RANT: where has good manners gone?

My husband and I have been invited to a wedding, now within the envelope are three pieces of paper, the first the invitation, second a list of hotels near the hotel reception and third a brochure detailing ‘trips of a lifetime’, when reading this it says it is a wedding list and you have just to log on and put your donation but nothing under £10 no mention of it you would like to donate a money gift as a wedding gift. I feel like going onto the webside and placing a £10 and letting them know that the rest is going to a good cause i.e.MS society, what happened to polite ‘if you would like to buy us a gift’, sorry rant over.

Welll, at least you won’t be wondering whether you have given them their 5th slow-cooker!

I do rather like the idea of inviting charitable donations as wedding gifts, and know one idealistic young couple who did just that, and it is certainly a very seemly arrangement for a couple who are a bit older and/or second time around and who have plenty already. Otherwise, I am very happy with wedding lists consisting of household items to help set up home, because that’s what it’s all about - when I get the best china out (not often, because it doesn’t like the dishwasher) I remember to this day who gave us what and that is a lot of years ago, and that is a nice tradition to keep going, I always think. Like you, I do not much like the ‘buy our fancy holiday for us’ approach, particularly when it is more of an instruction than a request and they seem to have forgotten the ‘p’ word!

You could always buy them a slow-cooker anyway, just for badness…

Alison

I agree! I hate being dictated to about what gift to buy or donating cash so someone can buy a luxury. A friend is saving up to buy a specific breed of puppy (her choice but I don’t see what is wrong with rescuing a pet from the many shelters). For her 50th birthday she asked for donations towards it. She lucked out with me as I had bought her present months ahead as I’m on a limited budget so have to buy ahead in the sales and had been really pleased with my gift for her which was chosen with her likes and hobbies in mind. So she still got that as the money was already spent!! As it turns out she was delighted with it.

Tracey xx

We booked our honeymoon at Debenhams and part of booking was that they set up a special account where people could contribute to our honeymoon through Debenhams. We had been living together for 7 years so we had everything in the house that we needed really. It seemed wasteful to ask for things for the house that we didn’t need, just for the sake of it. We made it very clear that we did NOT expect anyone to give us anything at all and that having our friends and family there was what was important.

As it turned out, some people very kindly put some towards our honeymoon, and some people chose to buy us a gift of their own choosing (in truth, these were my favourites anyway).

I agree, no one should ask for anything and just expect people to give it. Nor should there be a ‘minimum’ gift. I never expected anything from anyone really, so every gift we received was wonderful.

PG xx

thanks for the replies , if there had been a ‘please’ in it would not have thought too much about it and like you PG I have to watch pennies as i dont work anymore, said to my friends this morning and they were shocked. Ironicallly it is my husband’s best friend’s son who is getting married and two years back gave a donation to his last exhibition as it was part of his UNiversity study, but in saying that also at a function a number of years back 25th wedding anniversary of hubbys friend , my husband bought a round of drinks(tradition in scotland) the son said to his father that hubby had bought him a drink his father replied oh he has lots of money, well that was in the days when we both worked, as Tracey says i hate being dictated too, and i think it is the height of bad manners, oh rant again

Doesn’t sound like they are being very gracious about it!!

One of the best gifts we received was a personalised calendar that had Mr and Mrs XXX on it for every month superimposed in different pictures. It ran for 12 months from the month we got married.

It was lovely and personal and unique, and probably not too expensive. I loved it as we weren’t expecting it and it was so thoughtful. Might be an idea if you don’t like the honeymoon fund idea (and I completely understand if you do feel that way).

PG xx

Friends daughter geting married this autumn. Not invited to the Church ceremony (guess they couldn’t stop us if we turned up!)

Invited to the evening ‘do’ in a smart hotel - problem is this hotel is 120 miles away from the Church and from where we live. So we are facing having to pay for an overnight hotel room. I think they’re expecting all their friends and relatives to mak the long journey and py for the overnight stay. Tad unreasonable I think.

Yeah there no excusing bad manners. We did have a wedding list but said not to feel you’d to buy a gift presence sharing our special day was enough. We were lucky and got a lot of things on our list. But we made sure there was gifts that everyone could afford and also up here a lot of people give gifts even if they are not invited to the wedding. This may seem ungrateful but I was truly grateful to peoples kind gifts and words but the ex other halfs side of the ex family and friends are millionaires , drive about in the very expensive cars yet their presents were the ones that I can’t even recall as there was no meaning , etc and they were at all the whole wedding. Must be how their millionaires and the gifts from people that were just a token with well meaning words were worth so much more. I’m not sure this has come across well. I totally agree with the manners things There was lots of places id have loved to get married but I didn’t think it was fair to ask guests to have to have to pay a fortune to travel to a location, pay a hotel, etc. My friend just got married her partner was from England so they went away to the st Lucia with just her parents and brother and had a party here when she came home x

The last wedding I went to was for a good friend of mine and they didn’t have a wedding list, the invite said that if people wanted to get something they could donate to a charity. I can’t remember which charity it was but I do think it was an MS one (this was before I knew anything was up with me). Money well spent there then!

I hate wedding lists, most people who are getting married these days don’t really need things and it just ends up being a greedy list.

We attended a lovely wedding last September. When we received the invitation, we also got a list if hotels nearby, together with a nice poem basically saying that as they’d lived together a little while they had all they needed for their home, but would like money for their honeymoon. It was polite, but I felt rather like I was being invited to a party with an obligation to pay for a ticket.

I must say, I think wedding lists in general are a good idea if they’re done in a polite way. Saves the guest a lot of stress trying to find the right gift and means no duplicates for the couple. We had a list and made sure the gifts started at just £2 (I clearly remember my godson using his pocket money to buy us a £2 kitchen utensil!). I think the most expensive thing we had on there was a cutlery set! The other good thing about lists is that some allow you to purchase anything left at a discount after the wedding. My brother put a £1000 bed on his, not expecting anyone to buy it, but so he could get the 20% off afterwards!!! BUT good manners cost nothing…I think if I was basically asking for my honeymoon to be paid for I would put a more personal note in explaining the situation. X

thanks for all the replies have calmed down now, however having spoken to folks about it only person who says it is the way of the world is hubby, guess whos pal’s son it is , ah well pressie coming out of his bank account

Completely unreasonable. A proper wedding invitation is one thing: an invitation to traipse across the country for the evening do is quite another. That’s a long way to go for a sausage roll and half a glass of tepid Cava. To add insult to injury, it is perfectly likely that you will be expected to pay for your own drink for the rest of the evening at hotel prices!

Alison

Have the reception near the church is one thing (especially since you are right, they can’t stop you attending the church ceremony), having it 120 miles away is quite another! I’d be inclined to send a “sorry we are unable to attend”.

As for wedding lists, I don’t mind in principle as it does mean I can be sure of getting the couple something they actually want but putting a minimum gift is rather cheeky. I wouldn’t be any more impressed than you are.