When will my husband realize, that every time he chooses to leave me to sort the tea, bath the kids and all the other family things that go on early evening. Plus the additional causing a situation which leads to awkward silences…that this makes my symptoms so much worse…weakness and tremors do not help when trying to do all these early evening chores…so fed up, but just need to offload…sorry
I don’t know, but why not just tell him? He could take his turn and probably wonders why you always do it.
Have done on many occasions, even told him the effects of him stressing me out when he has one on him…aaarrrggghhhhh
Leave the ones that you can miss out on and if he complains just tell him your not feeling up to it and that you’d appreciate some help with things since (i assume) your kids aren’t old enough to help at all.
Or you could ignore his stuff and give the same reason
Well, on one level at least, he probably already does realize - kind of. It sounds as though you are perfectly old enough and experienced enough to know that telling someone something once or twice is not always enough, though - not by a mile - and there is such a thing as knowing and not knowing, and people can hear something and sort of understand it but without really taking it in properly. Maybe you have got a case of that here? In which case, I would recommend uncorking a bottle of something and sitting him down for a chat some time soon, whether he likes it or not.
Another possibility: we do things for all sorts of reasons, not all of them on purpose. He doesn’t necessarily mean to be making things worse for you, but whatever he is trying, consciously or unconsciously, to express, he isn’t going about it in a very helpful way. He is probably just about as pissed off as you are that you have MS. That can leak out in all sorts of ways, not all of them on purpose. Maybe this is one of them. It does not necessarily mean that he is being thoughtless, or lazy, or inconsiderate. Maybe he is just struggling with some difficult emotions and does not really know how to handle them. Of course, you are the one who knows him - maybe he just is being plain inconsiderate! You are the best judge of that.
Some good advice, I would say sit him.down and chat, take swsy, bottle of red and chat the night away. I think its difficult for men. They aren’t like us… We talk to others quite easily I think. If we are fed up we say! Funny we werr discussing this at work yesterday as a colleagues male friend took his own life. Appears he was very very depressed yet no one knew. He’d told no one and managed to cover it up so well despite having great family and friends! I think men struggle to.open up and acknowledge their feelings. My hubbie is great but it does worry me that although he talks to me, helps me and is s great hubbie and dad, he never talks as such about how hes feeling about the whole situation really, he just seems to.plod on. Maybe thats his way and they do have their own ways for certain x x
Hi, my hubby cant and hates to talk about emotions.
Your natural feelings of stress come from his inability to see what`s staring him in the face.
maybe he thinks you
ve always done whatevers necessary, in the past, so why not now?
I often have all sorts of things going round in my head, when i feel hubby isnt being as helpful as i`d like him to be. I can get myself into a right mental state at times.
Then when I blurt out what
s wrong, hell say,
Why didnt you say so?
I know you say you have told your
s...........but hes still not helping.
Looks like you
re going to have to go slow or go on strike............but just with doing things for him...............hell hopefully get the message good and proper then.
my husband can’t talk about his emotions but last week he came in drunk and was heartbroken about something that happened at his mates house.
now that didnt enlighten me at all and i ended up looking after him.
dammit i need looking after!
Thanks all of you for taking the time to reply. My problem is and always has been, that I am too independent for my own good! I have never been one for sitting back and waiting for him to do stuff for me. I will wire light fittings up, new light switches, decorate whilst he is at work…you get the jist? Last year I had to have surgery which renderd me helpless for about three months and the six months leading up to it. He used to say don’t do anything today, just rest…but as I started to feel better, used to do things I shouldn’t have, but because I was doing stuff, despite being in pain, he stopped helping me. We have ‘discussions’ whereby he will say, just ask, but to be fair, he lived on his own up until five years ago when we met, and he knew when the bathroom was dirty, or the laundry basket full then. I know I am probably my own worst enemy and created a monster by being at home after having the babies, but What he doesn’t realize is just how much doing stuff can tire me out. I think when he hears me say I am tired, he equates it to his tiredness. I have done 16 hour days at work like him and worked ten days on at a time, and nothing compares to the tiredness I get now, as you will all know through experience. Sometimes, I think, he makes the most mess, needs the most wet nursing, I am sure life would be easier if I just took the kids and left. Less arguments, less pandering to him and less stress! As you can tell, I am still on a major downer with him. I love him to bits, but his idea of doing stuff in the house is cooking for us and the kids. Last time I was bed ridden for a few days with extreme vertigo etc, nothing else got done. Kids didn’t get dressed for days. We were talking yesterday about me sending the ironing out, and he was saying he would sort out the laundry, but what he means by that is HIS own. Stuff, not mine or the kids. He can’t even put the kids stuff away when he has sorted it out, on the very odd occasion. I feel like doing that with his stuff, only for the fact it would sit there for days and get on my nerves. When he finally gets around to doing the utility room, trust me that is exactly where his stuff will stay! I think another sit down is required before I loose my rag completely and walk…preferably as far away as possible!
Why don’t you show him your posts? Maybe if you can show him the frustration in words, it might hit home harder? Hope you get it sorted as it sounds like your really suffering. Xx
I have gone to write it all down before now, and stopped. But you are right! He can’t interrupt if he is reading, like he would if I was speaking. It’s bad enough having to cope with this very new problem which has only recently been diagnosed, without having to add to it. Sometimes he talks about giving up work to look after me, so he does care and he does love me, but he was definitely like a character out of men behaving badly, when it came to domestic situations, when we first met, so I could see myself having constant rows if he gave up work to look after me, as his idea of being the main carer of me and the kids and look after a home, when I have my bad days are very different. I feel better having vented and written it all down. Thanks