Would like some advice on how to cope & deal with your loved one who has MS.
My partner who I love deeply can be acutely argumentative and say some very cruel things to me at times.
I have tried to talk calmly & pointing out what she is actually saying, but she just gets aggressive & accuses me of doing the exactly the same ie “you are raising your voice at me (even though I am talking in a low & calm voice)” or "you threatened me (after i used the word “warning signs”),
Please help, as I try my best to hold my own temper in check but end up blowing my own fuse when I seemed to be defending myself & end up storming off.
Her behaviour is just plain illogical & irrational, find this extremely hard to deal with.
I think when we’re having a cr*p time of it with MS, the effect on our partners, family & those who love us can be overlooked. Something that many of us can identify with are the different stages of grief - denial, anger, depression etc. We may find ourselves needing to grieve the loss of our old healthy lives. And you may find a lot you can relate to about it, so have a read up about it. Finding healthy ways to process our feelings is important. It’s perfectly normal & unsurprising to get angry about what’s happened to us, and suppressing it may not be the healthiest thing to do. Sometimes I’ll bury my head in a pillow and just scream, or get a cushion and whack it against the wall : )
To be honest though, I’m not sure how well it would go down to suggest that to her. Sadly I’m not sure what the best advice is about that.
But well done for wanting to be supportive & find out how to cope - sadly it’s all too common that our loved ones run away at the first mention of MS.
People who are very troubled can end up (quite unconsciously) playing some deeply unhelpful emotional ‘games’ in which the pay-off is getting the other person to exhaust his/her patience and storm off in a temper, at which point, the game-player has ‘won’. Because having MS is a deeply troubling thing, at least some of the time, there tends to be a fair bit of that sort of thing about in an MS household.
The ultimate pay-off for the (unconscious) game-player is, of course, driving the other person to call time on the relationship so the ‘winner’ can say, ‘oh poor me, no one loves me because I have MS - I always knew this would happen’.
I think the average partner of someone with MS will spend some time toughing out that sort of nonsense and hanging on in there if relationship is worth enough to him or her.
Of course, your and your partner’s situation might be entirely different and my thoughts totally off-beam. If so, apologies. The scenario I have described would not be an unusual one, but every household is different and I’m probably doing my usual thing of making too much of a small amount of information.
your advice is sound, it is nice to get your views on this as I do feel that at times I am alone in this and question wether it is me.
I am 50 and been with my partner over 20yrs, the situation has been progressively getting worse,I keep trying different tactics but so far to no avail, will try your very good suggestions.
I must be honest, when it has been really heated, have thought “is this worth it & leave” but after a day of calming down & hardly talking to each other, we get back to normal.
Dan, many years ago we had some brilliant industrial relations training at work; it used the Transactional Analysis model for looking at why (for instance) negotiations so often go off the rails and leave all parties feeling bruised and ill-done-by. It gave all sides some fresh insights into how to avoid some of those pitfalls. I have found the model to be incredibly powerful in normal everyday life and relationships as well. The Thomas Harris ‘I’m OK, your’re OK’ book was a revelation for me, and I’m normally allergic to self-help books.
Hi, been married for 44 years and still finding new ways that we annoy each other, without meaning to…or do we at times…mmm?
Hubby does his best to look after me, when there are no carers here…which is a chuffin lot of the time!
He has RA and during flares, can suffer quite badly. That was why I decided to get carers in…they take me out and give him a break…a much needed break.
Hubby isnt a talker, and I am and I like to sing (Mrs Bucket) and he hates to hear me sing…or talk…yeh, it`s no fun when one is heavily reliant on the other and the other does his/her best, through gritted teeth.
Hang in there kid, I`m sure she appreciates you deep down!
I just had to answer this. Wow this could be my hubby writing it lol. I am evil incarnate not all the time though. MS screws with our head and our bodies.
I am 65 my hubby is 70. He has COPD and probably in worst condition then me.
Why do i get irritable, and irrational and illogical… Well hum, where do I start lol.
I suffer with hyperacusis.
This rather unknown phenomenon in MS well it triggers a sensitivity to noise. Sometimes its so bad I feel like I am stood in an echo chamber, and it is literally hurting my head and my brain, I could scream. It even triggers more pain in my body. I feel like I could literally throw something at my husband. Irrational yes, can I help it NO. Its something i have to try and learn to live with. Its PAINFUL. Sadly it seems to be getting more and more frequent. When i get irritated with this I warn him now, and he is generally pretty good, and keeps out of the way lol and turns the telly down.
Fatigue. OMG have you have had the worse flu in your entire life, and just lay in bed stuck to the bedding, and you don’t want to move but you know you have too, or wet the bed. Fatigue so bad you would rather go hungry then get up and make yourself something? Thats the fatigue in MS. By 3pm i have literally had it. My battery has gone and I need to recharge. In my house, i am on my way to bed by about 5.30pm. Just dont talk to me, dont irritate me and dont get in my way LOL. The thing is too IF my husband would help me more in the house, then perhaps I wouldnt get so tired in the first place. Because I am a strong women my husband seems to think that its ok for him to leave his dishes, for me to wash, the tops of the cupboards covered in bits where he makes drinks or breakfast, and if he ever actually turned the hoover on I would collapse lol. He still doesnt get it that I need more help. But hey sometimes its easier for me to just do it.
My best time of the day is first thing in the morning. Once I have got past 11am, i am back on the road to being horrible, bitchy and a nightmare…tired, fed up.
Isolation. I am on my own a lot as I cant drive, or walk. I have help through direct payments and this lady takes me out when i have the strength, and helps me in the house for 10 hours a week. The rest of the time i am on my own, well i might as well be, as my husband tends to sit in the conservatory smoking and watch sports. Isolation is horrible, it is depressing. YES I AM DEPRESSED, I would love for my husband to just take me out somewhere, pictures (we have never been to the pictures in the 23 years we have been together), a meal, lunch somewhere, but he cant push me in the wheelchair because of his COPD. I bought an electric wheelchair he cant lift it into the back of the car, but anything he wants doing he does it.
Pain…oh yeh pain…OMG again going back to flu, have you ever had the worse flu in your life, just ache all over, your legs, arms well yeh everywhere? Times that by 10, and you will have the pain of some people with MS. I have Primary Progressive MS, and my legs buzz, tingle, vibrate, scold and burn, my foot hurts so bad in spasms, and my thighs somedays i could shoot myself. Yes when i am having a bad 10 day get out of the way, as I am an insufferable bitch who will make my husbands life hell.
The above are just some of the things I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH, in my day. Do I mean to be mean to my partner no I dont. We talked about this, and I explained to him how i felt, and now he has worked out for himself why i am behaving the way I am. I quite often will say SORRY to him, as I feel rotten about being rotten to him, but hey, thats life isnt it, we got married for better or worse in sickness and in health, sadly both of us dont have the health bit, nor the wealth bit either ha ha.
Be sensitive to your wives moods. Try and work out for yourself the triggers. Is there a pattern to it? Is she worse after a hard day, or a HOT DAY, as that is another time i get really horrible, the heat can turn me into a fire eating dragon lol.
But jeez i love my old man, and he loves me, he knew i was tired today, and even put Tesco away for me when it arrived. That put me in a relapse ha ha, so i have had to rest with the shock of it.
MS is a rollercoaster ride of extremes. I can have the worse nights sleep and be in awful pain, yet have the best day, then I can have the best nights sleep and be the biggest bitch ever.
Also you say you are 50. Is your wife going through menopause? Now that would be awful for her, as she has a double whammy not only her MS, but menopause too…ouch.
I am sure she is like me, she doesnt want to be mean, irrational, emotional, argumentative, and I expect arguments just drain her even more, but its like we simply cant help ourselves. I do think to myself its like having the worse form of premenstrual tension ever and I wish a bar of chocolate would be the easy fix.
I am amazed my old man is still with me lol, but hey then he aint perfect himself. He has his faults too, but we are good friends, and forgive each other.
Sorry i have rattled on, but i feel sorry for your wife because she is probably like me, hurting, tired, scared, anxious, frustrated, and depressed. No one asked to have MS, and if I knew how it was going to impact my life, I would have sent the damn thing back ha ha.
Laughter is good, go and take your wife out for a lovely evening, pamper her, massage her aching legs, plump up her cushions, and whatever you do, dont forget to put the toilet seat down, as otherwise you will have the demon on your back LOL…
