there really are other people who need those 8 minutes more than me

Hello Anonymous,

I’m so sorry you are feeling so low at the moment. You don’t say in your original post if you are on any medication. I’ve taken Cipralex ( Escitalapram) for about 8 years now as I was in a constant “gloom” and very narky with my nearest and dearest. I have weaned myself off it a couple of times for about 3-4 months, but went back on it as the glooms reared their ugly head. Not sure if you would be amenable to this if you don’t take something already, but it has helped me become an optimistic human being again.

My experience has been that there is such an inadequate supply of mental health support, so if you have had contact from your practitioner’s boss to check on you, that seems quite promising. I don’t think you should throw in the towel now and if your usual practitioner is going to be off for an extended period, I would certainly take them up on their offer of a replacement just to keep yourself on their radar, and hopefully you will build a good relationship with him/her too.

I’m really pleased to hear that your GP is good. As I said in another post, they are worth their weight in gold when they are so supportive, but sometimes they don’t have all the answers. I really hope you get the help and support you need over the coming weeks. PM me if you wish.

Take care

Alison x

Hi Alison

Thank you so much for your reply. I have taken Citalopram on and off for about 10 years. I’ve been on 20mg since October. I actually agreed to stick with 20mg with my GP on Thursday, but that was before this huge wave hit me. I might double it to 40mg, I’ll give her a call next week.

The team leader lady is calling me on Monday 3rd, and if my normal lady is going to be more than 4 weeks, I’ll accept their offer of someone else. I’ll feel like I’m abandoning her, which is an absurd thought really.

I woke up this morning wondering what the hell went on last night, and why my hand hurt so much. I remembered my complete meltdown and the fight I picked with a cupboard door. I’ve managed to keep the darkness at bay most of the day, even doing a jigsaw to distract myself. I know I’m not ‘in crisis’ as I can still complete my day to day tasks, includiing some volunteer work today. But I cracked about half an hour ago and sat in a heap on the floor until I dragged myself up to reply to you, so thank you

I’ve also got it into my head that I’m going to relapse soon. When the darkness desended last time, it was followed quickly by a bad relapse.

I know I’ll survive, I always do, but sometimes I wonder why it has to be so painful, and how I can exist in this way and not one person around me has a clue

Thanks again

Oh love, I do feel for you.

i`ve not had the issues you have, but I understand what you mean about being 2 people and putting on a good front.

i do that myself sometimes.

People here mostly know me as positive and bubbly. Yes, I like to show that side of my personality, but there are low times that i keep to myself. There have been times, when Ive let my mask drop and asked for support. i always get it and it makes such a huge difference to me when Im not doing so well.

My hubby has never been one to ask how i am, hell make me a lovely meal, build a deck for me, make alterations to things so i can cope better, but I would love for him to just sit down and talk,.........he cant do that. he`s a do-er, not a listener.

it`s good to hear you have a good GP, as that is something else I am uncomfortable about.

I see you`ve made your decision about the counsellor, so I hope that works out well for you.

luv Pollx

Thank you Poll.

I really feel have no one to talk to, everyone has their own problems and they don’t need to hear mine. I know that theory applies to everyone here too, but I guess I feel that as it is an open forum, people have the choice.

I feel such a weight on my shoulders, and like I have such a heavy heart, it is all weighing me down so much. I feel better than I did on Friday, but still need to bring my drinking under control. I have been writing down my crazy thoughts and ramblings, and have started recognising the triggers for my feelings, anger and anxiety, thought I haven’t got as far as working out how to control it.

I’m looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, slipping on my happy mask and going about my ‘normal’ life

I’ve only been using the forum for a few months, and hopefully one day I’ll feel confident enough to seek help openly, but for now I am truly grateful for yours, Wendel’s and Alison’s replies. Really, thank you.

Hi Anon,

Just a little note to say I am thinking of you and hope you have a little bit better week this week. Hope work is ok for you and that when you do have another counselling session it really helps you. I will keep in touch.

Alison x

Me again.

Do you think some anger management could help? I know a couple of men who have found themselves in situations when they cant control their tempers/moods. It has cost them their marriages, therefore it is a serious problem which needs sorting.

Do you know how to use the pm facility? I cant pm you, as you havent opened that part of your profile.

If you`d like to pm me, then we could talk more about how you feel…it may help…?

luv Pollx

Just a little update. Last week was torrid, my anxiety levels have never been so high. I did a stupid thing - went through a red light (temp traffic light, it was safe to do so) even though I knew a police car was a few cars behind me, and of course I got pulled over. For the the first time in my life I called in sick on Thursday for no real reason, I just couldn’t face getting up. I text my boss at 7.30am, turned over and slept til 11am - very unlike me.

However, today the world feels a little brighter, I slept a lot at the weekend, even did some gardening, and my hand is almost healed. My councellor’s boss rung me as promised. There is still no return date for my normal lady so we have booked in a session with someone else for Thursday 13th, but if a return date comes up in the meantime, we will re think. Thank you all again

Hi again.

Sounds like you are still struggling and need lots more help.

Pace yourself, but why not enquire about more sick leave and then a phased return to work. Maybe that way, you`ll feel less stressed, eh?

luv Pollx

Just a thought - do you think that maybe you have done the hard bit by dragging all that old stuff out your head and exposing it to the light the first time? So doing it again with another counsellor might be less painful and take less out of you? I wonder. It is not impossible that going over it again and finding it a bit easier would give you a pleasant surprise about how far you have come with dealing with this stuff? Ignore me if I am talking filtered words. I hope that you can bring yourself to try someone else and that you continue to head in the right direction.

Good luck with it all.


I’d really like to avoid more sick leave. Whilst I’ve been nothing but honest about my MS, I’ve never said a word about my depression, and I think that might send my boss over the edge. She is nothing but caring and wonderful. but my job is quite full on, and I’d be putting her in a very difficult position by asking her to let me continue in this role. I’d also feel guilty about keeping her in the dark up until now, and asking her to trust me again would be difficult. In the last 10 years I have lost my stepmum, my Mum and been in an abusive relationship - and never said a word to my colleagues/boss/HR. Also, I really do enjoy my job most of the time, but I have one colleague who I struggle with at the best of times, and I know I would have either walked out or cried during the meeting I was supposed to attend.

No Alison, you’re not talking filtered words at all (that made me laugh). You may be right, I wonder also if it might perhaps help me address the things I have been avoiding.