Hi, I had a bad argument with my friend last night. He’s been a fantastic support and takes me and my daughter every where. He wants me to leave my husband. My husband didn’t visit me when I was hospitalised. Won’t go to my daughters concerts and does nothing with us. He arranges his days off so that they’re when I’m at work and my daughter is at school. Financially I can’t afford to leave. My friend doesn’t want us to live with him. He’s in a one roomed apartment. He wants me to leave my husband or he won’t be there for me anymore. He also said I don’t do as much as I used to. He said my daughter is fab in that she did panto, played in an opera. Plays violin on a weekend and has a hectic social life. She’s 14. I take her everywhere to enable her to do this and the thrill I get to see her performing or just laughing with her friends is the best feeling I have. I miss my adventures but my daughter means I still get out. I don’t need reminding of the things I can no longer do. Don’t know what to do
What - you have a hubby who doesnt want to know and a boyfriend who does want to know but only on his terms? Seems like youve got no choice but to stay where you are until someone has the finances and youve got yours right to move in together. Even that step takes years of trust and getting to know someone. Why isnt the boyfriend making arrangements for you and your daughter to live with him by moving to a larger property?
Sorry but I think you are better with the life you know than the one which may be even more isolating because anything on someone elses terms isnt an improvement and you would be a sitting duck so to speak for his convenience.
If your miserable try pluck up the courage to move somewhere on your own, then be in charge of any relationship in that it has to be better than any arrangement you have now. I wouldnt wait for any man who dictates terms, nor put myself out for someone who doesnt fancy changing his life to accommodate me.
We are sometimes stronger than we think we are, especially if in a dead end marriage with so much negativity around. Sometimes we cannot see a brighter future unless we do something about it ourselves and not rely upon another relationship to remedy the main issues - that of you being an important human being deserving of a life in your own right first, then perhaps complimented by another decent man who loves you and your daughter and is willing to organise things, knowing your disabilities have to be accommodated too. What does this other man want, you at his convenience?
x
Friends, real friends, don’t lay down ultimatums like that. And real friends support each other, not use emotional blackmail. Sorry to be blunt but is this man really a friend? He sounds like a bully…
As for the problems you and your husband are having, have you thought of asking your husband to go to counselling with you? Rather than couching it in terms of blaming him for not doing things with you, you could try and say things like, “The MS is hard for a family to deal with, that it affects everyone in a family and can put strain on a relationship and that you would like some help dealing with things, could he come with you?”
Your daughter sounds a gem, by the way. You must be very proud of her. She sounds a real credit to you
Take care
B
My husband just isn’t interested in me and our daughter to do things with us. He’s happy to sit at home and read. Been together for 14years and although the romance has gone I still think of him as a friend and think how the hell would he cope without me. He doesn’t shop, cook, clean,or do diy but is good at helping my daughter with history. Don’t want this forever. Sometimes I feel like an unpaid home help.And now I feel like I need the help. My daughter is fab
Here’s my tuppence worth…Your friend has probably made the ultimatum 'cos he sees it as a way of getting you and your daughter away from that ‘fraction of a husband’. He might be very frustrated 'cos he can’t do anything about him.It looks as if the Girl will do better away from her father,and I’m guessing there are decisions and exams for her soon,so stability is important.
Maybe you could do a deal with your friend…Get accommodation big enough for the three of you,give it a trial period,if it works you’ll get a divorce,and then you and him can see what’s what.
Good luck,
Wb x
My husband just isn’t interested in me and our daughter to do things with us. He’s happy to sit at home and read. Been together for 14years and although the romance has gone I still think of him as a friend and think how the hell would he cope without me. He doesn’t shop, cook, clean,or do diy but is good at helping my daughter with history. Don’t want this forever. Sometimes I feel like an unpaid home help.And now I feel like I need the help. My daughter is fab
There is an old saying…
New BroomSweeps Clean, But old Broom Knows All The Corners : )
Kim
This isn’t easy for anyone involved, you and your daughter are the IMPORTANT factors in this.
Maybe your husband is finding it very difficult to accept your diagnosis, and his way of coping is to ignore it and you. Why is your friend demanding that you leave your husband? Does he think you can provide for him too? He may have been lovely by taking you out quite a lot but “lovely” doesn’t usually last long term.
Of course, you could view this as a test of your own capabilities, and consider counselling via the MS Society. An assessment would determine if you needed relationship counselling or another area. I’d strongly recommend you have counselling before making any decision about whether to leave your husband or not.
As for your friend, well, I’d be inclined to tell him to get lost. He is complicating the situation and you have to sort out your life for you and your daughter - that may mean you realise just how happily married you once were and perhaps realise that the grass is NOT greener on the other side…it just looks that way. OR, it could mean you realise your marriage is dead and you can move on…just you and your fab daughter.
I wish you luck x