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Not sure if right place but here goes

My husband has had MS for 50 years.
Of late his moods are erratic flys off the handle so easy.
Yesterday he had a massive anger moment rage whatever it’s called.
This is happening more and more anyone any help?
He is rude nasty argumentative he has changed so much this last year.
He has secondary progressive ms

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what age was he when it started?

Put yourself in his shoes. For example i have pain constantly all the time its relentless i am primary progressive battling this since about 1999. I lost my mum in 2016 and my beloved husband in 2017.

I get angry too over stupid things, not because i want to harm anyone just i hurt so much i get irritable really quickly. I feel bad afterwards i used to snap at my husband all the time that was back then.

its so draining just keeping going. I told my MS nurse yesterday, i just want to give in. I have no fight left in me. Perhaps your husband hasnt either. Maybe talk to him, ask him is there anything you can do to help make things easier for him?

I have no one to complain too i found myself being a bit short with my lovely old dog today and it made me angry at myself. everyday i wake up in pain at night, having to pee constantly, i am constipated. In the morning i struggle to get up, struggle to do things, its the same boring routine and i get angry with myself more then anything.

i dont expect he means to be rude hun. but i had a lovely life before i got sick great job home you name it now i am disabled and just getting old and miserable lol. xxxx

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Hello. Crazy Chick
He was 20 when this started he is 71 next month.
I always do put myself in his shoes I know im the only one who he can shout at but this is beyond shout we have talked about it all again this morning but his memory is not the best and he forgets His spasms are in control so he has no pain at all just so much damage done over the years.
You. need a friend shout xxx

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@Vonnie54 sounds an awful situation - my partner told me I was like that. He often felt I didn’t care that he was suffering from the effects of MS too, we almost parted after 32yrs. He sat me down and said ‘no more’, he wasn’t ‘the enemy’ and things had to change. We agreed that when I was causing embarrassment or if he saw me ‘being angry’ he would walk away and let me get on with it. It works for us. Perhaps if your involved with your local MS Team they’ll have seen it before and offer some ideas of how you might deal with it.

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How long’s it been since he had a checkup by your GP? If this is all rather sudden, it’s possible that there’s something else wrong that he may not recognize because of his normal MS symptoms, or it could be related to his age. Perhaps it’s a “simple” case of needing a prescription antidepressant.

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The problem is that cognitive damage over the years (and 50 years is a very long time to have been living with this horrible disease), can cause real changes of personality. Memory problems only exacerbate these periods of horrible anger.

I sometimes find myself snapping horribly at my husband. He does his absolute best for me but I still get furiously angry and take it out on him. I also forget things that have been said, have been known to swear red was green, that I told him X or Y (when I didn’t). Sometimes being totally honest, I’m horrible. Then I (usually) apologise. Although sometimes I don’t.

I’m aware of my irrational anger. I’m also aware of my cognitive problems. If your husband isn’t aware of his own, maybe he needs to be told. And to have it told to him again.

It’s really not fair that after all your years together he’s behaving like this. You do need to get some external help to make him see what he’s doing to you and to your marriage. Maybe your GP would be a good place to start, although getting him in front of the doctor might be challenging if he’s really not aware of his problems.

I’m sorry, I can’t come up with a nice neat solution for you. It’s a difficult problem for you to resolve. But you do need to, for the sake of your own health and self respect.

I wish you well.

Sue

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brilliant reply. i wasnt in the best place yesterday.

I know i was vile to my husband at times but he was a saint. we made a pact. I will have irrational anger and when i felt like it i put my headphones on and he knew to leave me alone until the red flag was taken away.

xxx

wow 20 thats a long time.

I agree with @NorasMom could something else be going on? Even if your not in pain having this disease must be hard work for 50 years.

so what is actually his situation now? I also agree with @Ssssue perhaps you both need councelling as well.

Your husband could be in early stages of dementia so i really think perhaps he needs to be assessed.

maybe you need to get away for a bit, can you not have some respite somewhere or your husband go into respite care to give you both a break?

Right now i am glad i live on my own, as i know i wouold be vile as i am so frustrated right now and in pain i could scream and throw things.

It must be so hard for him too i cant imagine most of my life being eaten up by this disease. xxxxx

big hugs.

Sorry yesterday i was in a bad place.

Sue,
Maybe no solution but it is reassuring (?!) to hear that we are not the only ones trying to deal with this stuff. I find myself getting snappy and 'orrible to my amazing wife and then hating myself for this just makes me angrier. My mum (who did not have MS) changed back to being a nice person once we had sorted out the chronic pain she was suffering, we had no idea.

I have no solution but talking about things rationally can help. Sending everyone big hugs.
Mick

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Hello again Vonnie

I was thinking about you this morning. I suddenly felt like I wanted to say something about you and the situation you are in.

In the course of this thread, although we’ve all been aware of you being the partner of this frustrated and angry man, we’ve tended to look at his situation a bit more than yours. Possibly reasonable, after all, we all have MS. Although we know we shout and get narky, irritated, angry, upset at our partners, we’re maybe seeing it from his perspective at least as much as yours and that might not be entirely fair.

So often we say to people, especially the newly diagnosed, that in a relationship, an MS diagnosis is something that you both have. Sure, the partner can walk away, and many people say to their wives, husbands, partners ‘you can/should leave me, it’s not fair on you’, most don’t.

And you didn’t. You’ve had an MS diagnosis in your life for 50+ years too. If your husband was 20 when diagnosed, what age were you? You’ve been there through good and bad and right now he’s spilling out his rage and fury onto you. It’s not fair.

Do you have help from carers for your husband? Do you get time away from him? Respite breaks even? You do need to look after yourself as well as him.

I hate the fact that I’m reliant on my husband and I have no independence at all. But, we make it that he can still go to the gym, he’s got a big bunch of friends there. He also goes for walks with friends. We’re lucky enough to live by the sea, so he walks on the seafront, or goes for cycle rides by the sea. He did go to watch the county cricket evening matches until last year but probably won’t be able to whenever they restart.

I think he’s OK with the amount of time he gets away from me right now, but looking forward he might need more.

What time do you have absent from your husband? I know how difficult that’s been of late because of Covid, (and that in itself might have had an impact on your husbands emotional state). But now life is opening up a bit more, I hope you are making some plans to do things apart from him.

It takes a special person to be married to someone seriously disabled. @Crazy_Chick , @Charlie_Mac , @Mogace , and me are/were fortunate to have that. We are all (were in the sad case of CC I’m sorry to say) married to people who have given a huge amount of love and energy to us. We are lucky to have them. Your husband too is lucky to have you, and it sounds like you haven’t heard that said lately.

Sue

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Hear hear Sue, partners get a rough deal, I did not expect this when we signed up “in sickness and health “ I do try to ensure that my wife spends time with healthy bi peds . Fortunately for us both she has an addiction to horses so she does get quite a bit of “MICK free” time which really helps. We often say to MSers “be kind to yourself “ I also think this goes for those indirectly affected by MS
All the best mick

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Ok let me tell you what we well I have done lol
I took my hubby for tests for Dementia and the tests showed nothing to big going on that was a phew moment.
But his cognition was and is bad retired early he was referred for counciling but nothing they could do as we get on so well 70% of the time :slight_smile: I know he has no pain I keep on top of it for him so when he tells me my mouth hurts I get the pills out as he has Diabetic 2 and has had a quintuple bypass all the nerve damage wonderful.He take pills every day for his heart type 2 and other meds for spasticity pain. He was quite independent but this year his driving licence was taken. from him. I did drive for a while but with a 6ft tall 14 stone man shouting and screaming as I drove not good. So got him. a mobility scooter so he can pop out do a few things for me.Makes him feel good .
I do try to talk. to him about all of this but he is like a goldfish lol gone in 30 seconds.
Problems we have is I try to get help from his new MS nurse when I do told not MS see GP they say this is MS you end up in a loop I know there is now easy solution but maybe some of the Carers may have a few tips as this is a whole new ball game.
Look after yourselves please xxxx

I think you’re right - I’m hoping when you get into carers’s discussion group you’ll get pointers that will be useful. In the end you might consider some talk therapy for yourself - that’s not to sound disrespectful! If you feel stuck, getting passed from pillar to post, need somebody to listen and somewhere just to catch your thoughts then a Counsellor might help you achieve these things. You might get it through here, MS Nurse will know somebody and your GP will have access to refer you. Whatever you decide I wish you every best thoughts.