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Feeling trapped!

Don’t read this if you don’t like long ranting posts!

sorry but I don’t know anyway of getting this stuff off my chest.

I’ve had some “women’s problems” lately and had a hysteroscopy a month ago they put a progesterone laced coil in. I got the results of the hysteroscopy on Wednesday, this is part of what’s winding me up, my OH hasn’t asked what the consultant said! when I got home from the hospital, Instead he ranted about not winning a sports medal at a tournament the previous weekend. He still hasn’t asked four days later.

I really can’t make any excuses for him. ive screamed at him in the last few weeks about what the results could mean and he was totally dismissive, it’s like he’s can’t understand the meaning of anything I’ve tried to tell him.

i have precancerous cells in my womb and may need a hysterectomy in the very near future! I haven’t told him this because it’s my belief he’s not bloody interested, It is obvious that I cannot rely on him to look after me post op and it is a very long recovery.

so now I’m totally screwed!

i found myself in bed last night thinking “just effing die” I’ve told him over and over I’m not myself and haven’t been for a while but he has never acknowledged that there’s anything wrong, I gave in and took a couple of online depression tests one gave me 21 out of 27 points and the other said I was suffering from extreme depression!

i can’t find anything good to say about him, somebody said I’ve got a downer on him but how can I not, I can’t get anything through his bloody thick head. If I say anything he doesn’t like he says I’m in the wrong and more or less that I don’t know what I’m talking about even when he knows nothing and I’ve researched the subject!

he has no interest in anything other than himself and his own interests.

he drove me out of our bedroom a few years ago

he doesn’t show me any affection

he doesn’t show me any gratitude or appreciation for anything I do for him

he wont look after our home decorating or cleaning properly (even Albert Steptoe used to try)

Thing is he knows how to act the part in public! My MS nurse thinks he’s a kind man but I don’t think he’d pee on me if I was on fire. (That might inconvenience him)

ive felt homicidal and have joked about killing him “but don’t fancy prison” and the “womens problems” haven’t helped and now i feel trapped in every possible way and I’m heading for a unavoidable breakdown that he’s doing everything to cause!

I’m sending you masses of hugs as it seems as if you’re going through a really bad time in so many ways. It’s wonderful that this forum is here for you to download your problems onto but have you spoken to your GP about your depression? If not you really should and also family.

Obviously I only know what you typed about your OH. He maybe absolutely terrified and trying to ignore everything that’s scary. (apologies to all males reading this but just cos you’re blokes doesn’t mean that you’re able to handle tough stuff).

First things first though, see your GP.

Tippy x

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I would urge you to seek help. Its normal to feel like this with MS. Irrational, angry, upset, emotional, depressed the list is endless. If you have hormonal issues on top your like a powder keg ready to go off.

Have you family or a friend you can trust. If so talk to them and get help. Your husband is well just being a man sadly, yes sorry guys, at 67 i can say that with all honesty although some are amazing others cant cope so switch off.

My husband was a bit like that, useless in the house, he didnt understand womens stuff, but he worked really hard all the time. He used to say to me i wish i could fix you, but your not an engine lol. So his way of dealing with it, was well it didnt exist.

It wasnt because he didnt care. He did but felt useless.

Instead of ranting on here which is great to clear your mind, make time to talk to him properly. Not at home, go out yes go out, have lunch talk to him.

See your GP as well i think your depressed.

You need help to cope with all of this. Your husband has head in sand syndrome. I mean you are expecting him to ask you you will wait a long time. If he doesnt hear about it then its not another thing he has to cope with.

Maybe your marriage is in serious trouble, and if you dont talk to him, you are wasting your energy on a dead relationship. Unless you really open up you are just going to get more sicker and scared.

Your scared at the moment and feel let down because you dont full supported by him. So tell him.

BIG HUGE HUGS, my husband loved me i know he did. Now he is gone I wish i could scream and rant at him. xxxxxxxxxx

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dolly

i’m really sorry for the extra issues you are facing on top of your ms.

at one time i would have said that my own husband is the same.

however this last year he has shown me that he still cares and even cherishes me.

as crazy chick said, he is used to mending broken things and was frustrated that i wasn’t a machine or engine that he could mend.

you need emotional help.

please talk to your gp.

you shouldn’t be facing a cancer scare alone.

a female friend or relative could be the person to provide this.

this wonderful forum has one major drawback which is we can’t hop on a bus and come to offer real life help.

please, please, please talk to your gp.

get friends or family on board and let us know how you are doing.

sending virtual love, hugs and support through the ether.

carole x

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Totally agree with you Carole. x

Oh Dolly. I can totally empathise/sympathise with you. This is a great place to come to rant.

Yes I think you may well be depressed. Isn’t having ms enough to make anyone depressed?! It sneaks in like a thief in the night and steals from you, and when you think you’ve got used to the idea and accepted it, it comes back and steals a bit more. Trying to accept the changes to our body, our abilities, inabilities, capabilities, having to accept the help we may need getting in/out of bed, putting shoes on, getting into a chair/car/shower, cutting food…whatever. Although you may be depressed, I note your sense of humour is not lost yet, (Your reference to Steptoe) and that’s good!

A few things in your post jumped out at me.

***he has no interest in anything other than himself and his own interests.

he drove me out of our bedroom a few years ago

he doesn’t show me any affection

he doesn’t show me any gratitude or appreciation for anything I do for him***

Now I don’t know you, or your husband and cannot make excuses for him. He may well be a selfish pig or he may be a very caring guy who is terrified of what’s ahead but, perhaps his not having interest in anything other than himself/own interests is an unconscious self defence mechanism? Doesn’t want to be in the “here and now”? Not helpful to anyone, I know!

You chose to leave the bedroom years ago. That’s very sad.

I can understand it, having been tempted to on many occasions in the past. However, I always felt that by doing that, well, it would be the beginning of the end for us and always resisted. I would choose instead to maintain a few frosty days and nights until the anger or despair subsided. This links in with the showing affection (and I’m not referencing anything intimate or sexual). If you are living separately, together, both of you in your private thoughts, simmering or screaming as you said, how can either of you feel anything remotely like affection, or showing it?!

My husband has lost his libido for quite some years now, but he understands the squeeze of my hand or the casual arm thrown across me in bed is so important. (On the very rare occasion we might both be surprised by the results!) Physical contact is so important. You only have to understand the feeling of well-being from a massage, or even watching a cat groom it’s kitten. Do remember though, you’ll only receive affection if you can show it too. I would hope it’s not too late.

As for the gratitude and appreciation…it’s very easy to take the things we do for one another for granted. We are all guilty of it. I remember when my kids were teenagers, throwing a s***t-fit because they took it for granted their dirty washing got picked up, laundered and magically appeared back in the drawers! Or everyone would finish their meal and just get up from the table. No, “thanks that was lovely”. Grrrrr

If he makes you a cuppa or does some, small, thing, do you take time to say a genuine thank you? As the others have said, men like to be able to “fix things”. (Me cave man, you woman) Unfortunately in this case, he can’t fix it, can’t probably fully understand it, and so has been rendered useless. Inadequate. What happened?! What is this damned illness? Where has it come from, barging into our lives, uninvited and wreaking havoc and despair?!! I can only second what the others have said. Talk to a gp, consider counselling. It would be great if you both could go, but even if you were to go alone, I’m sure you would still derive something positive from it. An unbiased third party would be a great start. What do you think he might say to the forum, if he was to talk and say what he is feeling?

And yes, it may even be that this relationship has come to a natural end. It happens sometimes, with or without an illness. I really wish we could all get together somewhere and have a good old chat. I’m sure there would be hugs and tears, as well as laughter, all round. Big strong virtual hugs. Keep talking to us Dolly. xx

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I woke up disappointed again this morning

I’ve booked a GPs appointment to discuss my mood.

i had a chat with one of my sisters, but it wound me up even more!

he woke me up this morning and had made us both tea, but hasn’t spoken another word to me and has just buried his head in playing games on his tablet!

he is useless in the house because it’s of no importance to him.

he doesn’t get anything medical, he’s been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but still isn’t eating right.

ive repeatedly tried for a very long time to get him to go somewhere with me but the only place he is prepared to go is the pictures to see a film he wants to see that way he doesn’t have to talk to me.

i don’t think that he has buried his head in the sand I think it’s actually in the clouds.

i left our bedroom because he made it uncomfortable and put my health at risk but only argued with me when I raised it with him.

not to long after that he started making horrible comments, so no, I didn’t want to show any affection to him knowing he always waited for me to initiate anything I knew that was that!

iv always make a point of thanking him for anything he does because I know he was dragged up without manners and hoped it’d rub off it hasn’t done in over 30 years so I’m obviously wasting my time.

iv found myself in a parent and child relationship with him and he is the child, he relies on me financially, and won’t make sensible decisions about anything, if you make him do something he doesn’t want to do he has a huge strop like a kid but coming from a 56 year old man that’s very intimidating so I avoid asking for anything.

we had a huge fight 18 months ago and I got him to make a promise he’d do more to help me, he’s done nowt! He won’t even go and get either prescriptions for me or himself and expects me to get both. There has been no significant change in his behaviour.

so now it might need a hysterectomy and have nobody to look after me after surgery. I told him weeks ago that if I have one I’d have to go into a unit of some sort for months after, he just called me stupid!

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR IGNORANCE he could research on the Internet he could ask someone else my sister or someone at his club, but he is not interested enough to do anything he thinks It’ll have no effect on him, but he’s in for a HUGE shock!

you have a huge decision ahead. concentrate on your health because that is the most important thing. then get advice from a free solicitor. i don’t know the name but they do exist. now eat properly and get enough sleep. wishing you peace of mind carole x

Well Dolly, there sure is a whole lot of anger there.

Down to basics, the recovery time after a hysterectomy is around six weeks. My husband was off work sick with depression and was having a break down when I had my hysterectomy. My (then) fourteen year old was scared at home, not really understanding what was wrong with him and worried about me. I had no choice but to make a damn quick recovery.

You say he was dragged up without manners and you hoped you having some would rub off on him. You sound very resentful of the thirty years you’ve been together. I’m a loss to understand why you are still with him, especially as you say he relies on you financially. Time to see a solicitor I think. It might be the answer to an exit you’ve BOTH been looking for.

Good luck with the future.

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