I’m continually on the receiving end of abusive behaviour when my husband struggles to do even the smallest of jobs and either injures himself or breaks whatever won’t go right. Seriously getting sick and tired and wondering if there is any reason to stay together. Absolutely zero respect from him.
So difficult for both of you.
Perhaps I can answer you as someone with MS and how it has affected my wife? I can see both sides
I occasionally snap at my wife when I’m in pain. I stumbled recently and jarred my hip as I recovered balance. In the moment I snapped at her because whatever she said was not welcome and absolutely not what I was dealing with. What ensued was an argument along the lines of “there was no need for that” followed by “I was in a load of pain and all you can think about was my lack of manners”. I shouldn’t have snapped at her but she should have got things in proportion, so we were both wrong.
MS is a living nightmare for those of us stricken with it. It takes away bits of us, relentlessly (particularly when progressive rather than RR), and it’s a battle to stay positive and to stay “normal” for those around us. The fact is, the situation is not normal at all and us sufferers are working like mad to present as normal. You are fortunate that your husband is so determined to do things for himself because the alternative is that he gives up and becomes a burden. It will take him 10x as long to do ordinary things as it used to and tire him out in the process, but he’s fighting like mad to retain independence for as long as he can.
It’s because he respects you that he’s trying so hard not to be a burden, but it’s hard for him. The effort to do normal things is tiring him out and when he fails to complete something, he takes the failure personally, because at that moment, he feels that he has let you down. At precisely the moment you feel like having a go at him for being unpleasant is the moment when you should be consoling him for trying his best.
Thanks for taking time to comment.
Unfortunately this is not isolated instance. Abusive, sulking, not eating, going to bed at anytime from 4pm and no longer wishing to share my company is frequent. I fail to see how this behavior is going to change, or indeed if he even recognises its unacceptable.
I work, care for him, take responsibility for pretty much everything, not out of choice but necessity.
Illness is not a reason to be abusive. Says I’ve changed and behavs like the victim. Can’t calmly discuss anything to allow us both to have a better understanding of each others feelings. Has attempted to take his life, lost count of those events sectioned last summer. I’m loss for what I can do, other than save myself.
I’d say save yourself. You’ll be no use to him if you go under in the process of looking after him.
Whilst in the previous post I compared my similarities to your husband, I differ markedly in terms of being abusive, sulking, not eating and definitely not the suicidal tendencies. You really do have your hands full.
Can I suggest some respite care for him and therefore some time apart for the two of you. A chance for both of you to reflect.
Also, consider getting a life for yourself, enabling you to do the thi8ngs you can no longer do together. My wife took the kids skiing earlier this year and has taken the youngest to London to see a couple of musicals. I’ve even asked her if she should get a lover to satisfy her physical needs and she was horrified. We’re not at the point of the last one, but indicative of the open mindedness required when dealing with MS. Don’t reject anything.
Its all so unnecessary. Think that’s why I’ve not given up yet! We have our own comfortable home, no mortgage. Adult children all happily married with 7 grandsons between them. All live close by, have regular contact and not wealthy but enough income to do more than survive. I’m now convinced most of the issues aren’t actually MS related but more personality disorder like narcissus or similar. Maybe ms has made it impossible to disguise now. Endless and years of mental health intervention for depression. Continually demands attention and if not forthcoming results to suicidal behavior.
Im so fed up living like this.
Then tell him. It might jolt him out of the abusive rut he’s got himself into.
Just read through and you clearly need help. Carer’s can often neglect themselves; sometimes whatever they do it is never enough. You need help and support, you might find the following article useful.
There may be support groups and numbers you can contact.
As regards your husband’s behaviour, are your grown children aware? Are they providing opportunities to provide some respite for you, let alone looking to see if there are respite opportunities for your husband.
You say you are reasonable comfortable can you use those funds for daily support. I imagine he won’t want it. This may be where you have to be strong, and insist, he accepts support. Ultimately he needs to know that ‘we get along, or I will be gone’.
As Graeme says MS touches not only those that have it but impacts on those that love them on a daily basis. It is both draining for both for different reasons. Each having a whole range of needs that need to be met.
Think of you,do whats best for you.It might be easier on you if you lived on your own,at least you would not have the stress of dealing with him.I have had ms 30 years now and i lost my husband when i was 38,i have a partner who is good,but suffers with anxiety and depression and stresses me out a lot,and my ms suffers because of how he is.
You sound like you are aware of your wife’s needs and the importance of supporting her to di activities you no longer or are unable to realistically participate.
Ive told him, in the past that when partners get ill its not in my moral ability to abandon ir walk away, that doesn’t mean im prepared to accept abuse.
His general mental health has always beeb poor, it took some years, many before his diagnosis for me to realise much of his behavior is not ok.
He often sought work that took him away from home to different continents, not just uk or even Europe.
The diagnosis 16years ago now was on the back of serious relapses and bullying himself with ridiculous demands on his body.
I now know his frequent absence allow us to continue to be married. I know this change to his preferred lifestyle is at the route of his anger, extreme unhappiness and despondency to normal home life, which he has always struggled with.
I too wish he was able to continue to work and travel all over the world! But meanwhile we he has, despite his lack of investment in family life, has 3 adult children who are always supportive. But they too struggle with his poor attitude and ‘crying wolf’ suicidal behavior. Not doing the things to keep himself well, drinking alcohol and getting serious UTI’s following and waiting to respond until he collapses and needs hospital. Last one 4 weeks ago, resulted in permanent catheter, which after 48hrs of being home pulled out himself, which must have been painful!
Is continuously on self distruct and risk taking to jeopardise his life.
If no sign of improvements tiday, i need to contact AMH for guidance.
Time for a new patio ?
And hes just attacked me verbaly and aggressively again
I have had 27 years of gaslighting and underhand abuse. It culminated 6 years ago. Was like Pandora box. And has only got worse. My husband vowed to change to bextrue. He just became angry bitter and secretive. He was diagnosed with MS few years ago …excessive substance abuse… and until today he has lied to me and our sons.
The MS inhibtion can explain sone of his behaviour but i think it was just an extra nudge.
Im actually sad for our sons. But his arrogance anger and vitriol and humilition of me is shocking. Id never hate someone so much. I think i. Seen as a barrier to his other life.
Its just crushing seeing a man who cares more about himself than his sons or wife or anyone. I tried
Just reading your sad story. I too have an aggressive and stroppy husband who blames me for everything that is bad in his life truth is without me his life would be considerably different, im not sure for the better hough as i do everything for him.
My life would be!he’s a drinker that is euphoric one minute and wants to be dead the next.
Accusing me of being an awful wife, when the opposite is the case.
This just isn’t MS, there have always been traits of personality disorder, i just didn’t understand what was happening. No Internet 40 years ago, n ppl just thought he was a bit different, or as he likes to believe, special.
I feel ur pain. If you have the opportunity and you are brave , get away now. Too late for me, I’ve spent a lifetime working hard to create a comfortable home and now retired, my options aren’t really great.
We have emotional blackmail and he feigns suicide.
Thanks graham think you hit nail on yhe head my hubby akways feels a burden gets frustrated hates seeing me doing all heavy duty tasks he used to do however i can empathise with carers too we are only human