aw anon,
you are really not alone in this. other people look to be coping better but they have just got used to it.
that feeling of wanting to end it all has probably hit most of us at some time.
but believe me, when you get past it there’s a whole new world waiting for you.
let me tell you my story:
left schol at 16 and went into a low paid job. my life centred around going out at the weekends (teeny drinker). my summer holidays were at glastonbury festival and i loved the people i met there. i was at my most confident at festivals.
at 26 i realised how boring my job was and gave in my notice. i applied to sit 2 A-levels in 12 months and had 4 part time jobs. (I was a barmaid, a driver for a catering company, worked on a fruit stall etc. i was happy with all this and was looking forward to doing a degree if my results were good enough. on final exam day i went to the doctors first thing and found out that i was pregnant. totally unplanned but i was delighted. my results were good.
my first baby was adorable and i was besotted with him. i got pregnant again when he was 5 months old (again unplanned). when my 2nd child was born i knew that if i wanted them to have anything like a decent start i needed to have a decent wage. i applied to do teacher training and became a primary school teacher.
now my sons are aged 23 and 24. i got diagnosed with ms 4 years ago just as my career was at its highest. my life changed so much i couldnt recognise myself and although i had a lot of love coming my way i had begun stashing away money for dignitas. i couldnt enjoy holidays because i was always falling and embarassing my husband, i hated the heat in mediterranean countries.
but i hung on and without realising it i built a new life. i had to give up working but i started painting and i love it. i can now stare for ages at the changing skies (amazing how many colours are in the sky).
i have had to give up on a lot of my social life and some people were too stressful for me to be around - another aspect of my shrinking life. however i have retained 4 amazing friends who knew me before ms. its important to have people who dont see you as this disabled shrunken person.
i buy tickets to concerts and love to ask around to see who would like to come with me. i bought a ticket to festival no 6 at portmeirion and got a free ticket for a carer to come with me. unfortunately my close friends all had other commitments so i went on my own. the camping spot that i had booked online was up a mega steep hill and when the downpour started it became a mud slide. i took a hiking pole and would never have managed without it. there were so many lovely people there who noticed that i was having problems and helped where they could (one lovely guy pushed me gently up the hill!)
i had the most wonderful time and will never forget the people i met. i also talked a LOT to strangers and got loads of hugs before i came home. the best thing of all is that i felt ALIVE! i recognised this chatty, friendly person as myself.
so please dont think any further about ending it all. if i had gone to dignitas i would have missed out on one of the best weekends of my life.
please sweetheart you are so young (and i’m pretty old) babies will arrive in their own sweet time. for now look at what you HAVE got. your husband loves you and there will be friends who stick by you.
as others have said, take up the offers of help at work. dont feel like a failure because learning how to live with ms is not something that a failure would be able to do. plan treats for yourself - whatever floats your boat. after awhile you’ll be able to push at your boundaries. i feel proud of myself for managing to have such a good time on my own.
look at the different treatments available for ms. find out as much as you can because knowledge is power.
you need to start treating your symptoms so that you will be physically able to move on.
i hope that you will soon manage to pull yourself out of this pit of depression. please see your doctor, you can confide in him or her and it is all confidential.
you have made careful plans for your life and now you can make plans to live your life.
carole xxxxxxx