I am new to the forum and looking for emotional support.
I was diagnosed with MS on 17/12/14 after suffering a severe brain stem relapse that left me wheel chair bound for a year. I was training to be a teacher at the time and had to give up my studies and what felt like my life at the time. I was 24 when all this happened. I was devastated. I was told that if I ever had another relapse it would mean I would be in a wheelchair for life. I tried to kill myself a couple of times. I was referred to Dr Silber at Kings in London and had Lemtrada.
I started to get better, and despite fatigue that leaves me unable to move my legs at times, I have felt relatively ‘normal’. I still do not work, however I am/was working on changing this. The relapse left me with no confidence and a fear of not being able to manage work because of the severe fatigue I mentioned above.
Moving forward my life has been much better, I had a son in September 2018, got married and now have my first house. This year I have been able to run 10K and cycle 23K. I was loosing weight (another one of my goals) and have signed up with a teaching agency to build my confidence and experience. I could almost forget I actually had this awful disease.
Then, I noticed I had a numb leg a couple of weeks ago. I got an emergency MRI that shows changes (I am still waiting for full details from my neurologist) and since the weekend I have been exhausted all the time, dragging my legs (they feel like I am wading through water) and I am using my crutch again.
I feel so angry. That the MS is stopping me from finally moving forward again with my life. Before this happened, I felt like I was finally living again. I now feel like have been thrown backwards. That all this progress has gone down the drain. I am depressed (I am on antidepressants and have had CBT about 4 times since 2014). I am comfort eating and drinking as a coping mechanism (right now it feels like the only thing I am actually able to do that gives me reprieve from the way I feel). I am also scared.
I was with my 21 month old son on Sunday whilst my husband was at work, I was on the bed unable to move and in tears. I felt that I was a failure as a mother, because I couldn’t care for him properly. What if he fell? Needed his nappy changed? Wanted food? How could I meet these needs if I couldn’t move?! I dragged myself along the floor and did what I could until my parents let themselves in and came to our aid.
I am really struggling emotionally right now and the only thing that stops me from trying to end my life again is my husband and my little boy. I need help fast and I need to talk to others with MS that actually know how this feels. Please can you help?
Apologies for the essay and my life story.