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BF has PPMS but keeps pushing me away

Hello,

I have posted on here before, on various boards.

I have been dating a man who has PPMS for 2 years on and off. We get on fantastically, and have a really good time when we are together. Last year he called it a day in March and said he wanted me to find someone else. We kept in touch, and then in the Summer I went to see him (he is a 2.5hr train ride away from me). He told me he missed me and we should keep in touch more.

I visit him every month for a long weekend, as have to work and am a single Mum. I love our time together and have told him that I want to be with him long term, however he is consistently pushing me away.

He told me that an ex was visiting him over the Summer and I asked him how I would feel if an ex of mine came to stay, he said not happy. I said that if he wanted to get back with her, I wouldn’t stand in his way. He said no, and he would send her to stay somewhere else or meet for lunch instead. He also told her about me.

I am unsure why he told me about her impending visit to be honest, as I would have been none the wiser if she had stayed with him. He says I should find someone else and I ask him if he doesn’t want me to visit to just say, but he never says so. I said if he wanted to spare my feelings, not to as I am a tough cookie and can handle it and still get asked to visit him.

He sent this, today:

"But I do feel you ideally want & need something more than you’re getting from me, in at least a couple of different ways. It feels you’ve often compromised to fit into what I want & can offer. And it’s one thing to initially be happy with a compromise but nowhere near as easy to live with it while the weeks & months pass."

I have told him that is not true and have told him more than once that I have feelings for him, and am met with silence. He told me he loved me when we first started dating (I have known him for 9 years but only been dating for 2), but then said he got carried away by saying it. He then said it in February then retracted and said it was a mistake. We went to Barcelona a few weeks ago and plan to go again in November. It was a real test as he said it would either draw us closer together or make us not want to travel together. As you can gather, it worked out well.

I have met his Mum and partner, he has met my eldest child, and my sister. I wouldn’t be asking to do those things if I wasn’t serious about someone, but that’s just me.

Not sure what to do here, he says he wants one thing but his relationship actions seem to reflect something else, or am I reading too much into it?

I know what MAY happen in the future for him, I have read about PPMS, he has told me and I have spoken to people with experience of it. I have Type 1 diabetes, and although totally different, have some idea of living with a long term health condition. He seems to have given up. We went out and we walked quite a distance. I asked him to try and get out even to walk around his house, for 5 minutes every day, he said he couldn’t be bothered. I said in terms of his mobility it could be a case of use ir or lose it, and was met with he didn’t care about that either. I told him that life was what you made it, and he said he had seen and done everything he wanted to do (he is 47). I said that was not so and he was talking like he was 97. I said that with a bit of planning, he could see more of the world and that I would go with him. He said no, there was nothing more.

I have told him that I will support him and he always says that I really look out for him He continually pushes me away, or gets close then retracts. He was diagnosed 12 years ago. He has no contact with the outside world and just speaks to me, his Mum and his ex via email occasionally. He has cut all his friends off and he says he is fine with being alone and likes to live a solitary life and is fine with it.

Not sure what to do here, have given him the option of the get out card more than once but he won’t use it. He said I am not his girlfriend and then insists on getting me a Valentines gift, even though I said there was no point as he didn’t view me that way even though we sleep together. He said I could face a future with no sex, and I told him we would cross that bridge when we came to it as there were other things we could do. He wasn’t convinced.

I don’t know what to do and also don’t want to lose him. However, he keeps saying I should find someone else, but then wants me around when given the option for me to be dumped. I cannot change anyone’s mind, or opinions.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Rocket xx

Hi Rocket, my advice would be to take a step back. Take him at his word, stop going to vist him and see what happens. This relationship seems to be totally dictated by him and his whims. You are to available( I am not saying this to hurt you) and too giving he needs a kick in the behind, let him see what he missing. If he does not put equal effort into the relationship it is doomed to failure anyway.

at least that way you will know if it is worth pursuing, life is to short, if it is not to be you are better off knowing and maybe finding happiness elsewhere.

best of luck,

ann x

If you are happy to be a ‘friend with benefits’ then continue if you’re not then tell him. Sounds like you want more yet he continually tells you that isn’t what he wants. I seem to remember a thread like this a few months ago are you that same person? If so your flogging a dead horse.

Put your energy into finding someone who wants what you want.

Best wishes

Jan x

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Hi Ann,

Thanks for your reply.

I did step back and didn’t see him for six months, when I went to see him he said he had missed me and wanted to keep in touch more and to visit him, hence here lies the confusion.

I had left a few of my medical items behind in the Spring (insulin/blood meter). He invited me over for dinner later the week I had visited, and all my things were still there even though I had told him I had spares and he could do away with them.

Not sure what to think really.

Rocket xx

Hi Jan,

Thanks for your reply and advice, and no that was not me who put a similar thread up.

Take care,

Rocket xx

just because he has MS doesnt give him the right to mess you about, i would tell him to make his mind up, lifes too short to waste time trying to second guess his feelings.sorry if it sounds harsh but its true.

J x

1 Like

Thanks Mrs.J, you are right.

Rocket xx