Apologies for posting as anon.
I have known for definite that I have MS for a few months now. At first I coped ok as I didnt really believe the diagnosis to be honest, despite lesions on MRI, positive lumbar puncture, abnormal VEP’s and a whole array of symptoms. Now though things are different. I’m not coping so well.
I have had symptoms starting from just over a year ago and have been told I’ve had 5 relapses since aug last year. Plus an episode of optic neuritis in jan 11 which I didnt think was related until doc said it prob was. So 6 episodes in a year and a half. There’s no stopping it. I’ve been trying for a baby with my husband for 4 months now and yesterday found out I wasnt pregnant this month (thanks to period starting!). Because i’m trying for a baby I have stopped all medication I was on (pregabalin, amitryptiline, amantadine). And I have turned down the offer of DMD’s too for the same reason.
I am trying to hold down a full time school teacher job and I sometimes feel like it is killing me. it’s so hard work even when I used to feel fit and healthy. But now, it’s feeling impossible. I’m tired constantly and because my sleeping has been disrupted recently (due to a course of IV steroids), I have come close to collapsing several times. Work are really supportive and have said if I need a morning off etc to rest then it’s fine. Or if I want to go part time, then they could prob accommodate it But that to me feels defeatist. If my health stops me doing my job properly then what’s the point?
If I can’t have children, which is how it feels at the moment after 4 months of failed attempts then what’s the point in anything? I feel so useless. I can’t do anything well any more. i feel so tired all the time that I don’t do anything socially anymore. Me and my husband do the food shopping on a saturday then that’s it. I sit at home and rest. Cos that’s all I feel up to doing. I have lost interest in everything so even if I feel like I have enough energy, I just can’t be bothered. Nothing seems worth it.
I don’t know if a baby would make me feel like I have a purpose in life again or not, it’s hard to say. I’m only 26 and feel like my life is over. I wake up every morning and sigh. If I didn’t wake up then I wouldn’t have to battle with life anymore.
I want to go to sleep and not wake up.