He wants me to walk away

Everyday living
1

I’ve been in an on/off relationship with a man for six years. He was diagnosed with MS two years ago and told last week that it is primary progressive MS. He is in his early 50’s with two older children and I am in my late 30’s, never married, no children. We are both financial stable, like-minded, very passionate for each other, and love each other very much. We were due to discuss the course of our relationship in the new year, but this latest news has really knocked him back and he instantly pushed me away and is insisting that I go on with my life without him.

I love this man with all my heart and I want to be with him no matter what package he comes with. I understand the challenges to come, and the sacrifices that need to be made. I also know there is a lot of life left to live and that I will be happier with him than in any other situation without him. I am choosing him, but he thinks I’m being naive and don’t fully understand the reality.

I really need some advice on what I can do/say to get him to listen to me without stressing him out.

2

What challenges does he think you will face?

Look I have PPMS, my late husband had COPD. He was working until he was 70 and still kind of going into work at 71.

He rarely took a day off. I had issues, but nothing that my careworker couldnt cope with and we had a good life together. we were together 28 years 17 were with me having MS.

He died in 2017 suddenly gone just like that. His illness was more challenging to us both then my MS. He went off sex quite a few years before he passed as he could barely breath, (you get the picture), but i just wanted to be with him, we loved each other totally he was my friend, my best friend, we were like to old pair of shoes comfortable shoes lol.

Now he is gone. Life is too short to worry about what might be or might not be, he has PPMS he needs to realise this is not the end of his life, but just the start of perhaps a new one with someone who will give him lots of love and comfort and you can make so many new memories together.

Tell him or ask him honestly do you love me? If you do then i am not going anywhere, so get used to it.

He is just in shock you can let him read this. or let him read this…

https://livingdailywithmultiplesclerosis.com/2018/04/01/the-empty-chair/

Since his death 2 years ago I am still here, still moving forward and looking towards moving again. I have PPMS and would never have pushed him away as we needed each other.

He is in shock and sees nothing but disability and despair, its not like that, nothing needs to change with your relationship ok yes there will be challenges of course they will but no different then in any relationship without or without MS.

Mike had COPD before i was diagnosed with MS and we just learnt to live with his issues. Not my issues his. I would never have left him because he had COPD.

what if you were married and he was diagnosed with cancer you wouldnt just walk away would you.

Like i said he is just in shock and making the usual YOU WILL BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME, this is almost kind of feeling sorry for himself…being stubborn and not seeing the big picture.

If he loves you, and you love him, tell him tough your not going anywhere. why should you.

1 Like
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CC has given you perfect experience based advice. Very eloquently put.

all the very best

mick

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Thank you for responding. I know he loves me and sees the positives in having this new, passionate, and fulfilling life with me, but he is a difficult and stubborn person. very insular with his emotions and how he deals with things. He is insisting I go find someone else, have children of my own, and be happy without him, but I just want him above everything else, in whatever way that comes for however long we have it.

I should add that our relationship originally began as an affair and he finds the impact it has had on his family all very stressful, which I know is a major contributor to his symptoms. We have tried to walk away from each other many times in the past and we are always drawn back together. I’m desperate to not fall into the same cycles we have been through before and lose the chance to finally have our time.

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could it be that your partner is using his m.s. as an excuse for finishing the relationship?

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Hi leandog , that sounds like me I’m married with two sons I love my wife very dearly but I dont want her to suffer because of my illness I want her to live a happy life , and not have to look after me , she would be so upset knowing I feel this way but it’s my journey in life and I love her enough to let her go it will break my heart doing this but she will better off in the long run I fully understand your terrible situation I really do I truelly hope things work out for you both subzero

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It is important you know that whilst you have honourable intentions with what you say, I can only tell you that you will cause her far more harm a million times over to leave her because of this, than you ever would by remaining with her. You have to be a team.

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No I don’t think so. He’s known of it for two years but only last week had more difficult news that it is primary progressive.

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Subzero.

No she wont be better off without you. When you get married its for life, in sickness and in health. Put the shoe on the other foot, would you want to walk away if your wife had MS or would you want to stay and be with her, through thick and thin?

I can never get why people assume how others should feel. She obviously loves you to bits and you think her life with you is a sufferance. She is obviously happy its NOT YOUR journey in life, it belongs to you BOTH.

How can you even contemplate pushing her away just to make you feel better about your journey and given a big sacrifice in doing so.

Just accept you have a wonderful marriage and wife and children, and if she wants to clean your bottom when the time comes to do so, then THAT IS HER DECISION not yours.

Just enjoy your life for now hun, what will be will be. If push comes to shove you can get careworkers in. cant you?

My brother in laws sisters husband had MS. They were together for 48 years and towards the end he became too disabled for her to care for him so they had a care worker. She was with him until he passed he had pneumonia and after six months she is still lost without him.

She isnt better off without him now and still mourning for the man she married and loved. xxxxx

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The ball is in your court isnt it. Cracoian made a good point, is he using his MS as an excuse?

If you know that he loves you and you love him, how dare he assume you are so insular that you would even contemplate going off and finding someone else, I mean really is there a shop one can go too where you can choose a clone of the man your loved and lost…hardly.

You love him because he is who he is.

Ask him say to him how do you expect me to just walk away and find another you? Your who I fell in love with, you cant force me to leave and love another.

I mean really its like a film script. You should watch Living with Yourself on Netflix. or he should so he can understand how you feel.

In our life time we are really blessed and lucky if we find the one perfect match for us, a person we can love totally with faults warts and all, and if we have time together before we have to part then we have to cherish those times.

I was lucky to have the one true love in my life and we enjoyed 28 years together, even now after 2 years a widow I do not want or do I seek solace with someone else. No thanks, I had my love and he is still in my heart, you cant just expect people to switch sides to make your own life easier it doesnt work that way, tell him that.

You both went through a lot to be together. he needs a shake lol. xxxx

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Thank you, you’re all being so helpful

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Hi LD, actually primary progressive sounds scary doesnt it but in actual fact it is considered more slow progressive then RRMS.

I think its a stupi name to be honest. Its MS but affects mostly the spine where RRMS can affect the brain and the spine and has relapses and remissions.

I have been ill it started 2000. I am still on my feet and walking only just but i can do it.

I have friends who have RRMS who are not in the same good place i am in.

everyone with PPMS has it differently.

Although this type of MS is progressive, treatment can really make a difference to PPMS. People with PPMS can have long periods of time when the symptoms don’t worsen.

If you’re living with PPMS, you can combine your medical care with ‘self-management’ — improving your quality of life with a healthy lifestyle.

from this web site. https://overcomingms.org/about-multiple-sclerosis/types-ms/primary-progressive-ppms?gclid=CjwKCAiA3OzvBRBXEiwALNKDP2ecEFXWCfqeFJYcB3hy4Og0KfCYFC5xu9BXqOeHvq_ZY7Fb_7csMRoCu2oQAvD_BwE

Maybe get him to read it. There is treatment now for PPMS and he may be a candidate for it.

Its not all doom and gloom having PPMS, i had a period of steady symptoms, since hubby died though it kind of has done a slight nose dive, but i am trying to stop it by being more healthy in my choices.

I hope you sort it out i really do. what will be will be. xxxxxxxxxxxxx MERRY XMAS. xxx

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After my diagnosis in the early days when I had my first relapse and couldn’t walk at all. I told my then boyfriend to leave me and have a better life with someone else. He told me he was going nowhere and we married and have two beautiful children together. I couldn’t imagine life without him. I honestly don’t think I’d be here without him!
your partner is just scared and probably feels that you’d be happier and better off with someone else like I did but my husband still adores me. Yes it’s hard and frustrating but most things can be managed. I feel for you and hope you manage to convince them of your devotion. Do the kids say anything? Do you have a good relationship with them?
sending you much love and hugs xx

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Hi lean dog and crazy chicks thanks for your reply , yes I would care for my wife night and day , I do honestly agree with what you both said , I have ppms I have just been diagnosed , I spoke with my wife how I felt about dragging her down she was so upset after talking to her , I felt terrible she reminded me that out of anyone in the world when she became ill I was by her side caring for her , in her hour of need , she told me it wasn’t just my fight but it was our journey together and she would never leave my side , I told her that I had posted my concerns on the ms web site and 2 lovely people had given me some great advice which we both thank you for thanks once again subzero

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I am filling up, reading this i am so glad you reached out to your wife. It is your both your journeys, and you have each other, what will be will be, but it will be a duet.

HAPPY NEW YEAR and a long life together. xxxxx

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Hi crazy chick thanks alot for your support a very happy new year to you too I really hope it’s a good year for us all subzero

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Me too it was a good start I won another 25.00 on the bonds lol. Now i just got to win my bungalow i am bidding on through our homeseeker council. xxxxx

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Hi crazy chick hope you win your bid on your bungalow fingers crossed that would be a great start to the new year for you good luck subzero

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Hi i am number 21. it was offered elsewhere but for some reason it is back on short-listing so never say never the saying goes lol. thank you for the kind thoughts hun. xxx

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Can not cope with m.s no more. Diagnosed a month before my 40th. I’m 52 now. Progressive it sure is. Other health issues I have and have turned to illegal drugs for pain. Told doctors. They say the drugs we give you will kill you. Drs words. I take over 20 prescribed tabs a day. I have had enough. No life just continuous pain and struggle.