Hi Teddie, your still a baby. I am 68 this year. I have no idea how long i have had MS but only diagnosed since 2016 but it took 10 years to get that and told finally i had PPMS.
I think i have had it at least since 2000 and probably a little before then.
Oh my god i could have written your post. I lost my hubby in 2017 spiralled into depression literally had to find a reason to carry on. In the end i have moved into sheltered accommodation and my house is on the market and i literally feel like i am waiting for god. since i got here i have one virus after another.
I have to find a reason to keep going. My reason is my daughters. They both still need me. So i fight hard to keep going. I also have my dog. Lucy who is my little soldier i take her out everyday on my scooter its a reason to get up and do something.
How bad are you? Are you bed ridden, or are you still able to go out perhaps in a scooter? Thats the key getting out even if its for fresh air. Just scooting out is such fun and my dog loves it. we are out everyday at least an hour.
since i moved i have too many people around me or coming to see me, its like i have gone from my house to sheltered and suddenly everyone realises in my family hey she really is sick lol.
I have a PA who helps me can take me out if i feel like it. I use direct payments even though i have to pay a little towards it, i know i can go out.
You need to find a purpose for your life. I feel your just getting up and swapping one medium for another and just sitting there thinking if ONLY… well it aint going to happen unless you make it. There are lots of forums out there with people young who need our help too. You could be an advocate for someone.
25 years is a long time. You have to look outside your life, have you a garden? I have a little area and i am turning it into a lovely area full of solar lights the residents are loving it. my little garden comes alive at night all twinkly. I still find joy in lots of things, i have my bird table and now have 3 fat pigeons who come and see me. A little warbler too.
I hate my life but love it too. I can still enjoy the stuff around me, and have been catching up on things i never watched as i used to work 60 hours a week. I have just watched 15 seasons of ER lol…i never got a chance before to just indulge in watching series, you cant when you are working all the time. If i hadnt had the MS i think i would have got a stroke as my blood pressure was out of control i was stuck in traffic all the time, dealing with stroppy students and hard work tutors lol. I look back at what i did in my life and realised well jeez i worked hard and now i am resting and enjoying the quiet if i want it.
I used to breed rare chickens yes what fun. even with MS i did that. I even used to hatch them and be a mamma to them. sadly when my husband died i had to give them to a friend as he helped me and put them away.
You need to find something to do. I write a blog too it really helps. https://livingdailywithmultiplesclerosis.blog/2018/03/04/the-beginning/
There is no time limit to grief, we have to go through the process and it takes as long as it needs to take. I lost hubby October 2017 and i still cry for him nearly every day. I dont think i will ever stop grieving for him, like you havent stopped grieving for the old YOU.
She is still there inside you, you can find her you just dont want to yet. You cant face the realisation that once you do then you have to accept the life that MS has given you. If you enjoyed challenges then treat this as another challenge in your life. Your challenge is to find a way forward. It is there your just not seeing it. What were your specialisms in life? What did you enjoy? I still do those things. I used to teach I.T. and now i can still teach others how to use their computers, and show them how to use netflix, amazon, and ebay. I help people on forums with chickens yes i am quite the expert at the old birdies.
I am supporting both my daughters through some really bad times at the moment. There always seems to be another crisis for supermum to deal with lol. They are 44 and 47 and two sides to my heart. I couldn’t bear to leave them yet, i know they need me with or without MS, and weirdly enough i have more time to cope with them now.
So much to do so little time to do it.
I was on depressants, then suddenly i have been told to stop them as they have given me low sodium levels lol. go figure. I only take 10mg. It wasnt being defeatist taking them it was just another pill to get me through the day.
Stop looking for the old you, go stand in front of a mirror the image back at you is YOU. That is who you are.
The you who your grieving for is crying out for you to accept that she is still there. You cant see her for the tears of your life now but she is there begging you to accept that fact, and release her from the chains of depression you have shrouded her with.
She wants to come out and help you but you wont let her, as you think she will just show you your vulnerabilities now, but all she wants to do is take you by the hand and show you what you really have now which is your life a good life, with family around you the air to breath, the sun to enjoy, the birds to listen too. Sometimes its all we have and all we need if we just believe and see.
Depression has stolen your identity and your joy NOT MS. You are depressed and need the support to move through it. You have been offered a way forward use it like you would a walker to keep upright, or a scooter to replace your legs. Its just another means to an end.
You monkey chatter is taking you along the wrong path because you are listening to him.
Go now look in the mirror you are still there, the life you knew the joy you had, you just have to let the old you out of the mirror.
I am surrounded by love it hugs me everyday. I NEVER had that before because i was too busy to even notice it existed.
We are all warriors on here and we all LOVE you, and understand now its up to you hun. xxxxxxxxx