Emotional dump :( (potential trigger warning)

Edit : long potentially emotionally triggering post. Dunno what looking for tbh just needed to dump out my inner thoughts and feelings right now.

Hey 21 male.

Really feel like giving up to put it short
Already grew up with a very abusive childhood, more mental abuse than anything and bad bullying through every school year, my mother had primary progressive and passed away.

It’s very likely now I have secondary progressive or Parkinson’s disease from the way my symptoms are and I’ll be discovering which on Friday when I go to see a promising neurologist whose going to help me reach diagnosis.

Over a few years family and friends have fallen off the wagon having said horrible things to me about being ill while the illness has been progressing, which I imagine has happened to others with this illness.

I cant stop thinking about the torment I’ve been put through and therapy which I’ve tried many times since childhood had been a joke.
Nobody has helped and I’ve been extremely independent my entire life with my mothers illness I was in the nurturing role when carers or my dad wasn’t around to assist and care for her.

Always coped with reading, my art and creative writing but the past few years and to be honest this year has been completely dissolving me, wake up every day and know what’s happening, know I’m eating away at myself and can’t stop it.
Doctors are no help and all I can do is dust myself off continue and keep my head up.
My father is clearly resentful of me for also being ill, feel like a burden and people are always depressed and saddened by me without even trying as soon as they find out there’s an awkward silence and they don’t know how to be around me, most are extremely sympathetic but it’s annoying and upsetting because my belief is that people just need to be respectful of an illness my quality of life is no different to theirs.
The fact is majority treat me like my life is over and done and I hate it.

Guess I’m okay looking because I always seem to find dates and get on with young females around my age and always get on and say how nice I am and talk of building a future and get very personal, but as soon as it comes up in conversation they’ll slowly kick me off, let me down easily.

The worst was the last time which was only a couple months ago where we were sharing ice cream in her flat, I was struggling with the spoon and eating this someone just went silent because I then had to talk about it with them, which I’m always careful with what I say about it all just say i have neurological issues which can cause deterioration over the years, never too much detail really and after I’d slept over and gone home the next day she was totally vanished from everything, I was ghosted as the younger say.

Always end up thinking about how I have an uncle who’s a heavy drug abuser but is functional and has given up on life without even having any issues or anything and somehow seems 100% healthy if I ever come across him, it upset me that my young life I’ve tried to care for my health but somehow this sort of issue has just happened out of genetic lottery chances.

I do mindful meditation now and I do 10 min - 90 min yoga a day and get as many steps as I still can in, do everything life style wise, take the fish oils and cbd oils at high strength and neurotropic multivitamins because they help with nerve cell and Myelin restoration. I do everything I can and it’s still happening to me.

I’m the most health conscious out of everyone in my family and out of me and my sister, wouldn’t wish it on anyone at all but honestly don’t get how it’s still happened when I’ve worked so hard to have the best health and still continue to try leading best quality life in all aspects. Obviously know it’s just like the lottery and just happens but like still feels unfair because of how much I’ve tried.

most times feel like crying because the thing I love to do which is creating art, cant keep track of my writing and I cant draw or paint without dropping my brush or when shading with pen or pencil my hand pulsates and cripples up all catatonic and I fear that the things I’ve been determined to do since a 6 year old child which is be a professional creative is slipping away and I’ll loose the ability to do it completely. Used to sit and draw and paint and write for 12 hours a day and now I can barely do 2 hours most days.

I’m just wasting away and i keep egging myself on to try and try but I just can’t help but think that time isn’t on my side and one day I will likely loose mostly everything. Not anytime soon but
Wether it’s 10 years or 30 years from now it’s going to take hold.
doing everything to lead a good quality life and support myself but cant stop worrying how I haven’t met a partner or started a career in what I’ve been striving and working hard towards forever. Fear that I may never do those things.

Lately when I’ve tried talking to therapists they say I’m already doing everything life style wise to deal with the PTSD and this neurological illness
and there’s nothing there is to offer me that I’d have to afford a certain type of therapist to just talk too but what’s the point to talking about my horrible past and illness because it comes down to nothing and awkward silences from someone who’s supposed to reassure you.
Cant talk to family because I literally don’t have one, no friends just myself, my dads around but it’s one word reply’s and eye rolls and mumbles under his breath. If I do try to talk about anything
With him he’s just not present and avoids it, says he isn’t but it’s obvious that he is.

I’m always told how “strong” and “humbled” I seem but honestly I’m collapsing inside.

I just have no clue how to continue doing things and what to do at all.
I will keep on trucking and going forward but I just think for what ?

Like more bull probably thrown in my face for nothing.
Since a child I’ve just had one shit thing after another and made it through but what do I do, where will I go, will I ever find anyone at all.

There’s no chip on my shoulder and I don’t think the world or anyone owes me anything but still I can’t help but just hate myself most days Because of all the rubbish I’m handed and cant think what to even do.

I’m slowly decaying and everything is just piling out on top of me constantly, don’t even know what to do. Just don’t know.

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Replying to own post here just to explain

Said secondary progressive as I ended up in A&E a couple days ago on my birthday, they reassured me I definitely have neurological illness and will find out on Friday what’s going on.

The doctor also remarked from the test I went through at A&E like physical tests that I was what they’d call a textbook example of someone with a neurological illness and their main concern was MS

Obviously they never tell you exactly what’s going on even if they clearly can say

I know from research and from what my symptoms are and how frequently things occur throughout the day that I screams secondary progressive and not RRMS.
Or rather progressed young onset Parkinson’s.

Just wanted to make that clear and do some further mansplaining as not to confuse.

So sad to read makes me feel ashamed to grumble out my lot honestly… No wise words to trot out but I have read your plight… Unbelievable what you are going through… Take care and I hope life starts being kinder to you perhaps because it seems you are deserving in my humble opinion X

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Apologies to of made you feel bad in any way. Really felt like needed to just put it out there cos it gets too much, thank you for your kind words really means a lot. Wishing you the best and positivity with your own health journey. Much love. :slight_smile:

@MRanon - well done for being able to talk here, it feels so good to just be able the say the words whether verbally or in writing. Good luck on Friday - is there anybody going with you or at least anybody you can talk to/be with afterwards.

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No but it’ll be fine hopefully. The neurologist is supposedly very very good and a canny bloke so should go just fine, especially if I’ve been told In A&E from Sunday that I’m pretty much what they’d call a textbook case so should find out on Friday. Should be okay after.

No need to apologise… Just saying actually we are not OK helps I have found?! Again have a good chat with neurologist and update us if you want to of course X

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I am sorry that you are feeling so low. Life is just one damned thing after another, as they say, and sometimes we can forget that for a bit and be happy and sometimes we can’t. And when things feel bad it can be hard to remember that sometimes things feel OK, or actually are OK, or maybe are even better than OK. May better-than-OK times come your way very soon.

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Thank you your right it’s okay to be okay, I will, take care yourself. Much love. :slight_smile:

Yeah been aware of that for a long time, still upsetting and stressful. Hope things are okay aswell, trying to brush myself off and gotta keep egging on at times.
Thank you. Wishing the best for you too.
Much love :).

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Great, good luck tomorrow - let me know how it goes?

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Hey apologies it’s taken couple days getting back
There was a conflict of interest with the neurologist but from the physical test he did and my past medical history have managed to rule out MS. I have Parkinson’s disease he had recommended physio through the NHS and said to carry on my supplements, increase fish oils and go to the physio.
all I have to do is find another neurologist doctor in the country nearby who can confirm my diagnosis.

If I start to see positive effects from the 2000 mg of omega 3 fish oils and magnesium and zinc then I’ll see some improvement for now, obviously there’s no solution really due to only being 21 I wouldn’t be able to start dopamine medication until later in life. The only thing which worries me is there’s a risk of early Alzheimer’s later in life from some of my symptoms which can be attributed to that.

I know what I have and I will get answers it’s frustrating there’s conflict of interest with colleagues of his because the neurologist would of had to report them for neglect as anti epileptics make Parkinson’s worse they essentially caused it to progress so quickly through the treatment they gave me. Just have to see the other doctor soon later this year and get my GP on my side fully To help conclude so my dad can help me with putting forward and complaint and being able to get medical treatment and community support in the coming years.

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Goodness, what a time you are having. I am very sorry that things are all so difficult.

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You sound as though you are making progress and getting to some answers. Remember if you are working on making complaint that CAB will offer advice and might provide any advocacy. :four_leaf_clover:

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Yeah will be getting answers as it has been confirmed need to find someone where there isn’t conflict of interest with colleagues, who can formally diagnose Parkinson’s. Making the right steps and moving forward now.
Obviously it’ll never go away and will get worse eventually but can do things to try and sustain it, will be organising for the formal diagnosis and getting physical therapy sometime hopefully soon.

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Thank you it’s been a headache but feeling confident and somewhat relieved moving forward as I don’t have to question anymore I know it’s Parkinson’s it’s been confirmed today, just waiting for formal diagnosis now.

Thank you for being such a supportive and understanding figure lately. :slight_smile: