It’s been a week since my husband has been told he has ms. He is struggling with work as he’s a deputy head+the wk load is increasing. He just can’t cope. He say’s it’s the job not the ms, but he’s angry, upset with it all. Is depression part+parcel of ms!!!
Depression can indeed be part of MS - the rates of it among people with MS are much higher than in the population at large, although it’s not entirely clear whether this is is because of damage to parts of the brain regulating mood, or just to being in an undeniably depressing situation.
Regardless of which it is, I do think just a week after diagnosis is too soon to be labelling anyone as “depressed”. Although, for some, diagnosis may come as a relief, after years of uncertainty and doubting themselves, for many, it’s a major blow, which some liken to a bereavement.
If it had only been a week since Hubby lost a close relative, would you be questioning whether he was “depressed”, or accepting it as a pretty understandable reaction?
I’m certainly not saying depression isn’t and can’t be a problem with MS, but there is a difference between depression as a clinical condition, and an entirely natural response to what is, after all, some pretty shitty news.
I’d certainly give it a while - months, not days (some people take longer) before concluding your husband is “depressed”, rather than reacting perfectly normally to a horrible situation.
It is, of course a blow to you too. Are you getting enough help for yourself, in this difficult situation?
Do work know about your husband’s diagnosis? He does not have to disclose it, but if he chooses to, they are obliged to make “reasonable adjustments” to accommodate his ill health. This could include things like NOT piling on extra work without having a proper discussion to check he’s OK with it, or even relieving him of some work he already has, if it’s proving too much.
Note that they should NOT just take work away, or decline to give it to him, on the assumption he won’t be able to do it with MS - it should be a proper dialogue about what he can realistically handle, and, where applicable, what he can’t.
Hi, I get depression not sure if its the ms illness or is it the problems ms causes in everyday life, I know it took me along whlle to get use to having ms and 3 years later I get very mad when I can’t do things but it does get better in time, think your husband needs time to cope with the diagnosis of ms.
hi. Thanku for replying. V.new to this. He can’t lessen the load with work, he’s had enough, ms was the last straw. They know but told him summer term coming so get some rest, three wks+then bk planning+having meetings. I have no idea what the future is with him+ms. He’s numb waist down, he has spongy feet??+no balance, he’s angry+upset. And yes it’s been a week+he does have to get used to it. I just thought depression was another symptom, he’s not been offered anything as yet, that’s why I joined to c what happens next. I have a better friend network but he needs other help, thanks again. I feel stupid as I really don’t know only what he tells me but u all r v.clued up. Will continue to read up+take advise from other posts lv Theresa xx
Hello Mrs T. How are yer ? I’m new to the group too, but not to ms. This friday is 19 years since my diagnosis. Sorry to hear about your husband. I’ve had three jobs since d day. The first boss told all staff in case I suddenly had an attack. … yup, it’s not like that… Didn’t tell the second for eight years. They were very sympathetic…but things changed after. They made me redundant, then withdrew the offer when I accepted…hmmmmmm. I left anyway. Holding out again. I found depression reared it’s head the more fed up I got at work. Doc tested me after my wife gave me an ultimatum. Series of questions, happy scored 20+, I scored 3. Whether it was ms related I don’t know, but 24 hour headaches weren’t fun and don’t help. I haven’t got any advice, just we’re all here for you. Ms is so personal, everyone’s different. I’ve had blurred vision, daily headaches, loss of limbs and numb hands for years now, but you adapt, once you accept it. But that takes time too. Hope he gets on ok, and you too. Don’t be a stranger. Andy.
Depression is hard to quantify…my consultant told me to get on with it…I thought yes she was right I should…then I was told by a different Neurologist I had good reason to be depressed to my condition.
Hi Mrs T,
I can relate to how he is feeling. It is about a 7 weeks since I was given an MS diagnosis, I’m also a teacher and in leadership with 2 children aged 5 and 12 and it isn’t easy, never mind being diagnosed with MS. I had 4 months off work (most of it prior to diagnosis as I was really struggling with the waiting for a diagnosis) and have just gone back this week (part time initially). I don’t think I have anything helpful to add to what everyone else has already said but the best piece of advice I have been given is from a teaching colleague who also has MS. It was ‘allow yourself the dark moments, you are allowed to be sad’ I have been sad, angry, resolute, in denial, scared and relieved, sometimes it feels all at the same time.
I have, through my headteacher, arranged an appointment with occupational health so I and my school can best work out what I need to support me so I can continue a career I have worked hard to be successful in and love. I don’t know if that is a helpful suggestion at this point but it gave me something positive to focus on, very much an ‘ok, so what support is there available to enable me to continue in this job’ rather than ‘how on earth will I be able to continue to do this job that already takes up so much time and energy if I have MS as well’
I hope things seem more positive for him very soon.
So sorry I never replied. So much happened. My pass word didn’t work. And life went down hill.
We though are on an up. My hubby is doing well depression is so much better. And lock down has helped him more. He found out how to relax again and sort his things out.
I will be a better replier maybe 3yrs instead of 6yrs. Hope you are doing well and lock down hasn’t been too hard on you lv ms t
Hey ms t. Thx for the reply !!! I had to go and see what I wrote ! Glad he’s doing well. Lockdown was good for me too. I’m never going to get the opportunity to get paid for sitting on my arse for a year again… The ancestry research was amazing ! I’m on meds and cbd oil, reducing the zombie drug gabapentin right down. And I’ve ignored all requests to have my death jab. Life is good.
Well that didn’t take 3yrs but that’s great you are doing well. I had my second jab today…no zombie effects yet but there is time. I was a trial baby for mmr and it apparently saved me. Back in the 60s.
Simon is on trecferderra…still has spongy feet and numb shins but no 3rd coming:innocent:. He did some ancestry and we aren’t related to each other Yeah!!! Hehe xx
So glad you are ok I’m off to check on tea take care x
Hi, I think it’s more work related. I also had a period in my life when I spent a lot of time at work. On Canadian pharmacy I read that you can’t work so much, you need to have regular healthy sleep, drink vitamins and do sports. When my depression disappeared, I realized that I needed to take care of myself and my health. Now I don’t spend much time at work and I dedicate all my free time to myself
Oh you are so right but it took this illness for him too see this. He was on supply and now he’s on a contract which means he’ll be paid for the year. Teaching is stressful without ms but now he’s decided to reduce his work hrs and have his own time. Hope you are enjoying your own time. It’s very important. He plays golf, reads walks and bugs me…but that is better than being in a very dark place and not being able to reach him. Things are good. He has wobbly legs and still numb…but mind is healthy.
I know for some lockdown was awful but for him it was just what he needed the wake up to himself.
You take care and I hope your depression stays away…but as lame as I am I’m here for a chat ms…or just anything. I’m a asda colleague so I have plenty of chat .
I am so glad to see an update and that you’re both doing better now.