I am so fed up and have no one to talk to, I am married and have been with my husband 23 years, he has been really supportive mostly even though I know my condition is getting him down, on occasion’s though he can make me feel like the biggest waste of space that ever lived. I am so tearful today we have argued over the last two days as he feels I am not pulling my weight around the house and everything is left to him, I do what I can but walking, balance and nerve pain is a big issue for me, on top of that its my birthday tomorrow and I know he is getting tetchy with me because he feels guilty as he has no money to get me a present he does this every year around this time. I have two adult children who live at home and they don’t help him, he doesn’t ask and if I suggest they do help they side with him that i’m lazy, I want to do everything like I have always done but I cant physically, I am trying so hard but it feels like for nothing, i’m now working four days a week at home full time and one day in the office so I can continue to contribute to the household bills but I feel that the struggle I go through to do this is no longer appreciated. Our sex life is non existent and when I push the matter I either get told im ill or im shoving myself on him like a prostitute I have always had the higher sex drive this has decreased to nothing and I am desperately trying to not let him notice this as happened to me as well as everything else that’s gone wrong by trying to initiate things on a regular basis but to no avail. sorry its long but just needed to get everything out instead of keeping it bottled up
flappyfeet,
sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. It sounds a bit like your husband and children do not know how you are feeling. We spend a lot of time and effort on not letting our conditions to be seen or obvious because we strive to be “normal” Unfortunately we are not in the same condition as most people. Would your husband and children treat you differently if you had a broken bone and plaster cast? It might be possible to explain how you are feeling or the additional effort for you to do stuff without feeling inadequate or bad about yourself. IT is not you, IT is your condition (not an excuse - just how things are) You can get them to try the housework whilst wearing mittens or with bags of sugar tied to their feet or wearing someones glasses or after 3 laps of the local sports track, anything to help explain how things actually are for you.
So to answer your question “being strong” can and should include people knowing and understanding that the starting point is different for you.
Good luck
Mick
What can I say to ease your feelings of being lonely/alone.
Each day is a struggle for some and it sounds as if you are doing as much as you possibly can to keep going…I hope you find a way to reach your OH and adult offspring and help them to understand your feelings.
I hope someone will find the words to help you go forward.
Ell
Hi Flappyfeet
Stop trying to hide the fact that your sex drive has changed, a hard decision to make I know but one that will relieve you of an awful lot of stress in the long run. Once the decision has been made it will lift a weight of you.
With regard to your husband and adult children not helping with the housework - oh I wish my Father could have a word with them, he’d call them selfish b&$%@<%s , and read them the riot act; by the way my Father is 82 and has always helped with the housework/child rearing. They can certainly do their own laundry, keep their own rooms spotlessly clean, clean the bathroom/shower after they have used it, wash up mugs/plates etc. that they have used.
And as for calling you lazy - Seriously?! They don’t lift a finger around the house and they call you lazy? Selfish b&$%@<%s!
They got it dirty - they can clean it. I had this problem with my husband when we first moved in together - he’d been raised to believe that men did NOT do housework, we both worked full time and I’d get home to him sat there with his feet up demanding cups of tea and wanting to know when tea would be ready, and did he have any clean socks - I went on ‘strike’, only cleaning ‘my’ areas ie. my chair, my side of the bedroom, the shower after I’d used it etc. I even went as far as only cooking for myself and leaving his dirty dishes to one side; he lasted just short of a fortnight before he put his first ever load in the washing machine and started doing the dishes/hoovering.
My husband has a bit of a paddy around the time of my birthday too - not a lot we can do about that one unfortunately, except to keep telling them that we don’t need mega-bucks presents.
Hang in there Flappyfeet, get a load of MS leaflets from this site and put some in every room in the house - who knows, perhaps your husband and children will read them and decide to start pitching in.
Theresa.
I agree with Theresa.
It’s not you!!! It’s your OH and kids that are at fault.
Like Theresa says get lots of leaflets and get them to read them.
Remember we are all here for you whenever you need to offload.
Take care sweets and remember you’re not alone!!
Shazzie xxx
[quote=TheresaB]
- I went on ‘strike’, only cleaning ‘my’ areas ie. my chair, my side of the bedroom, the shower after I’d used it etc. I even went as far as only cooking for myself and leaving his dirty dishes to one side; he lasted just short of a fortnight before he put his first ever load in the washing machine and started doing the dishes/hoovering.
I wish I did this with my ex-boyfriend, I was the mug that carried on cleaning up after him for a few years. Never again…, I will be talking ground rules if I ever live with a new partner.
Flappyfeet
It sounds like you are doing a lot, the four days work at home fulltime and one day on the office. I’m sorry to hear it’s hard for you.
xx
Oh this make me so cross. Sounds like your grown up “kids” are still just that… kids. Immature kids. Have they always been run around for? Have they never been allocated chores when they were small? Their father shouldn’t have to ask for their help nor should you have to suggest they do! I wish I could call in and visit!!!
I think it’s time to call a family meeting. Do it calmly and assertively. Give the time and the day and tell them you will want them all present. No excuses! Tell them there will be NO raised voices and interrupting. You’ll all get to speak your mind I’m sure.
This will give you a little time to gather your thoughts and what you want to get across. If you feel you might flounder about what you want to say/achieve, jot down a few bullet points to keep you on track. Speak calmly and assertively so it doesn’t seem like you’re whining, but just making very reasonable requests! Let all of you say how you feel one by one, and do you know what, don’t be afraid to let them see you cry. I don’t mean be a blubbering wreck, but sometimes it doesn’t do any harm to let them see their Mum upset. All our lives we seem to strive to protect them, to shield them from our pain and grief. They need to understand that you are grieving for the loss of part of you that’s missing. Gone. We try, as women and as mothers, to be all things to all men, and this just isn’t possible.
It’s no wonder the sexual desire is gone. The human body can’t function in this way when under stress/anger/despair/depression. It’s very hard to feel loving towards someone when there is underlying anger. It’s ust as hard to be “loveable” in the same way. If you let this situation carry on it will become explosive and all sorts of things will be said and done. Sometimes these then cannot be undone. I really wish you all the best. x
hi flappyfeet
oh love i wish you lived near me.
i’d call round with a couple of assertive female friends, we’d sort your menfolk out and take you to the pub!
even if you don’t drink, your lot sound the type who would think women shouldn’t go to pubs.
do you know what? i think they damn well fully know that they are being unreasonable!
emmeline pankhurst was born 100 years before i was and she lived at the other side of manchester.
we need strong, feisty role models.
i used to be strong and feisty before my myelin was attacked from within.
i can still scare the cr*p out of them when i want!
poppy’s suggestion of a family meeting is a good starting point.
take it from there and i hope you get a decent response.
if not i’ll be round with the female heavies!!
hugs to you
carole x
Years ago my husband (ex now) and two teenage children bitched constantly about the food I cooked and prepared. We didn’t have much money so I had to plan carefully. It involved a lot of filling things that were inexpensive and easy like sausages! They stuck their nose up once to often at sausages and nobody offered any help or extra money towards buying better food so I bogged off for 24 hours and didn’t tell them where I was going and when I came back I put them on the porridge diet. Yes, porridge for breakfast, lunch and tea. Nourishing, warming, full of vitamins. They lasted two days before realising the error of their ways.
What my children did say when they were a lot older, was that communication is the key. They were teenagers and a bit thick so I needed or should have said very calmly and clearly what help or positive things were needed and not expect them to realise I was in need of help or that something needed to change. Not so thick after all!
You have some wonderful advice above that I agree 30th. You work full time and they say you are lazy??? HOW dare they! Hope you get a satisfactory resolution soon. Sending lots of female strength. Anne x
Oh I am grrrr-ing for you big time!
This is just unacceptable and cant be allowed to continue.
Those kids of your`s need telling a few home truths.
Kids can be blind to what their parents are going through, as long as they are getting everything they want!
They are old enough to see what`s in front of them, if they only open their eyes and minds to it.
Your hubby, should be somewhat different. You, his long term love and spouse, deserves to be treasured and cared for.
Of course you know all this and it`s easy for me to spout all these obvious things.
But it is you who has to start the ball rolling to improve things.
You`l have to pick your moment carefully, perhaps when the kids are out and your hubby is in quite a placid mood.
Tell him how much you are hurting…how much help you need…how your condition makes you feel…
And then get him to tell the kids, with or without you being there.
Lastly, is it time to cut back on the working hours?
I do hope you can start to overcome the problems facing you.
Lord knows, we struggle enough with these rotten conditions, without having our nearest and dearest on the other team!
luv Pollxx
Who are your allies? It does sound as though the household has got itself into a right old rut in which you feel that you have to - well what, exactly? - pay your way, work your passage, justify your existence - I don’t know but it sounds like a pretty flipping outrageous state of affairs to me. Those sort of tired old ways of behaving can get awfully ingrained without a bit of disruption to stir the pot a bit. External disruption might be a part of this - it might be hard for you to generate all the necessary energy and to stand firm against the inevitable opposition, all by yourself.
So do you have someone, maybe on the sidelines, who knows the score, who perhaps is a respected senior family member or friend, who could help you to stir the pot a bit? Maybe someone looking on, concerned, but not wanting to interfere without invitation? It sounds awfully lonely for you in there. It does sound a bit as though someone needs to shake the snow-scene and help you and your loved ones to take a fresh look at what gets done in your house and by whom.
Good luck.
Alison
Gone through the same thing but my action was rather drastic to sort it, but ui feel great after,
PM message sent
Hi I know where your at. I have been together with hubby 23 years, 2 adults who one never visits me or rings me, the other has got a bit better since my mum died, and actually is making an effort now.
I have always been strong and coped thats who I am, and I wanted to stay that way.
OK what you do is NOTHING. You do your job and you let the lazy Bxifillzx,akelhahflyyyy??? who live with you feed themselves, do their own washing, and tidy their rooms. I bet YOU do it all now am I right? IF you do STOP forthwith. You only deal with your own stuff, discussion is not an option. So thats one bit sorted out.
As to sex, stop trying leave it alone if you dont fancy it now anyway why bother. It was my husband who stopped BEFORE I got sick lol, now it suits me, as i dont fancy it anyway, and when i do, well use your imagination there is more then one way to skin a cat lol, so i deal with it for myself.
I stopped caring about worrying about my family and my hubby not helping. I really dont care anymore. I stopped communicating with my 2 daughters and one has started to come back, the other one will follow when xmas comes around i can guarantee she will want to come with the two grandkids for dinner well she can come if she cooks.
I am lonely too. You have a job and i am sure you must have friends, so why not go out with one of them and make it regular. You live with the monsters you create with family and sadly you have made your children into lazy beings, who think its their rate they live with you, sponge off you, and do nothing.
Now its your turn to stop, let them fend for themselves, and you have a life.
We are bookends, sadly being strong is a curse when one is chronically sick as peoples expectations are we can still be the same people, we cant, and its up to us to educate them. Good luck. x Be strong, be an MS WARRIOR.
A parent of two very demanding but quite sick children (my previous charity role) told me that even sick kids take the biscuit. She said she tried all sorts of things till she found out the only answer that worked which is
1 tell them quietly what you need from them
2 give them a second chance and repeat quietly what you need from them
3 remove all chargers, not the phones or devices, just the chargers
ok so my birthday has come and gone, got a card off hubby and kids got me some nice cards and pressies and some lillys and a card from the dog, spent all day in pain and most of it crying but i did feel loved, its not all bad i dont cook hubby has always done that and ive always done pretty much else, its the fact that he is having to do most of everything these days which is causing the tension, i know he loves me im probably more tearful because i have a lumber puncture booked at a hospital on the 17th which is a 2 hour commute on public transport and no one to go with me as they are either working or at uni and cant get time off, my nuero rehab physio came to see me yesterday and i off loaded all my tears on her, which i think surprised her cause im usually so strong and she is gonna bring a prescription for amitriptalyne which she thinks will ease the nerve pains im getting, i appreciated all your comments its nice to have somewhere to offload dont wanna be seen as the ill person who constantly moans on so i try to keep things hidden.
Hi flappyfeet,
A belated Happy Birthday.
I take Amitriptyline. It deadens nerve signals so well that if I leave a tablet on my tongue for more than a coupe of seconds it completely numbs it.
You’ve brought out the Amazon contingent on this Forum. I don’t know about the males in your family, but they scare the crap out of me.
Anthony
albrecht my son and hubby and daughter are not all bad, after all everyone has their faults, they do try to help but its not to the extent that i used to do the work before i got weak, im hoping the amiltriptyline works for me also cause things seem so much better when your not in pain 24/7, its hard watching other people struggling to do your share of the housework as well as their own and whilst working full time, has been a bad few days pain wise and i feel a lot more optimistic today.
Concerned that you’re going for the lumbar puncture alone - 2 hour commute to the hospital aint going to be much fun and I don’t think it advisable that you may end up on public transport alone for 2 hours AFTER having the LP.
Could the hospital arrange transport or if no one in your family can go with you surely between them they could fund a taxi.