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what a can of worms

Sorry this is a Monday morning moan, just beed to get it out of my head, im so upset I feel like ive lost my family, well to be honest im beginning to realise i never had them. My siblings live with their families right next to my parents and Mum & Dad have helped them every day with their kids, and financiallly they are treated as a bottomless pit, I lost my temper earlier in the year and spouted a few home truths about using Mum & Dad, and have been cut off from one brother for a few months now, Ive now just found out after everything I have talked to my parents about, there is a lot of financial trouble with my brother and Mum & Dad bail him out a lot but they didnt know the extent of it, that they have bailed him out again, and im not talking a few hundred.

We dont live very far from them all but no one ever visits, I speak to my Mum most days and our conversations always follow the same pattern, I ring, she tells me how knackerd she is, how many times shes had their kids this week, how she just needs a day off, that she has a raging headache and doesnt know how she’ll have the kids tomorrow, and then she askes me how im feeling.

I always say im fine, even if Im dragging myself around and have rung to ask for help or just a coffee i just cant bring myself to say that im not well, how selfish would I be to add to her physical and emotional baggage. So I have a brother swanning around saying how awesome his business is when he owes thousands through bad desisions and buying tatt and dads just bailed him out again, which is really peeing me off. Ive told them I dont want their money all I would like is a bit of their time and energy, not to help me , just to spend some time with me and my family but all I get is, we feel so guilty, we will spend more time with you soon, its just so busy at the mo and usually ends with sorry must go got to help your brothers. Didnt sleep very well last night and so far today ive sat here trying to find the will to get up and do something, I never had them did I?. I feel very alone today.

Hello hun. I can see you are deeply hurt by all of this.

But as you always tell your mum that you are fine, maybe she takes that as you just dont need her…at least not in the way your siblings do.

Your mum and dad are drowning in the worries of your brother. He is a very selfish man and ought to be ashamed of himself…having your parents bail him out so often.

As long as he is helped like this, he will continue to be reckless in business…he doesnt have any idea what it`s like for others who struggle to make a living and go under.

I`m getting quite riled on your behalf now!

Is your dad easier to talk to? If so, could you have a private word with him and tell him how left out and sad you feel, because you dont get the time with them you crave. I dont believe this would be selfish…you are their child and need love as much as your siblings.

Sending you a warm hug hun.

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

much love, Pollyxxx

What Polly said. Be honest with your parents about your health, it may well make them realise how much of a user your brother is (sorry) xq

Thank you my lovelies, he is very selfish and when I talked to them about it theywere really angry, but as always that soon changed and (due to a suicide in our family a very long time ago) they have a complete fear of upsetting him in case he does something stupid, hes really not going to hes to aragant to even contemplate it, his wife even referse to them as ‘the bank of mum & dad’ It is going to go really bad at some point and im really worried about the financial and emotional effect it will have on them, I’ll try talking to them again but they are a little distant at the mo as I dont think they want to tell me what they have done, ive found out by other means. At the end of the day its their money and they can choose to do what they want with it, I would prefere that they saved it so that they can retire and enjoy each others company and do some nice things. thanks again xx

Me again.

Whilst your parents remain willing to help this wayward son, he will keep taking the wonga.

But it`s bound to run out at some point, then ma and pa will have to live on very little.

Good luck when you try to broach the subject with them.

luv Pollx

l agree with Poll- your brother will never learn by his mistakes when he knows his mum will pay up everytime. Sadly, she is doing it out of love - but she is not helping him in the long run. Your brother and his wife certainly need help - with financial advice - not a hand out. Any chance you could invite your parents round to you - perhaps then they can see how you are struggling. No cover up - tell it as it is.

Thats families though isn’t it.

Try not to let them get you down.

Yeh, I think Frances`s idea of asking your parents round is worth a try.

pollx

My heart goes out to you hun - you can choose your friends but not your family and every family seems to have at least one that causes friction.

Poll is right in that while you parents continue they way they are your brother will continue to take advantage and only they can stop. I know you don’t want to add to their problems but hun - you need help too and its not something you have brought on yourself. Just be aware hun that if you try to get your parents away - even for one day - it could backfire and your brother could guilt them in pandering to him even more.

But saying that I do think you need to tell them the truth about how you are feeling. They are your parents too.

I wish I had a magic wand hun but instead I will just wish you good luck

JBK xx

That’s rotten and it reminded me of a lady I used to work with, her brother lives in Australia and never writes or calls when he says he will and it means her parents don’t hear anything from their grandchildren either, as they’re quite young. My friend has had words with him a couple of times but to no effect and her Mum gets so upset and won’t hear a bad word about him. It’s such a shame as Dad gets it but Mum gets a bit depressed and ends up being pretty defensive with my friend and her Dad :frowning:

You know what they say, you can’t choose your family :wink: Don’t let him drive a wedge between you :slight_smile:

Sonia x

Barnaby, Be open, be honest to everyone, my opinion of course, but let everyone know what you think! In my family I tell something to my sister, she tells all the family, friends etc. whether I like it or not, everyone knows and it’s out in the open so everyone has to deal with it!

Chin up!

Chris.x

Your story is very similar to the relationship I have with my brother. He sponges off my dad. My brother is 41 and lives at home, does not pay board, electric, gas, water he pays NOTHING. My dad has now retired, he had a heart attack about three weeks ago. My father and I was talking about money, working out what he needed to pay, and my brother, even on hearing that my dad would have £24 per week in his pocket to do as he pleases, never battered an eye lid. My brother does not even pay his own council tax. My brother works full time as a HGV driver!! But this relationship goes back years and whilst my dad knows its no good and he can’t continue to support my brother, it does continue. My brother puts his money in the slot machines!!! There is emotional blackmail simmering under all this as well with a threat of ending it all. It’s shocking! I think acceptance is the only way to deal with this. Or you could end up wearing yourself out. Your mm and dad have not only got to realise what is happening, but strong enough to say no. Easy for us to say it would be an easy decision but with the underlying worry about suicide, not such an easy decision to make. Let them know your are here to share time with. But I think it is a strength of you that they feel that they don’t need to support you as much as you brother and the rest of the family. Yvette x

Thank you all, such supportive replies. Yvette, im so sorry there is another person in the same boat as me, the next time they ring to moan about him im gonig to ask them not to as I need my energy to look after my own family and run my own business not have it eaten up by worrying about their situation and ill say that I dont want help but that it would be nice to spend some more time with them and enjoy their company. our relationship has become very stagnent because of all the rubbish going on and I dont want to look back and think that i didnt do everything to change that. I made a big list of all the things I love about my life and it made me feel very thankful, even down to being able to pay the bills each month and hearig about the kids days when they get home. thanks every ome again, youve helped me start to get my head in order. have a great day xxx

Hiya

I really feel for you. You sound really fed up.

I agree with all that has been said above.

If I were you I would Invite your mum and dad round and have a nice chat over a cuppa about how you feel. Always best to get things out in the open I reckon. Let your mum and dad know how upset you feel and how it worsens your MS symptoms.

Take care sweets

((((hugs))))

Shazzie x