I had been with my partner (now my ex) for just over 30 years, he told me over a while ago that he hates himself but he can’t cope with what MS is doing to me so wants us to split up, I agreed as I had been thinking the same, for different reasons which I won’t go into. I put my name down on the local council’s list for a council house, time went on and I moved further up the waiting list the Covid struck and everything ground to a standstill. Now the waiting list seems to be moving again but slowly. My ex. partner told me that he would not do anything about finding a new girlfriend while we were both living in the same house. Fast forward a few months - he told me (whilst making sure our daughter wouldn’t hear as she was in the next room) that he thought he should tell me that he had been seeing someone romantically and been for a while. Since then although we’re civil to each other, the atmosphere has changed. I’m hurt that he broke his promise. Our daughter told me she’d seen some messages on his iPad surrounded my love hearts so she knew something was going on. I asked her if she’d seen a name on his iPad- she had. It was from a girl he’s slept with just after we’d started going out which he told me about not long after it happened, I forgave him as he was in tears as he told me so it looked like he really regretted in happening! Anyway, it was her name our daughter had seen. He went away for the weekend last week which he’d told us (our daughter and me) about a few days before he went - I asked if I could ask him if he was going away with someone - his answer was you can ask but I’m not going to tell you with who. I can’t afford private rental accommodation which is why I applied for a council house. I don’t want to talk to my sister or mother about this and only one friend I can talk to who lives far away from here so I’d have to talk over the internet.
I wonder if anyone could advise me on how I can cope until we finally find somewhere else to live.
Thank you for reading this long post and for any replies I may receive.
Jacqueline
As someone who happily initiated my divorce, my thoughts are going to be different than yours, but I’m wondering why he hasn’t moved out? I can understand you waiting for council housing, but what’s his excuse? If you own your house and he intends to keep it, he could have still moved elsewhere for a while. Getting involved with someone while he’s still living in the family home is tacky, hurtful, and very disrespectful to both you and your daughter.
If you’re still sharing a bedroom, I’d move his things into the living room and let him sleep on the couch. Or take over your daughter’s room and let her take the couch for a while. Let her know, no matter how old she is, that none of this is her fault.
Ending a marriage is always difficult, no matter the circumstances. For me, I loved being married; I just finally realized that I’d picked the wrong person. Getting over the loss of the marriage itself – the dreams, the promises, the intention of spending the rest of my life with one person – was much harder than getting over him.
The only thing I can suggest is to start thinking of him as nothing more than a roommate, because that’s basically what he is now. Require him to contribute his share of the housework and bill paying, but then accept that his private time is his own, as is yours. Confide in your long-distance friend. You need someone who knows you to help you through this difficult time. And keep posting on here. For what it’s worth, we’re here for you.
I’d move his stuff outside and change the locks. Darling you are going through hell while he is having his cake and eat it. I am sorry to be so blunt but you need to nurture yourself. You have a partner who is spineless and wants to stick around while it suits him, you have housing issues to cope with, you have a bloody cruel disease which could potentially get worse while you are dealing with so much stress so it is time to look after you. You are the most important person here (along with your daughter) so remove the stress and get some advice maybe from a solicitor around what you are entitled to. I have been through something similar and gave him 2 weeks of my time to grieve and then I took the first step to move on. It is not easy in any situation but it is worse while you have MS. I wish you lots of love and positive thoughts of self esteem. Take care. Sue x
We both bought this house, the intention is to sell it and split what we get from the sale. His excuse for not moving out is that because he’s the only driver, (we live in the countryside miles from any shops) he wants to be here to buy anything we need i.e. milk, bread, etc.
We are still sharing a bedroom (the room was added as a downstairs extension to the house when it became evident that I can’t climb stairs now. (in effect built for me). We do have a small spare room across the landing from our daughters bedroom upstairs and he did offer to sleep in there, I said at the time it’ll be fine (partly because he works shifts and comes and goes at different times of the day and night. Our daughter didn’t want him sleeping up there either as she likes to play her music loudly and she’d have to tone it down or risk waking her dad).
He doesn’t do housework unless absolutely necessary, he reckons because he’s the one working and gets paid for doing that and that money is used to pay household bills, that’s all he needs to do. Oh he does cut the grass of the large garden we have which I can’t do. I used to grow flowers but because I can’t get up from the ground so easily, I don’t do any gardening and I miss that.
As I said earlier, we still share the bedroom and it has been until recently when he started seeing someone else.
Thank you very much for answering my post, it has helped.
If things were different I would. He has said if I didn’t have MS he doesn’t think we would have lasted this long. You’re right he has been having his cake and eating it. I don’t mind you being blunt, I have thought the same for years. He has said I should get half of everything as the law says and want me to get something written up that can be signed.
My self esteem has taken a dive. I used to have a full-time job which I was made redundant from a few years ago, shortly after I was diagnosed with MS. I felt I had a purpose when I was working, now I don’t feel I have. I need to find it again but I’m not sure how.
Reading the replies I have received to my post has helped a lot, I know I’m not in my own to deal with this.
I do intend to stay in the house, it has been my home for nearly 20 years. I might just be hoping but, he has said this house is too big for just him and that will be motivation enough to sell and find somewhere smaller for him. Although our daughter did say she hopes he wouldn’t move his new girlfriend in when we’ve gone. She’s moving with me even though she’s in her early twenties, she wants to be with me which I’m glad about.
If things were different I would. He has said if I didn’t have MS he doesn’t think we would have lasted this long. You’re right he has been having his cake and eating it. I don’t mind you being blunt, I have thought the same for years. He has said I should get half of everything as the law says.
My self esteem has taken a dive. I used to have a full-time job which I was made redundant from a few years ago, shortly after I was diagnosed with MS. I felt I had a purpose when I was working, now I don’t feel I have. I need to find it again but I’m not sure how.
Reading the replies I have received to my post has helped a lot, I know I’m not in my own to deal with this.