Ready to call it quits

I really hope you are feeling a bit better…

Am just wondering, you mention you have experienced depression before and mention the things that didn’t help - so did anything help you overcome that feeling before? Also I just want to point out that there are many different kinds of depression that can be experienced… one of them is situational depression (this may include coping with the diagnosis and acceptance of a chronic illness) - & just because you felt the therapies failed you before doesn’t mean they won’t help you now…

I would like to share that I was admitted to a psychiatric hosp shortly after IV steroids, & they were put to blame, this was at the same time as my dx… I was advised not to try steroids at that doseage again.

Don’t know if that’s any help, but I hope it gives you a pause for thought…

Take care,

Tayx

Well said Tay, I can only have IV steroids as the oral ones weirdly make me hallucinate.

Anon needs to have time to recover from the relapses and the roids…

anu xxx

When I posted earlier I referred to feelings of being overwhelming in my earlier life. It was during this time that i also did daft things such as self harming among other things.I would hit a wall repeatedly until my hand would be swollen and black and blue. I would do this because I felt a lack of self worth and guilt that i was made to feel and i sense similar feelings in your post. As a previous sufferer of depression I know it can take many forms. It can be caused by apparently nothing or could be triggered by major events in our life, such as diagnosis of something like MS. Believing that others are far worse than yourself, and therefore your problems are not as important, is probably one of my biggest failings. I try to joke my way through life and have become quite good at hiding my true feelings. Finding someone to share those feelings with, however, is the first step to moving forward. You know husbands can be quite good at hiding feelings to but they invariably have an underlying worry that something is not right. Therefore if this is the case he will already be secretly worrying about you. I know you say you can’t talk to him about ‘emotional’ things but he probably already knows. My husband is a terror at keeping things to himself so we make a right pair, him secretly knowing and me secretly not telling him. After twenty years together we have got a lot better at sharing and now realise how important it is. After all partners means a partnership after all. I hope things work out for the best with starting a family. I know my friend who had many problems got very low. It took many months but she now has a beautiful baby boy but her body just wasn’t ready all the while she worried about it. Please don’t pin your hopes on next month, nature has a funny way of working sometimes. Hugs Mish x

Nikki, just wanted to say DITTO

I am in awe…

B xx

aw anon,

you are really not alone in this. other people look to be coping better but they have just got used to it.

that feeling of wanting to end it all has probably hit most of us at some time.

but believe me, when you get past it there’s a whole new world waiting for you.

let me tell you my story:

left schol at 16 and went into a low paid job. my life centred around going out at the weekends (teeny drinker). my summer holidays were at glastonbury festival and i loved the people i met there. i was at my most confident at festivals.

at 26 i realised how boring my job was and gave in my notice. i applied to sit 2 A-levels in 12 months and had 4 part time jobs. (I was a barmaid, a driver for a catering company, worked on a fruit stall etc. i was happy with all this and was looking forward to doing a degree if my results were good enough. on final exam day i went to the doctors first thing and found out that i was pregnant. totally unplanned but i was delighted. my results were good.

my first baby was adorable and i was besotted with him. i got pregnant again when he was 5 months old (again unplanned). when my 2nd child was born i knew that if i wanted them to have anything like a decent start i needed to have a decent wage. i applied to do teacher training and became a primary school teacher.

now my sons are aged 23 and 24. i got diagnosed with ms 4 years ago just as my career was at its highest. my life changed so much i couldnt recognise myself and although i had a lot of love coming my way i had begun stashing away money for dignitas. i couldnt enjoy holidays because i was always falling and embarassing my husband, i hated the heat in mediterranean countries.

but i hung on and without realising it i built a new life. i had to give up working but i started painting and i love it. i can now stare for ages at the changing skies (amazing how many colours are in the sky).

i have had to give up on a lot of my social life and some people were too stressful for me to be around - another aspect of my shrinking life. however i have retained 4 amazing friends who knew me before ms. its important to have people who dont see you as this disabled shrunken person.

i buy tickets to concerts and love to ask around to see who would like to come with me. i bought a ticket to festival no 6 at portmeirion and got a free ticket for a carer to come with me. unfortunately my close friends all had other commitments so i went on my own. the camping spot that i had booked online was up a mega steep hill and when the downpour started it became a mud slide. i took a hiking pole and would never have managed without it. there were so many lovely people there who noticed that i was having problems and helped where they could (one lovely guy pushed me gently up the hill!)

i had the most wonderful time and will never forget the people i met. i also talked a LOT to strangers and got loads of hugs before i came home. the best thing of all is that i felt ALIVE! i recognised this chatty, friendly person as myself.

so please dont think any further about ending it all. if i had gone to dignitas i would have missed out on one of the best weekends of my life.

please sweetheart you are so young (and i’m pretty old) babies will arrive in their own sweet time. for now look at what you HAVE got. your husband loves you and there will be friends who stick by you.

as others have said, take up the offers of help at work. dont feel like a failure because learning how to live with ms is not something that a failure would be able to do. plan treats for yourself - whatever floats your boat. after awhile you’ll be able to push at your boundaries. i feel proud of myself for managing to have such a good time on my own.

look at the different treatments available for ms. find out as much as you can because knowledge is power.

you need to start treating your symptoms so that you will be physically able to move on.

i hope that you will soon manage to pull yourself out of this pit of depression. please see your doctor, you can confide in him or her and it is all confidential.

you have made careful plans for your life and now you can make plans to live your life.

carole xxxxxxx

hi anon

please dont think that everyone else is coping and finding it easy. ms is a tough thing to live with but please dont consider ending it all.

4 years ago i started putting aside money for dignitas but if you see my post “i feel alive” you can see that i’m so glad that i didnt go through with it.

for all the things that you lose you will find that there is space in your life for new things.

at its worse it feels like you are shrinking, social life shrinking, work life shrinking, hopes and dreams shrinking BUT once you stop feeling so down you will be able to see what you need. then you can start growing.

honey you are so young, babies come in their own sweet time and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having them in your thirties. in fact its probably better for you to get used to the changes that ms has brought before you go through the changes that a baby will bring. and man they bring a lot of changes!

you have planned your life so carefully. maybe its time for being spontaneous.

my physio gave me some good advice, learn how to use your new body. it takes a lot of learning but you sound as though learning is a big part of your life.

see your doctor and confide in him/her knowing that its confidential.

let us know how you get on because we all care for you

carole xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

i thought my first reply had got lost so thats why i did a 2nd one

Hi Anon, I was a primary school teacher for 15 years and have given up now, partly because of ms but mostly because I wasn’t enjoying the endless hours I had to put in at home. I’d get tired and have o energy for my 2 beautiful kids. I know that seems selfish of me to say, but it is because of your situation that I am writing this anon. We tried and tried for our first child. We ended up seeing a fertility specialist who told us I had bad ovaries and my husband a low sperm count. We were devastated and chose to follow up with the first thing offered to us a tiny little tablet called chlomid. I was very depressed at the time and held out no hope. Because I didn’t have regular periods anyway and was always tired I was 5 months along before I knew I was pregnant! Three months after number 1 was born, I discovered I was pregnant again, we were just checking everything was in working order!! Anyway, I’m telling you this because I agree you are in a bad place right now. Take the time off, rest and if you feel it will help speak to your gp. Good luck and remember that people care and will want to help you Xx

Hi again Anon,

Hoping this link will work but I’m not sure…

But it seemed applicable to everyone faced with a tough situation in life and if MS isn’t tough I don’t know what it is…

I hope you choose the last one

Cheers,

Belinda xx

Hi all,

Thanks again for the supportive comments :slight_smile: they are helping me to keep going.

I only got one hour sleep last night and had a full teaching day today plus a meeting after school. I dont know how I got through.

I am sleeping so terribly at the moment that I cant think straight. I dont fear anything, I just lack any care about what happens to me. I know this isnt right but I cant think properlly. I cant concentrate on things and think Im either gonna have a breakdown or end up doing something stupid and out of character.

sorry i prob shouldnt be posting this on here cos its helping noone xx

Dear Anon I am sorry you are in such distress. I know that the idea of admitting to weakness (as you see it) by telling the people around you how much you are struggling is insupportably painful to you. You have mentioned a couple of the alternatives, and maybe you see their attractions - maybe you are telling yourself that, at least, things would taken out of your control by circumstances, and maybe you see that as marginally more palatable than sharing your feelings. Maybe you think having a breakdown would get you off the hook? Anon, please dismiss from your mind any such thoughts. They are wrong, wrong, wrong. Can you begin to imagine how a person like you would deal with having lost it completely - become completely unstrung? Please, please do not flirt with this. Please dare to let your guard down and seek help.

Alison

x

Even if you are determined not to talk to anyone about how you are feeling Anon, surely you can go to the GP and get something to help you sleep. Last year when my MS symptoms made me unable to sleep night after night, I had sleeping tablets short term. I didn’t want them as I was worried about addiction but they got me out of a very bad patch. Your lack of sleep will be exacerbating all your other problems and worries. You will feel so much more able to tackle other things. If you do nothing else, see your GP about this and get help for it, please. Teresa xx

Wow, I’ve just read your posts anon and I swear every single word is exactly the same position that I’m in at the moment. Feels like we’re leading the same life in separate worlds. I was diagnosed in 2009 with MS and then last February my periods stopped. I’m 28 years old now and at the time my periods stopped I’d just made the decision to have a baby. They haven’t started again. I’m now going through treatment for fertility and have been for 9months without success. They say that there’s no reason for my periods to have stopped- they can’t explain it. So I’m now going through two major health problems and neither of them can be explained. I also have no social life and now barely any friends. I’m terrified I won’t ever be able to have a baby and understand completely when you say it would give you purpose, that’s exactly how I see it. I’m ready to be a mum and believe this could be one thing that I’m actually good at. I want to give my partner a family. I’m in a professional job where im terrified that they’ll reduce my hours or that I won’t be able to fulfil the role. Im too young to stop or reduce work. Scared to take time off, although I’ve had to concede today. Know that there’s one other person at least that feels the same way. I’ve felt that I would rather not be alive and I still do, though I’d never do anything. We both need to hope and believe that something good will happen. It’s the law of averages isn’t it…

Hi, just reading through all the responses to your message. I would like you to know you’re not alone in the way you’re feeling.

I started with rrms 16 years ago, at first you think perhaps this is as bad as it’s going to get, but now, having progressed to spms it seems to control my life, and I can relate to the feeling of being disappointed to wake-up in the morning. I’m frightened to go out in case I mess myself. I do take anti-depressants but they do not seem to make me feel any better.

I understand people saying, ‘just get on with life’, but it’s when that nagging feeling feeling of ‘this is never going to get better!’, just don’t know what to do!

Let’s hope for a miracle, where they can make MS no more bothersome than hayfever, and give you your lost years back!

Sorry for posting anon, but feel so pathetic, everyone you read seems to handle the whole situation so much better. x