I would have been a tad miffed had my OH done this and would have called him a selfish g!t but then I like to think we could have laughed about it, it certainly wouldn’t have made me sacrifice my own tea , at least he got a kebab for you.
The stress management course seems to have been wholly unhelpful for you (although your husband, knowing you best could have perhaps predicted your reaction and made a pre emptive strike to avoid it?).
If I were you, I’d go and discuss this with your GP, living on such an extreme ‘high’ stress wise is hugely deteramental to your health and your relationship(s).
I’ve seen plenty of mis-spellings and no doubt have been responsible for a few myself (…trouble is, this forum doesn’t let you correct posts before they’re published).
One of my faves is the incorrect use of the English language, where the wrong word (albeit spelt correctly) gets used quite frequently.
Having become more familiar with this board, I now know not to depend on software saving me if I can’t be bothered to re-read/correct my posts before publishing them!!
No doubt I’ll continue to get things wrong, so everyone is welcome to correct any spelling mistakes they see in my posts (…hopefully, I’ll get better as a result). Just be gentle with me!!
That was a bit much- i’m a wheelie and dont get out much- i woulda been pi$$ed but wouldnt have threw my nom-noms at him- i would have huffed-seriously huffed -and made him play payback for a long time, make him feel guilty as sin and get my own way for a few weeks- emotional blackmail always works a treat, you dealt with it on the spur but maybe next time (and gawds know there WILL be a next time) play it smart, use your head not your hand
Really? Seems to me you do take notice, otherwise you wouldn’t be quoting it I think she makes a good point. Everyone I know who has ‘mental or emotional issues’ does not behave like that. I don’t behave like that.
Having emotional or mental issues caused by the MS STILL is not an excuse to behave badly. I’m sorry Pat but your behaviour was extreme. There are so many other ways you could have handled what was really a slightly aggravating situation.
I am also in a wheelchair and I am on anti-depressants and have cognitive problems due to the MS. I am also a single mum and have multiple illnesses one of which is far more severe than MS and is potentially fatal with no warning if I don’t keep on top of it very, very closely so my stress levels are very high and I often feel I am living on a knife’s edge.
BUT there is no way I would throw food at my daughter if she didn’t do something I wanted her too. That would be child abuse! There are many times in raising a teenager in my situation where I feel pushed to the very edge of my coping skills but I have learnt that when I think I might lose my rag and blow my stack it is far, far wiser to step back (or roll back) take myself away and breathe deeply for a few minutes.
I have found that yelling and screaming gets everybody exactly nowhere. All it does is create anger and resentment and that doesn’t help to resolve the problem that caused the upset in the first place.
I realise you were disappointed by Mark’s actions and felt let down and even betrayed by him but let’s pretend the evening had unfolded differently…
Mark: Here’s your kebab
Pat: Where’s yours?
Mark: I got hungry and couldn’t wait and had a steak roll.
Pat (Big sigh and pause while she counts to 10): Oh bum. I was really looking forward to eating together. Oh Mark, that has really upset me. Why did you do that?
Mark: Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t realise that it was so important. I was starving because we had missed dinner. Tell you what… I’ll get some chips to nibble to keep you company while we sit in the Square.
See the difference? Where as you instantly lost your rag, threw your food at him and that is hardly going to put Mark into a pleasant or conciliatory frame of mind, is it?
In Mark’s eyes he probably didn’t commit any terrible crime. People very rarely actually deliberately set out to be as nasty as possible to another person.
There is always another way of looking at every situation Pat. And judging by the responses on here, the vast majority of people do seem of the opinion that your behaviour was out of line. Can you not reflect on what happened and try and look at it through some else’s eyes and see it from another perspective? If you had been on the receiving end of the kebab I am sure you would be furious. If you were a witness to such a scene in the street between another couple how would you react? Try and let go of all the anger for enough time to see it in perspective and maybe you will also then see that you didn’t need to over react.
However if you feel that your MS related emotional and mental problems are that out of control that your are unable to manage your behaviour in socially appropriate ways maybe you should be considering a referral to a specialist Cognitive Behaviour Therapist or other psychologist to assist you.
I really hope for your sake Pat, and for Mark’s, that you do learn to understand and to manage your anger and impulse control problems.
Pat, you are ignoring the anon posts. Fair enough. But what about the people here who are posting under their names and giving you some really good advice about the way you behaved. Who are trying to get you to see the effect that reacting like this would have on your husband and family?
Why are you also ignoring that? Is it better to be right and alone than to admit when you’re wrong and be surrounded by people who do their best to support you?
If you carry on in this way you will drive people away from you because nobody could or should put up with that kind of treatment. Keep it up and eventually people will stop trying to help and start walking away no matter how justified you feel that behaviour is.
Pat I just think you aren’t hearing what you want to hear.
Have you taken anything constructive from the other posts at all? Have you sat and thought about what people are trying to say to you? Did you just expect that people would support your behaviour? Were you looking for advice because there has been some good advice given?
I suggest maybe asking for the thread to be closed, log off for a week and come back and read the replies and try to be more objective about them. I don’t think you are being bullied. I think that you are of the opinion that your behaviour was ok and others are of the opinion that it was appalling.
Take a bit of a break and cool off and then try to come back and look at the advice that was given in this thread as opposed just seeing the negative. You are not being abused. No way.
There are people who are trying to get through to you about your reactions and over reactions to things. I really think you need to try and see that.
Disagreeing with someone isn’t bullying or abuse. Nobody here has been abusive from what I can see.
Your OP wasn’t about looking for advice about an incident. It was more of a boasting about losing the cool and I think that is what people reacted to. If you had the incident and came on and said “I’m so worried, I totally lost it today, I’m so ashamed of my behaviour etc” then it would have been a very different thread.
When did disagreeing with your behaviour become ‘abuse’, Pat?
I must’ve missed something (…not for the first time).
Could you please help me by specifying where you were ‘abused’ - I’m sure this will also help the Society’s Managers & Forum Mods. (I honestly don’t think ‘abuse’ would be tolerated and appropriate action would be taken)!
What if the Managers/Mods don’t agree with your view - Presumably that would make them bullies too ?!!
One last question, if I may: Who is helping with your emotional/mental problems? Surely there are others experiencing these issues - Are there any useful suggestions for trying to tackle this ?
I’m sure everyone here has at some point has said or done something they immediately regret or has just plain lost their temper. I’m not particularly religious but I will leave you with two comments from the bible
Let him who is without sin, cast the first stone
and
Judge not, lest you be judged
Can everyone now just draw a line under this thread and move on - whether you agree with what the lady did or not, the way this thread is going is detrimental to everyone on this forum and upsetting for some.
I’m sorry Pat, but nowhere did it come across you were asking for help with this behaviour. It sounded as if you thought (perhaps still think?) Mark entirely deserved it, and the only support you wanted was a round of applause, and a: “Well done, that really showed him!”
You now feel “abused”, because a lot of people did not applaud your behaviour, and in fact their sympathies lay mostly with Mark.
I’m sure if you’d worded it a different way - that you were upset, shocked or worried by your reaction (not just by what Mark had done), and wanted help to stop it happening again, you’d have got an entirely different crop of responses.
I think Pat, you are a very rude, angry lady that just wants a fight. I am not bullying you when I say this, I am just saying what I see. You have had some good advice, and I don’t really see where you get the bullying theory from. Your replies every time have an aggressive tone. If you post something on a public forum, you must expect people to give their opinion. If you don’t like that, then don’t post.
I have to disagree with the majority here - I do think this is a form of bullying and I think that some people have said things that were uncalled for. If anyone actually took the time to have contact with pat one to one you would know that she is actually having a hard time and I think a lot of people misunderstood her post. Pat wasn’t saying her behaviour was acceptable - she was on here as a cry for help and if people read between the lines a bit they would see that. I personally think this thread should have been closed down a while ago which is why I didn’t comment sooner as I didn’t want it to escalate. However it has continued and some people have been said things that border on bullying. Enough is enough now - moderators should have shut this thread down a while ago.
Being honest, that didn’t sound like you were at all sorry about your behaviour and it set the tone of the post. Not at any point in that post or in subsequent posts did you clarify that you were sorry for your actions even though people asked you if you had apologised.
People can only go on what you post. You had ample opportunity to clarify how you felt about the event or what “advice” you were actually looking for. People here aren’t mind readers and our posts are taken as they are.
If there is some hidden messages then we cannot know unless you clarify.
So, do you feel that you acted badly? Did you apologise to your husband? Did you clean the car? Are you taking steps to ensure you don’t over react like that again? Have you taken any of the constructive advice here on board?
“What if the Managers/Mods don’t agree with your view - Presumably that would make them bullies too ?!!” “Yes, it would. Allowing online bullying is a dangerous game!” So what you are saying, is anyone who disagree’s with you is a bully…is that correct?
Pat, to respond to the quote of mine you used above… yes, you did post immediately on the MS Support Forum but in a way that led nearly everybody to think that you were boasting of your exploits and that you were expecting congratualtions for having put Mark so smartly in his place.
However when the majority of public opinion has gone against you it appears you are now trying to change your story and are now claiming you posted seeking support and help for your actions. Well, if that is the case it certainly didn’t read that way and indeed not one of your replies has really indicated that since either.
Firstly I never called you a disgrace and secondly I am not denying that the MS may have caused mental health problems for you. However having a mental health problem is NOT an excuse for poor behaviour. You still have to take responsibility for your actions which would include an apology to Mark and further attempts to understand and learn to manage your impulse control and anger issues as I suggested earlier.
You may not be able to help having mental health problems but that doesn’t mean that you have no responsibility in managing your behaviour.
I shan’t bother replying on this thread again, Pat, as I have attempted to offer genuine and concerned advice as the thread evolved and it became clearer that you felt so very hurt by Mark’s behaviour but since it is glaringly apparent that the only ‘support’ you want is applause and a pat on the back for your clever way in dealing with Mark I am afraid I have nothing further to offer.
I do hope that as Meme very sensibly suggested you do take some time to reflect on this thread and reread it in a few days when some of the passions have subsided. Perhaps asking Mark to read it with you could be helpful too?