Forum

Ready to call it quits

I cant face not being at work. i was medically suspended for 2 weeks at the end of june as I fell at work twice in a week. It was horrendous, it started all this low feeling too as I had too much time on my hands to dwell on things. I dont know if it will help Nikki by having a baby. My consultant recommended me starting DMD’s now because of the high relapse rate ive had. But the thought of waiting a few years make me feel like giving up everything now. If I can’t have children now then I honestly will give up. And if I do have a child soon, it may not get me out of the black hole i’m in. If it doesn’t, nothing will and I may as well start writing my will now :frowning: xx

Anon I know what you mean about asking for help, I’m so bad at it. I have epilepsy as well so have no driving licence but try not to ask anyone for anything. I’m going to a funeral 20 miles away next week but will get the bus even though the rest of the street are going.

I may regret posting this but you sound so low I want to help. Something horrendous happened to me a couple of years ago and I wouldn’t talk to my husband or GP about how low I was feeling I just thought I could deal with things alone. It took a suicide attempt to realise I needed them. I’m slowly getting through things but its been hard.

Thats the first time I’ve “talked” about it all. Sorry if I offended anyone.

You’ve not offended anyone Nikki, you’re just sharing your experiences and it is appreciated how honest you’ve been.

To be honest, I have thought about doing something. I’ve got 2 drawers full of various medications and I know that if I took enough I could take my life. I often reassure myself that if I get to breaking point, I can always go to those drawers. It’s like my safety net. I just hope I don’t end up going there.

I hate feeling so miserable and negative.

Sorry everyone, I wish I could be more positive and upbeat. x

[quote=“nikkinakkinoo”]

Anon I know what you mean about asking for help, I’m so bad at it. I have epilepsy as well so have no driving licence but try not to ask anyone for anything. I’m going to a funeral 20 miles away next week but will get the bus even though the rest of the street are going.

I may regret posting this but you sound so low I want to help. Something horrendous happened to me a couple of years ago and I wouldn’t talk to my husband or GP about how low I was feeling I just thought I could deal with things alone. It took a suicide attempt to realise I needed them. I’m slowly getting through things but its been hard.

Thats the first time I’ve “talked” about it all. Sorry if I offended anyone. ![letdown|35x35](http://www.mssociety.org.uk/sites/all/libraries/ckeditor/plugins/smiley/im

ages/LetDown.png)

[/quote] Of course you haven’t offended anyone Nikki. It’s just good that you feel able to talk about it and that you say you are finally getting through it. People need to talk to each other when they need help. No one is a mind reader. We can all hide our feelings if we want to. We all need to keep communicating - no one minds we want to help our loved ones and friends. Teresa xx

Even Richard Branson could get DLA if he was disabled.

12 things that don’t affect your right to claim Disability Living Allowance.

  1. You’re getting any other benefits - Disability Living Allowance will be paid on top.
  2. You’re working.
  3. Your partner works.
  4. You have savings.
  5. You have not paid any national insurance contributions.
  6. You don’t consider yourself to be disabled - Disability Living Allowance is for people with long term health problems which affect their everyday activities.
  7. You’ve been told by a doctor, nurse, care worker - or anyone other than a welfare rights worker - that you won’t get Disability Living Allowance. Eligibility for Disability Living Allowance is a legal question, not a matter of medical - or any other - opinion.
  8. You live alone and no-one is providing care for you.
  9. You already have someone, a partner for example, providing care for you.
  10. You don’t want anyone to provide care for you.
  11. You’ve been turned down before.
  12. You do not want to spend money on personal care: you can spend Disability Living Allowance on anything you wish.

Ring BEL on 0800 882200 for the forms.

I took this snippet from the 2009 ldn conference and thought it might be worth checking out with your medical team.

Dr Phil Boyle from the Galway Fertility Centre, described the incredible fertility work that is carried out at this centre which included LDN in many cases. Although predominately a fertility clinic, Phil has had requests for LDN from many patients with MS and other autoimmune conditions. He reassured the audience that LDN is safe in pregnancy, having had fifty healthy babies born to mothers who took LDN throughout the pregnancy. Not only that but he feels LDN greatly improves pregnancy outcomes and reduces risk of prematurity. LDN is also useful in treating endometriosis and polycystic ovarian disease. Dr Boyle made the point that LDN works best when given alongside appropriate nutritional support including vitamin D and omega 3.

http://forum.ldnresearchtrust.org/index.php?/topic/1185-first-european-ldn-conference-report

Hi Anon So sorry everything seems so overwhelming at the moment. I know that feeling well, not due to ms but things that happened in my younger years. It has helped me to realise how important it is to talk to others because everyone’s experiences and responses to events in their lives are different and everybody’s feelings are important if they upset in any way. As I tell my year twos in my SEAL lessons we are all unique and all important, that includes us adults. Please talk to someone who cares about you to share your feelings or if you really feel you can’t do that talk to your gp. With being told you have ms at such a young age must be a huge thing to come to terms with and having a baby seems to have become your main focus. A dear friend of mine took many month to become pregnant following a loss and it wasn’t until she was able to take the pressure off herself for it to happen, that it happened. I remember trying for my two boys, who are now taller than me, and how time seems to go in slow motion while you are trying. I have always thought that asking for help is a sign of strength as it takes great courage to do that when you are so low. So maybe use some of your stubborness to help. Sending hugs as I know they are always good at times like these. X

Oops sorry think I might have pressed anon button.

You are in a seriously deep hole of depression right now. I have been there many years ago and I know how ghastly that feeling of overwhelming blackness can be. I can only stress yet again how very urgently you do need to see your GP and get the depression under control. Until the depression is sorted everything is going to be soooo much harder.

The really terrifying thing about serious depression is that the chemical changes that take place in the brain during the illness alter our thinking so completely that the depressed thoughts seem completely logical and reasonable.

I too have stored up medications and indeed I have overdosed on them and I also cut my wrists very seriously. (This episode had nothing to do with MS and preceded it by many years though) I ended up in ICU with my life in the balance and was then transferred to a psych unit. I remember how very deeply and truly I wanted to die and how incredibly angry I was that everybody else seemed so determined to keep me alive and to force me to live through this pointless Hell.

Once I had recovered I could not understand how I could have thought like that. I look back on it and it scares me how warped my thinking had become due to depression. Depression is a seriously insidious and nasty disease and in many ways far more debilitating and dangerous than MS.

I cannot stress enough how very important it is for you to get EMERGENCY help with the depression. It is not a sign of weakness. No one would see you as weak if you had an asthma attack…. Depression is as real an illness as that. It is a chemical change taking place in your brain and needs medication to put the chemical balance back. And then some really good counselling to help you understand the stressors that come with MS territory and to learn to live with them.

It is interesting that you say you need to have a baby now or you won’t be able to cope. I’ll be blunt here. Having a baby because you are depressed and hoping the baby will fix the depression is a recipe for disaster. All that will happen is that you will be depressed with a new baby, exhausted with all the new mother sleepless nights etc and still dealing with all the unresolved issues of the having MS. Having a child has never fixed anyone’s unresolved problems, only compounded them. For the sake of the baby you want to have as well as for yourself, please, please seek some help.

And like you, I am very independent and hate asking for help. Some would say I am stubborn to a fault in this regard. It has been one of the hardest things I have had to learn with having MS. Asking for help has been forced on me as the years have gone by and now I really don’t mind. One of the things I have discovered is how much my family and friends appreciate it when I do ask for help and how much they HATE it when they see me struggling and won’t let them help. This makes them feel excluded and in a weird way it makes them feel unloved. People who care for you WANT to help you. It is a way they can show how much they care and the less you let them help, the more you reject their offers of help and cling to your determination of “I can do it myself” the more rejected they end up feeling. Helping others is a natural human response so sometimes graciously asking for help is a way WE can show people that we see how much they love us.

Sometimes the hardest part with depression is taking the first step. Can you make it an absolute priority on Monday first thing in the morning to make an appointment with your GP? And then hop back on here and let us know you have made the appointment? One task…… that is all. Can you do that for the baby you want to have and your husband but mainly for you?

Hugs,

Belinda xx

Please listen to Belinda’s advice Anon. It is imperative that you get this much needed help. Teresa xx

What a wonderful reply from Belinda. I really hope you will listen and act on her advice.

There is a considerable amount of depression in my family so I know that, untreated, it is horribly destructive, malicious and painful - for the person who has it and for those who love them.

There is only one way to beat it. With help.

It is not weak to tell someone. It will be one of the hardest things you have ever had to do. And that takes incredible strength.

One more thing that I think you will not want to hear, but that I hope will help in the longer-term. You said, “And if I do have a child soon, it may not get me out of the black hole i’m in. If it doesn’t, nothing will and I may as well start writing my will now :-(” This is as good an example of how depression affects someone’s thinking as I think is possible. Because what you are saying is that if you bring a baby into the world and it doesn’t make you feel better, you will kill that baby’s mother. There is no circumstance where this is for the best. Ever. There is every chance that you will be a wonderful mother in the future, but a baby should be brought into the world for the right reasons and certainly not as some desperate, and almost certainly failed, attempt to change your depression. And then to be abandoned because of suicide? OMG.

This is so far from logical that surely it must break through and show you that you need help to stop this thing from eating up who you really are?

Please see your GP. Not just for you, but for everyone who loves you, including the children who are no doubt somewhere in your future.

Karen x

Eee, what a lot of very caring, supportive replies you`ve had.

This thread has brought so many out, to talk about their deepest fears and feelings.

But you must see that you are not alone in these kind of thoughts. All of us have faced the shock of having our lives turned upside down and inside out. Somehow many of us have got through to the other side of diagnosis. and found a way to cope…some days are hell, others may not be so bad. Then there are those of us who are in limboland (that includes me), trying to get through each day and night, wondering if anyone believes we are really ill, and just what the heck is wrong with us.

As a few have said, perhaps now isn`t quite the right time for you to become pregnant. Having a new baby takes enormous amounts of strength…24/7! As you are all over the place, would it not be a better idea, to put the baaby plans on hold for a while?

You are still a long way from having the body clock ticking thing, eh? Motherhood can afford to wait awhile yet.

You HAVE to tell your husband just how bad you really are feeling. He is obviously unaware of your thoughts of whats the point?`.

I hope you do get to see your GP really soon. Be open and clear about your feelings…otherwise you won`t get the right kind of help you desperately need.

We`re all here for you, you know.

much love, Pollyxxx

Sorry, it’s me again and I’ve just read the ‘message’ talking about your ‘BODY CLOCK’. It was ‘my understanding’ (rightly or wrongly) that ‘having a baby’ could in fact - IMPROVE YOUR MS (temporarily)

Marcus,

Thank you all again for your comments. They really are appreciated.

Karen, where you said:

“There is every chance that you will be a wonderful mother in the future, but a baby should be brought into the world for the right reasons and certainly not as some desperate, and almost certainly failed, attempt to change your depression.”

and Belinda, where you said :

“Having a baby because you are depressed and hoping the baby will fix the depression is a recipe for disaster.”

please don’t think that the reason I am trying for a baby is to help me to feel better about my life. Myself and my husband have thought about starting a family for a good while now and the main reason we decided to take the plunge now was because of the DMD’s- so that I can get started on them sooner- after we have had a child. Rather than start DMD’s then stop for a child then restart again.

Marcus- thank you for giving me your phone number. I appreciate your openness. I don’t think I feel ready at the moment to speak to any directly about how I feel. It took me a while to pluck up the courage to post anonomously on here. And this is a lot easier than talking on the phone to someone.

Belinda- i’m sorry- I can’t bring myself to make a doctor’s app to talk about ‘how i feel’. I hate speaking about things like that to anyone. I understand what you are all saying about being open with people and talking about things isn’t a weakness. But to me, it is. I have to cope with this myself, not burden others. That may be the wrong way to think but I can’t help it.

I don’t see myself being depressed. i have been depressed before, years ago. I took antidepressants and they didnt help. I had cognitive behaviour therapy and it didnt help. i saw a psychiatrist and it didnt help. I have self harmed in the past (well before the MS) and I have overdosed and ended up in hospital for 3 days.

But this is different. I had no reason then to be down, I do now. I have been diagnosed with something life changing that I can’t stop. So this isn’t depression to me. It’s just me not coping well with the diagnosis. Cos I’m so full of self-pity and lack any strength. i see myself as a failure. I don’t think that will change.

xx

Hello again. Well I dont think anyone can say anything else to help you. You dont want to see your GP about the problem. Hopefully you will work it out in your own mind. i do hope that when you do become pregnant and then a mother, that your life becomes fullfilled.

Good luck for the future.

luv Pollx

I am glad you came back to keep talking to us Anon. I appreciate how scary this is for you and admire your courage in talking so honestly to us about how you feel. If you can’t talk to your GP how would talking to the MS helpline be? At least there you can still be anonymous. But if that is also too confronting that is OK; you always have us and we will always be here.

It is still early days and much as it doesn’t seem possible at the moment I promise that you will find a way to adjust to having MS and a time will come when you will wake up and your first thought of the day won’t be, “OMG I have MS!!!” You will rebuild a life that is satisfying and even happy although I know you can’t believe that at the moment.

I have my rough times. I am going through a pretty rough time at the moment as I have been ill with pneumonia and am having troubles with my daughter but overall I enjoy my life. The MS limits what I can do quite a lot now but I am amazed at how much I have adapted to it and how much my attitudes to life have changed. I live very much in the moment now and grab every opportunity to do things and “suck the marrow out of life”. Life is there to be enjoyed and lived to the full and even in a wheelchair it is amazing how much I do. I am a single mum and I travel with my daughter, taking her skiing, snorkelling on the Great Barrier Reef, going sailing, paragliding… life can still be an adventure.

But this hasn’t happened over night. As I said earlier living with MS is an ever changing journey but really isn’t that what life is anyway?

Be patient, be kind to yourself and have realistic expectations of yourself at this early stage of coming to grips with the diagnosis and recovery from the latest relapse.

Hang in there and stay with us on the Forums,

Belinda xxx

So glad to see you Anon. As Belinda says please keep talking to us on here. If you won’t talk to anyone else - we will be happy to try to help you through this difficult time in your life. Stay with us though and keep in touch. Teresa xx

Dear Anon,

You are right. You are the teacher.

Marcus.

(((hugs))) Nikki, you are a woman of courage.

anu

Anon,

Apologies if you find my comments offensive or not what you want to hear.

From your post, it doesn’t sound as if you are ready, physically or psychologically to have a child.

Give yourself a break, you are recovering from a series of relapses, you’ve recently had IV sterioids which will mess with your mood and you’re coping with a full time demanding job.

You may think that having a child is your dearest wish, but now is not the time to have that child.

Please refocus - consider getting yourself well, give your body a few weeks / months to get rid of the steroids. Take pre conception vitamins, eat healthy food, take moderate exercise, drink lots of water etc. Get your body and mind ready for conception.

In the words of the late, great John Lennon, ‘Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans’. Cut yourself and your husband, some slack. Start to enjoy life and stop obsessing about your ‘need’ to become pregnant. Your baby will come when your mind and body are ready.

anu xxx