Today the thick black fog (depression) lifted…ever so slightly but just enough for me to remember who i am and why I have to be happy and keep going…don’t get me wrong I never give up I keep playing the “Glad game” (Pollyanna) but today as went out again to Chester with Frazer and Ben I actually felt happy, its funny because it was pooring down an poor Frazer he hates the rain and hates smelling of wet dog but he was actually happy to walk beside my chair its funny, for a dog he gives of so many signals you’d almost think he was human…I think he’s so tuned into me that he knows when his Mum is feeling blue. I can’t say why iv’e felt this way whether the fact that I feel I should be happy now i’m almost a Grandma, or even that I should be happy that its a beautiful day…perhaps that added pressure makes me feel guilty, but today the black fog has lifted and even coming back on the train I got chatting to another wheelchair user…a lovely lady she’d been in an accident 7 years ago and had a spinal injury, but she was so positive and full of all the adventurous spirit that I aspire to… it actually felt as if everyone else on the train had the disability an we were the “normals”
So glad the fog has lifted a bit. I always find that when I actually admit to myself that I’m depressed it’s the beginning of feeling better. Even if you can’t say it to someone else… but of course you can always say it to Frazer.
Lovely that you met another Wheelchair Warrior on the train! They turn up just when you need them!
Thats good Michelle,its so good when we feel a bit brighter,ive been feeling really down too as you know,but still waiting for my fog to lif a little, but im sure it will do soon,we had my little grandaughter today for tea,and she was so good,i feel exhausted now but a happy exhausted i am sure you know what i mean.Bet you cant wait for your twins,such exciting times for you all,being a grandmas the best thing ever.
So glad that you are feeling better Michelle. It is very hard when the black fog falls. I have just emerged myself. Feeling better and brighter makes such a diference to everything doesn’t it?
Lovely post. Its the good days that makes everything worthwhile. It doesn’t take much. My grandson took a few wee tottering steps yesterday and it made me happy all day.
I hate feeling sad, it completely flattens me but your right in fact i remember at cbt Emma counsellor saying sometimes the best thing is to accept it and allow ourselves to have a sad day its part of grieving for what we’ve lost…problem is i feel so guilty too like i have to constantly prove to myself that I can rise above it all.